... (TW: Pedophilia Mention)

It all started when I was a child, I've been groomed on the internet by older men who kept asking me sexual stuff, there was even one point I started dating one of them, but it never went more than romantic affection, but that's part of grooming right? I'm glad I got my internet removed at that time...but I wasn't able to understand the situation...because I was only 8 years old.

The next time was when I was 13, school, I've been bullied for years for being "weird", it even got physical to some point, maybe sexual but it never went too far from light touches, maybe i'm normalizing it because I've been raised this way...I was so used to being beaten up and destroyed to the point that I developed panic disorder so the only way to finish school was through a program that made me able to study from distance...at that time I spent too much time online because It was my place to escape from the constant punishment received in my school life, I've dated very bad people who only wanted me for 'naked pictures' of myself but I never really learned what true love was like so I always did what was asked, of course it ended at some point when I was 16...I thought to myself "It will never ever happen again" but I was wrong,

at the start of the last year, 2017, I started dating someone, I was in deeply in love with them, but suddenly the person turned into a monster who wanted to put me inside of a cage, who also blamed me for every mistake they made, and of course, had sex with others behind my back without me knowing it too late, at that point I felt like my own existence was only to be pleasing to someone's eyes, they want photos of me so badly, I've never been truly loved, all the relationships I had at that point always resulted the same thing, well, it ended in august, I know this text doesn't make any sense because i'm writing it in a middle of a breakdown...it's confusing, my brain is confusing...

sometimes when i see something that reminds me of them or whoever hurt me in the past, I have a panic attack or a breakdown, the memories hunt me because now I understand what happened, I can't deal with all this pain by myself but the only person I can trust at the moment is myself, I don't want to be a burden, I don't even know if this counts as traumatic experience because It was a constant thing, I still feel like I'm a doll sometimes, I don't know...I've been used so many times in my life,,,,, I don't even have a life goal and I'm doing things that are obligations, I don't have any hope about justice, I will never have justice, I don't want anyone in real life to know this, I am too ashamed of admiting it, I am afraid of people knowing this, sometimes the only way to stop feeling like this is having nihilistic thoughts of "everything is meaningless" to calm myself but it only leads to the suicidal ones....

...

I think I might be dead inside already, maybe I am really just a doll to be used, I really want some proof that I'm not this, but the reminders and triggers keeps making me believe I am...a disposable object, not a human.

I'm so sorry for this long text, I'll probably regret this later but,

I hate having constant nightmares as reminder.