Things will only get better they said.
Been feeling like this the last two days. Had a major panic attack last night which resulted in an explosion of uncontrolled rage.
I targeted the wrong people who least deserved this. So obviously I feel guilty now even though I know they are understanding and loving still.
I should be at work already. Instead I am still in my pjs not feeling up to the day at all.
I am not sure if today is really better. Yesterday I received yet more disturbing news. I tried to park it and not think about it too much since I had to be on my best behaviour for my daughters birthday. I don't want to talk about it but I know that hiding it is not going to help me at all.
I am trying to be okay but it is really hard. I have therapy today, I am so not in the mood for that. I am not sure that it will help. I hate it when it is all up to me, I need a kick in the ass, not a stroke on the back.
When you are in a dangerous place you don't need to hear you are doing okay and that you are loved. You need someone to kick ass for you and save you. And sometimes you just need to be kicked yourself because you are the only one how can do something about it. Does that make sense?
I feel trapped and there is not much anyone can do.
*****TRIGGER WARNING*****
I just came home from therapy. It was actualy better then I expected.
I talked about my need for a saviour and my anger towards people that say they love me but leave me hanging. That just tell me I am doing great while I feel like I am dying.
When I was a year and half old I was taken away by a group of about boys. They took me to a tent and bound me up with ropes. There they beat me up with baseballbats and raped me. What use is there to say that I endure that really well.
I have been abused since. Nobody ever came to me rescue. My mother even agreed with it. That's a whole different story.
I was homeless from the age of 13. Took care of myself. Nobody came to my rescue.
I worked my way out, I did a great job. I have a seemingly perfect life. I have a good job, I have amazing kids, I have friends.
But I am not doing okay, I am feeling out of control. I am in pain. I have flasbacks, I have memories that are just horrible. My present life is suffering as well. I have health problems I never had before, I have trouble with work because i am so unstable, I am doubting everything I do and feel.
And now I am crying like a baby and feel completely hopeless. But at least I know why I am crying.
@MaschaV I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you
@purpleWest8143
Thanks West, I am too.
I do feel a bit relieved though after crying and feeling sorry for myself.
@MaschaV well it is awful and should have never happened. glad that the tears helped release some of it. sending you some hugs if you'd like them. 
@purpleWest8143
I love hugs, thanks!
@MaschaV
What happened to you never should have happened, you should have been protected, you should have been saved and I'm so sorry you're suffering for that until now... I hope you know that you still can be proud of yourself for building up a life by yourself... What you wrote about people telling you you're doing great while you are dying inside, well, that somehow spoke to me... Hm, I don't want to say anything inappropriate, so if I'm touching a weak point, you don't have to answer, but my question is, if you ever told those people that you are suffering, that you are dying inside... I can only tell you sth from my own experiences, well, I have lots of difficulties with opening up to others, so I rarely tell anybody how I'm feeling, but I'm still somehow hurt if nobody sees how I'm feeling, hm, perhaps you're talking about sth different, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone with this, having a perfect life on the outside, like in all objectivity, but inside you're still crumbling... Sending you some hugs 💕
@courteousNorth5140
Hey North, Thanks for your response. There is nothing inapropriate about what you are writing.
I guess I never talk about how I feel, I am trying and learning. That's why I started this diary. I am usualy fine and if I feel anything I don't understand it so there is not much to talk about. Or I withdraw until I am back to 'normal'.
I am discovering all kinds of feelings and most of them are upsetting. Even the positive ones because I don't understand them yet.
I sometimes forget that I read people easely and I sense what they need in an instant but most people don't have that ability.
If I don't even know what I need, how can someone else know.
@MaschaV
I guess that's what everybody is doing, trying and learning... feelings are confusing, all of them, well, for me they are, most of the time I don't understand where they are coming from or what they really mean and there's absolutely nothing I could do against them, feelings just happen...
And I absolutely hear you about reading people easily, it's more like reading emotions and things between the lines... But lots of people aren't able to do that, they are perfectly happy with the shallow answer I'm ok, even if for others it's obvious you aren't...
It's really a great step that you're trying to find out more about your feelings with your diary here, I hope it can help you a bit... Well, sometimes just writing sth down makes you realize the sense of it...
@courteousNorth5140
There will be a day when I can just allow feelings to happen. But for now I really need to know what I feel before I can allow them. I panic and dissociate if I feel overwhelmed with emotions I don't understand.
It will get better.
@MaschaV
Do you have any kind of special technique to identify your feelings? Cause well, I'm struggling with that a lot...
@courteousNorth5140
I wish! I call a friend or my mentor. I just found a listener who wants to help me identify my feelings.
@MaschaV
Hey, those are three great options 😊 glad you found a listener here helping you with it...
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks. She suggested it and I realized it was a briliant idea. 
Last night I made some bad choices and waking up this morning I realized just how bad they were. I am trying not to feel too guilty about it and have a normal day.
I could stay in bed but I need groceries and need to do laundry and all those things. It might be a good distraction but right now I feel 
Today was a better day. My girls and I went to the tattooshop for matching tattoos. They turned out awesome!
@MaschaV
Oh wow 😳😊 that's awesome Masha, love the tattoos 😊
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks! I am very happy with the result 😀
@agreeableKite4304 I moved my respons here, hope that is okay?
Thanks Kite!
I have started to let people in. It causes chaos inside. I am not giving up and I am making progress but it is hard.
It is like trying to make a decission with 30 people that all have a different opinion on the matter. The stakes are high and noone wants to listen. I hate that it feels like that but it does. It's a warzone.
As a child I was not allowed to have needs or wants. I just had to do as I was told. It was wrong in all kinds of ways. But it was easy.
I escaped when I was 13. Once I was out I thought I knew what I wanted. But being 'free' was just as lonely and painful.as being captured.
I have an amazing part, she kept me happy and positive and safe for a long time. She helped me get where I am now. I have awesome kids, a great job, friends. I had no clue of what was going on inside. I knew where I came from but it had no effect, it could have been someone elses story.
It all changed when about 6 months ago I met a woman that just touched me so deeply. It freaked me out because suddenly I became aware of this inner life. We tried to be friends but I couldn't. All these conflicting feelings drove me insane.
With her encouragement I found a therapist and here I am now. A second person came close like that and again I am terrified. She is a bit safer because she lives in South Africa.
I wish I could learn to build a friendship with them. They both know I am struggling and they both accept that. They are very loving and understanding. They are what I need and want but I wish I never met them.
How do you break a cycle of fear? I have learned that love is the opposite of fear. If that is true I am really screwed.
@MaschaV
hm, I think love and fear are somehow connected, cause loving somebody means letting somebody in, letting somebody get close and that makes vulnerable, so the fears are all in the open somehow... how to break that cycle? Well, if I knew I‘d tell you, but I think trust is something important, trust that person that they won‘t hurt you... but don‘t give up on love *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
I don't want to give up, I am trying real hard to keep pressing on. 
I am so incredibly angry! I am at work but I am afraid of loosing control
@MaschaV
breathe, just breathe...
I think I have opened up too much lately. I think I need to slow down a bit. Someone is not happy!
I am feeling anxious most of the time and I keep hearing "kill me now"
I am seeing my therapist and my mentor today. I wish I could dissapear into thin air.
So today was really weird. I am missing a couple of hours. It was not really difficult to find what I had been doing.
Toys and books scattered, keys to my car missing, a very cute conversation with a listener. Candy and chips/crisps everywhere.
Waking up in my chair with my 'muis'.
I am feeling discouraged. I keep thinking that I am not doing enough to get well. I have this amazing abilty to do anything I set my heart to, literaly everything, and this I can't do.
My feelings are so conflicting with eachother the whole time. I can't seem to decide the best way to do things.
So I try but I just keep falling.
The hardest thing is to admit I have needs. I have no clue how to allow myself to feel needy and to express it without feeling extremely guilty and embarrressed.
I think part of the problem is that I believe somehow that all that has happened to me started because I was needy.
Asking for help too, that was the biggest mistake ever. It just made things worse.
And now I want to express need and aks for help but it brings this huge internal war.
I don't know how to do is.
I don't even know what my needs are and what help it is I need.
Who can straighten me out and bring some order?
