So much to say...potential TW

I don't even know where to start. I've said all this so many times lately but it doesn't get any easier.

Basically I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was 5. And that was 18 years ago. I got really good at pushing it away and pretending it's not a problem. I even convinced myself that it didn't bother me. But last week we got a new client where I work. He is a convicted juvenile sex offender. He sexually abused his cousin when she was 7 and he was 13. My abuser was in high school. So this past week has been really bad. I was super triggered, and I literally have no choice but to work with this client (I work in a group home and I'm the only staff member here from 3-11pm). And I can't move to another house or anything. It simply isn't possible. But anyway, he brings up so much hurt for me. I know this client didn't do anything to me and it's been 7 years since he offended, so I am not mad at him.

But every single day I see my abusers hands and I feel them on me. His hands look like this new client's hands, small and stubby with fat fingers.

And on top of all that, my cousin and I did inappropriate stuff with each other when we were about 8 or 9, and she was about 9 months younger than me. And I feel like I was responsible for that situation. We got her younger sister involved several times and she was like 2 or 3 years younger. So I was the oldest. I should've known better. But I let it happen.

I feel like I am just as bad as this client and my abuser. I did the same thing.

And my depression is getting so bad the last few days. I seriously have not stopped thinking about dying, not that I would actually try to do it. I've had thoughts like this many times before and I have never actually attempted. I have struggled with self-harm for almost 10 years and I started cutting again two nights ago. My therapist knows all of this. I saw her yesterday. But I feel like I am still getting worse. I emailed her, but she has not responded yet. I am trying not to rely on her too much because I know she can only do so much and she is busy.

I am planning on quitting this job soon, but until then I am stuck with this client around and the constant triggers and memories. I'm stuck in this heavy, deep, dragging depression. My anxiety is bad, too. I feel constantly on edge and I fidget all the time and I shake a lot. I've tried deep breathing and coping skills and stuff like that. Nothing works like cutting. And I don't have the energy to fight it very much anymore. I'm just so done with everything. I want to give up. I promise I won't. But I really wish I could.