That's Just the Way He Is. (My story)

I am 22 years old. I have finally found a little strength to talk about what I have been through and my path toward understanding myself, in the form of an autobiography. I tried to remember the main moments that stayed with me and gather the events that were most significant to me.

Childhood

I grew up without a father and in poor financial circumstances. I was a fairly sensitive and quiet child. I cried often and had nightmares. From an early age I also had a tendency to retreat into my own thoughts. I remember one incident when I was separate from the other children, like in other reality and, I think, experienced a feeling of dissociation for the first time. That sense of detachment from reality stayed with me.

I was often left alone and had to entertain myself. For a while I spent time with my grandmother. At times I was very active and arrogant, and I was punished for it, but somehow all of that would spontaneously give way to emptiness. I was often alone and, out of boredom, could spend an entire day simply riding my bicycle and occasionally watching TV.

I do not remember spending much time with my mother; she was often dismissive toward me. My memories contain mostly fear and tears, even though I was always waiting for her to come home from work.

Later, when I was about six years old, my mother and I moved into my stepfather’s apartment. This is where the painful memories begin. We lived in a small apartment with rats and a terrible mattress on the floor, so at times I had to sleep directly on the floor. My stepfather abused alcohol and was involved with drugs.

I was exposed to sexual matters at a very young age. We had to sleep on the same mattress, and I began waking up at night because they were engaging in sexual activity under the same blanket. I could not even move because I was afraid they would realize I was awake. My mother openly discussed, in broad daylight, how and in what position they would have sex. I did not understand why they talked about this in front of me. I felt as though I was being punished, and I withdrew further and further from reality.

Later, conflicts began in the family. My stepfather started drinking heavily and using drugs. I became afraid of him, especially because of his unpredictable, impulsive behavior. I did not speak to him.

School

In elementary school I did well academically, but at times my memory seemed to fragment, as if pieces of it were being erased. Because of this I might forget what I was supposed to prepare for class and receive a bad grade. Getting a bad grade became traumatic for me. Whenever my mother found out about a bad grade, I would leave her in tears and lock myself in the bathroom because of her harsh criticism.

As I approached middle school, my academic problems and overall well-being got worse. I missed many assignments, copied other students’ work, and rarely prepared, yet I could still pass my classes. My teachers also began criticizing me for being slow and for my occasional impulsive behavior.

I fell in with a bad crowd, and spending time with them became the best part of my life. I desperately did not want to go home, where my mother controlled me strictly. Constant escapism into computer games helped me get through the day faster, return to my friends, and hide from reality.

Because my impulsivity was increasing, teachers told me that I had changed and asked, “Is everything okay with you?” However, these episodes were always followed by profound depression. During those periods I could do nothing; my body felt as heavy as lead. Everyone was used to seeing me as a quiet and “smart” boy. Every word hurt me deeply: my mother constantly insulted me, and some teachers called me worthless.

Toward the end of school I was severely bullied by older students and was physically assaulted. After this, my memory seemed to discard even more information. I became increasingly afraid to go outside, hid from people, and saw danger everywhere, constantly anticipating and planning for possible situations.

Despite all these problems, I began preparing for my exams with great enthusiasm and passed them successfully. But after the exams I felt a sudden emptiness. I still had no idea what I wanted to do next. I did not know where I wanted to study or what I wanted to do with my life. I did not want to continue studying at that school because I was afraid of seeing all those old faces. That was probably the main reason I chose to go to college instead, although I never told anyone about it. In the end I enrolled in a random college based on the logic: “It has a high admission score, so it must be a good major.”

College

The summer after I finished school passed. Then the college began giving us tests in our subjects. After that summer I developed a problem: I could not remember even basic things from my classes, despite having successfully passed the exams I had spent a long time preparing for. During a math test I took a sheet of paper and could not understand what I was looking at. I had definitely known how to solve all of these problems before, but it was as if I were seeing them for the first time. Because of this I received the lowest grade with a deep sense of shame and sank even further into depression. My performance in every subject deteriorated. It was painful to attend classes; shame in front of my classmates and passive suicidal thoughts filled my mind, and my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Any criticism immediately weighed me down like an anchor and shut my mind off.

Yet in some subjects a single compliment about having done a good job could give me a surge of energy, and I enjoyed it. In those subjects I could outperform many of my classmates.

Finishing College (Age 18–19)

After college I developed a profound sense of emptiness and indifference toward everything, which lasted for a very long time. Every day I thought about death and philosophy. I stopped communicating with my old friends, exchanging only a few words with them from time to time. I was still living with my mother and stepfather, and they had also had a daughter. It was horrible being in that small apartment; I had absolutely no personal space.

And once again: what do I do next? That question stayed with me. I continued my education in the same field at a university while working at the same time. Because the program was part-time/distance-based, I had to complete assignments at home and prepare for the next exam session without supervision from instructors. I could not make myself start. Even attempts at planning, timers, and other techniques did not help me concentrate or use my time rationally. Only severe anxiety during the final days would force me to do everything in a fight-or-flight mode.

I noticed strange episodes: under extremely intense stress I seemed to become a different person. I began to like everything around me, including the subject I was studying; I made plans for everything, and my self-esteem soared. But once the stress passed I would fall back into a long depression accompanied by severe anxiety and paranoia. I became extremely slow and could not calm down; I pulled out my hair and picked at my face.

These periods began alternating on their own with states that, based on the symptoms, seemed consistent with hypomania, although they were often tied to different interests. For example, I thought I was a poet and started writing poetry; I wanted to write a book; I wanted to make a game; I wanted to earn a PhD in physics or mathematics; and so on.

After a year and a half at university, while preparing for the next exam session, even anxiety could no longer switch me into work mode; instead it paralyzed me. In the end I dropped out of university. I told everyone I knew that I simply did not like the major, while hiding my condition the entire time because I was afraid they would see me as a victim.

Later I began to regret it. I felt like an impostor and stupid in every aspect of my life. My nightmares became worse. I began having recurring dreams in which, for some reason, I apologize to everyone. I also began having experiences associated with certain emotions—completely different stories and emotions with the same underlying theme: my weakness.

Present

At present my relationship with my mother remains extremely difficult. I often feel that she interferes in my life, does not see me as an independent person, and treats me as incapable or irresponsible. Because of this, intense anger builds up inside me, sometimes to the point of hatred.

Right now what troubles me most is the feeling that I cannot develop or move forward. I wanted to learn many new things based on the interests I still have. Because of this I have started to see myself as someone who only makes plans and never does anything.

Over the past few months my condition has become significantly worse. I can feel an unexplained fear, as if I need to prepare for something, without knowing what. Ongoing issues include muscle tension, back problems, low body mass index, isolation from the outside world, impostor syndrome, and other problems.

At times I spend large amounts of money to compensate for this pain. My emotions have become more intense. Sometimes I crave very strong sensations because a calm state feels empty and unbearably boring. I sometimes think that it is better to feel anything at all, even if it feels very bad, than to feel nothing. I do not know whether this is part of depression, an attempt to escape the emptiness, a personality trait, or something related to mood swings. I can quickly become tired of social interaction and want complete isolation, while at the same time feeling lonely and needing closeness.

Every day I went over my life story in my head and then forgot parts of it, returning to the same cycle every day. I began to suspect various conditions: bipolar spectrum disorder, complex PTSD (C-PTSD), autism, and various personality disorders.

In the end I finally began to understand that what I had always thought was simply my personality might actually be a condition. I went to a psychiatrist, was prescribed medication, and am waiting for an appointment for a comprehensive assessment. I have begun to feel some hope, and some of the chains of the past are starting to fall away. However, I still have the thought of moving far away from all of this, going somewhere else, forgetting all my past connections, cutting off every way for people to contact me, and simply existing there. I hope I can survive.