Rawr : I feel like a freaking YA character written by a thirteen year old trying to be edgy

Things I would tell my parents if I could be honest.

NEITHER OF YOU WERE GOOD PARENTS.

NO, JUST NO. NEITHER OF YOU WERE CONSISTENT PARENTS EITHER SO DO NOT EVEN GO THERE. A COUPLE OF GOOD MEMORIES DO NOT EXCUSE THE HORROR YOU MADE MY LIFE

Neither you were parents, at best you were people that paid the bills and sometimes, sometimes took care of us. I hated when you were home. So when you apologize for 'not being there enough' I personally would like to laugh in your face. I would have prefer two absent parents over never being sure who was coming home, the person or the monster. Which you both did, not just him, so do not start getting huffy mother. You both knew you were traumatized by your own up bring why in the 14 layers of heaven and hell did you continue the cycle. I DID NOT ASK TO BE BORN. I IN NO WAY ASKED TO BE YOUR CHILD, TO BE BORN AND SET YOUR LIVES ON HOLD BECAUSE YOU GOT PREGNANT AT FIFTEEN.

I WAS A CHILD. I WAS A CHILD. I WAS A CHILD. It is sinking in yet, that I was a god-blessed child. I was a small child, I was someone who is suppose to look to my parents to protect me, teach me, guide me and love me until it was time for me to enter the adult world while knowing I had parents who loved and believe in me. I was never suppose to be scared of my parents. I was never suppose to believe one day that one of them would snap and kill me. I was never suppose to feel orphaned long before they died. I was never suppose to be the mature one. I was never suppose to be parenting myself and my brother. I was never supposed to feel weak in your eyes. I was never suppose to feel not enough. I was never suppose to worry that my brain is hiding more trauma . I was never supposed to have to live with this. I was suppose to be able to trust you. I was suppose to be able to go to you for anything. I was suppose to know your love was unconditional. I was suppose to have parents.

I have to ask, where were you though? Where? I do not get it. Where were my parents? Why did I not get a set? Where were you when I need to be protected? Where were you? Where were you when I need a hug and being told that it would be okay? Just where were you when I need parents? WHERE?

So thanks for destroying a child to the point they become me. I was a 3rd degree burn for so long, that pieces of me started to rot and I had to make a choice whether to allow the rot to spread until it swallowed me whole or to tearing my self apart and carving away those rotted pieces. So now I am in shattered pieces because neither of you wanted to face the problem and I made the choice to keep myself good instead letting it destroy me. I have lost pieces of myself I know I will never get back because of you. I was screaming for help in about every way knew how, I asked, I acted out, I tried to make you both see. I tried so freaking hard to make you see that your daughter need to be helped but I knew it was hitting the no return zone when I sliced my wrist open because I could not handle my strong emotions. It was the in the aftermath I knew it was the lost cause the moment neither of you said anything after I told my school and my step-mom. I fixed myself no thanks to either of you, took lots of crying, lots of forcing myself to vent and even more research on the internet. I did a patch job that I hoped would survive until I could get the help I needed. {it did}

You will never understand how much I wanted to scream at you both when you said "we did a pretty good job" at my high school graduation. I archived what I have in despite you, you have only broken me and handed me band-aids if that. So we share blood and maybe before eleventh grade I would say I am your daughter with out it tasting like an ashy lie, but I am not your daughter today. I am a grown women with two people that like to claim to be my parents, when I really do not have any.

So please go fly a kite, and get your stuff together because you need to stop spreading the harm around.

Signed, Someone who you nearly killed.

I have been playing with the idea to change my name.

I just don't feel connected it. I sometimes forget to introduce myself because I feel nameless you know.

There is just too many bad memories connected to it, that it became something I cut myself away from and I did not realize it until far too late.

I just do not know what to choose. I think I want a unisex name, but I am not sure what last name to choose though.

I just want to cry.

Today has been horrid.

I am just under a lot stress.

Rants I have been holding in:

1. Sometimes I just want to take to facebook and yell at the idiots in which are in my blood line because seriously please please can they please please stop low key fighting and mud slinging on facebook. And please please can my one younger cousin stop making me really really concerned about her children.

2. I would like to feel like I can be open on facebook about my sexuality, gender, general being open about who I am. I am this close of taking a rant to facebook about how stupid hating another human is for things out of their control.

3. Just know I fell down the YouTube fact video rabbit hole that fueled a fact checking field trip.

Job Hunting

It disheartening to search for a job.

A lot of jobs just aren't suitable for me, because either it is too physical demanding, or their hours for part time are flexible enough for my hours.

Even if I get an interview, I usually don't get the job probably because I have a turbulent personality and it obviously shows I am uncomfortable have interacting social interactions. I am severely uncomfortable with social interactions with Real Life people especially with important things TM on the line. So I definitely interview poorly.

I just don't know how to go about the whole thing better, finding a job that won't you know metaphorically kill me emotionally and set my physical health back. I feel like I am being a princess about it and being snob about it.

I am just don't want to cripple myself for minimum wage.

Used my insurance to go to the chiropractors

I learned one, I should of went sooner. Two, a few of other physical problems I deal with can be connected to the disalignment and stressed on my spine. My head is two inches off position making it's stress my body higher, my spine when I lean to one side, instead of curving like a spine is suppose to, I am a leaning tower of pisa which is bad. My neck also does not bend like it is suppose at the base. Which looking at where the stress is, and the nerves connected to it makes so much sense. It could be the reason why I live with chronic pain.

Also I am going to recommend to anyone read this, if you have any chronic pain, and haven't went to chiropractor, I do recommend it, because any kind of stress has a distinct effect on your body and if you are reading this than you have experienced something traumatic and stressful.

Chronic Pain

I am almost in constant pain. Usually ranges between 2-6 on the scale, the worst days are the days where one of my limbs decide to be out of commission or when my heads informs me that it doesn't know what is wrong so pain is it only option. Like today, my left arm hurts and my left hand is vaguely numb and yesterday I spent a good few hours with a headache. I don't usually take medications as honestly the damages and dependence it could create just isn't worth it.

Any Advice for Job Hunting and Chronic Pain?

I just needed to talk about it out.

ANY ADVICE???

I am slogging through some mental gray area, trying to figure if I am in the wrong or is someone one else in very recent conversation. Which boils done to in the most condensed way I can put it without chopping away the other side of it, My parent is mad at me because I can't help them pack up their house. They are mad because there is apparently a bunch of my and my brother's things are still there. We both have only visited the house in the past 7 months twice maybe and the last one was a funeral for our great grandma.

To be honest my reasoning for this are there just hasn't been time with me being a post-secondary student in another city, and I have no reliable ability to get them as I do not have access to transportation. Also just so it is clear, I absolutely hate the house, because it a slob sty and full of mold and holes in the roof. So quite honestly I really really hate staying there, and after I stayed there for five days after the funeral and honestly that was the darkest I have felt since I was eighteen. I would prefer not to. However back to the situation at hand.

So I let it go especially when there was no offers of help to get it They have mentioned it before but again, still it was during school and I don't have a vehicle.

So we had a fight about this today. As they asked if I was done with classes, and when I said no as I am taking online classes and then it kind of gets muddled because then they say well good then you can help pack and I say I can't because I have Chiro appointments and then they began getting mad and my rationality takes a vacation and then they are mad at me because I am not helping them saying things about how it hard for them to ask for help, how no one help them, and everyone rags on them to ask for help, which sparks a minor brain skip where suddenly I am feeling too much and I can't process it all so I am stuck with overwhelming guilt because guilt is a easy emotion and then I am crying and freaking out, repeating I am sorry, I didn't know over and over and then they are mad I am crying , and that we are fighting, and they are done with fighting and this conversation. It was mess of emotions.

And honestly with rationality returning I can see I was overwhelmed in my emotions and panic about angering a parent and forgot about weekends.

I don't know. It is just so hard to figure out if I am just freaking out or there is something my brain is catching that it doesn't know to tell me.

I am exhausted.

I am so exhausted.

I just want to go to sleep.

This year sucks. This year makes just want to forget it.

I just want to go away.

I am tired of being alone.

I am tired of fighting when I am not.

I am tired of being stressed.

I am tired of worrying about everything.

I am so tired. I am so exhausted.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know. I have no one that cares that can be of any help.