Still not entirely sure, it's been a long 5 years.

I'm new here, and not sure I'm in the right place, but I figured I would see if anyone is going through a similar thing.

5 years ago I started having flashbacks. Just little things like a lot of problems down there and just this sinking feeling that something had happened, like my brain had forgotten an event but kept all the emotions around it

Soon I started having this one vivid memory that has been playing constantly. I was about 4 and we were been babysat by a 16yr boy. We were playing hide and seek and I had hid in the crook between the bed and the wall. He came in and shut the door and laid right next to me with his face really close to mine. I remember his breathing and feeling incredibly unsafe and uncomfortable and then I remember nothing. This memory is enough to send me into a shame spiral when all the emotions and sensations come back. Like too much to get out of bed for days on end.

Shortly after that incident I started gaining a lot of weight. I was using food to eat away my shame. As a result I was severly bullied at school. This only fuelled my shame further.

About a year after these flashbacks started, I had a complete mental breakdown, I was hospitalised on and off for the next 3 years, and diagnosed as schizoaffective and heavily medicated.

My delusions are all shame based. I truly believe all this shame I gained in childhood has just manifested itself into my current life. I dont know how to move forward because I can't even remember