Sexual Assault (trigger warning)
I am 25 and suffered a horrendous attack at aged 12. I have never told anyone about it, I blocked it out for the last 13 years but now it is resurfacing and causing me a great deal of distress. I have depression and anxiety now.
I met a group of ‘friends at a house where they subjected me to an awful beating, I was tortured for an hour. Three girls and one boy, I was then forced to have sex with the boy or they would have killed me. He raped me while they stood watching and smirking. I have never been so scared in all my life. They were calculating and had planned the whole thing in detail, not hitting my face so that adults wouldnt see the bruises, making sure the boys family were out that night. These were kids, the girls were the same age as me, we had grown up together since primary 1 in school. The boy was one of the girls older cousins of 15. I was black and blue for weeks.
I suffered this horrendous ordeal but turned in on myself unable to ever mention it to anyone. I tell myself that any normal 12 year old would have ran to the nearest adult and told them what happened but I couldnt. I was neglected emotionally by my parents throughout my childhood and our relationship to this day is awkward and strained. I have lived through so much with this huge weight on my shoulders.
I feel I dont know who I am, has my whole life been shaped by what happened to me.
@Blaze7 Hi Blaze, thank you for having the courage to share your experience with us. How did that feel doing that? I'm sorry that you went through such an horrendous time when you were 12. That was a lot for you to carry on your own and I guess blocking it out was your way of coping with what you went through. The problem with burying things, is they have a tendency to come back in some form in our lives and with trauma, what we have gone through will often filter through into our day to day lives in ways that we may not have even realised. I wonder what support you have now in your life to help you begin to work through what you went through or whether you have considered perhaps finding a counsellor who could help you begin to heal from what you went through.
It sounds as if you may blame yourself or feel guilt in some way for not running to the nearest adult?? You were not to blame for what happened to you, and it was not your fault in any way, even if you did not run or tell anyone. Children react in lots of ways when they are scared and hurt, some run, some freeze, and some fight back but regardless of which way a child reacts, very often those who want to hurt the child carry on regardless. You are not to blame!!!
It can often feel that trauma is the sum of who we are, but trauma doesnt have to be all you are, it doesnt have to define who you choose to become. I know trauma and childhood neglect may affect your life in lots of ways but things can change where it no longer has the same degree of pain attached to it that it has now 
