Things will only get better they said.
Been feeling like this the last two days. Had a major panic attack last night which resulted in an explosion of uncontrolled rage.
I targeted the wrong people who least deserved this. So obviously I feel guilty now even though I know they are understanding and loving still.
I should be at work already. Instead I am still in my pjs not feeling up to the day at all.
@ageableKite4304 Are you here?
Do body memories produce real symptoms? Or are they just memories and make belief?
I am no longer the chosen one, I am the one who chooses.
I wrote this down thinking I would explode in 3 ... 2 ... 1
And then I did not.
I am really happy, I met a new part today. He is really cool too!
I will tell you all about him when we had a chance to talk.
Good night all! 
I was going to tell about this new part. He is okay and I think we kinda understand each other. I am in awe of his strength.
I am trying to give words to what I feel but I can't. There is no words for this.
you have a new name! 
I love it 
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks! I am happy with it too 
@nolongerafraid
how'd you wanna be called now? we could make an acronym of it... nola
@courteousNorth5140
or we just write nolongerafraid, so you always remember not to be afraid....
@courteousNorth5140
Nola? hahahha.
I will get used to Nola. But Mas is still okay too
@nolongerafraid
Hah! we'll see, I'm gonna establish Nola Are you feeling a bit better today?
@courteousNorth5140
Yes, I do now. I had a good scream this morning. And I found some people to hug too.
A friend walked into the office this afternoon and he started smiling real big. He said I looked radiant and happy like I used to.
I had never really let myself go like that to release some pain but it worked. It did clear some air.
@nolongerafraid
oh that's awesome and yeah, screaming sometimes really helps... well, I don't scream, but I often sing to somehow scream it out glad you're feeling better 
@courteousNorth5140
Thank you North! <3
You should try screaming, it is very liberating! I sing too, and I can sing really loud but it is not the same. 
@nolongerafraid
yeah, perhaps I'll do that... the next time I'm alone at the beach or in the woods or sth like that
@courteousNorth5140
It is really scary to start but then it gets good. Promise!
@nolongerafraid
where did you do your scream? like, just at home, with neighbours around? or at a lonely place?
@courteousNorth5140
I have a very large building with different rooms. It has a chill room where I just turned up the music real loud and said I did not want to be disturbed.
I don't think I could do this at home with my neighbours close by. They might call the police, lol
I would try it in the car with loud music but when I feel like that I can't drive. So that is not really option for me. But maybe you could try that. Drive somewhere quiet, turn up the volume and just scream.
@nolongerafraid
well, I can't drive either, but yeah, turning the volume up would be an option... I'm definitely gonna try
@courteousNorth5140
Good for you!
I had a good night sleep! I feel really good and rested!
What a difference that makes when you are facing a new day
AAAAAAARGH!!!!
@nolongerafraid
hey! just been passing by here, heard you screaming... are you ok?
@courteousNorth5140 @wizeakre
I am just sick and tired of all these cold sweat panic attacks. I hate that I have this smell of fear around me the whole time.
Some attacks I kinda understand but they are so irrational. Most of them I really don't have a clue why.
It drives me insane!
@nolongerafraid
oh hell, that sucks :( I'm sorry to hear that... like Wize said, yeah, at some point it will make sense, but I know, it's hard to see this other side when you somehow feel trapped inside of this... try to focus on sth, try to move your body, imagine to just shake it off, sing, dance, anything what can get you out of this... or try to scream again :) here for you, keep going and don't give up....
@courteousNorth5140
I really love you, thank you both so much!
@nolongerafraid
oh hey, you've been screaming so loud, the walls of my diary have been shaking, so I just had to take a look :) that's what we're all here for, right?
@courteousNorth5140 lol
I do have a loud voice, hahaha
@nolongerafraid
oh don't worry, scream as loud as you want, I'll just turn up my music :P
but actually, honestly, that's a great trait, having a loud voice and using it... even if it's just a typed scream online, doesn't matter, using our voice is important, the only way to get heard ;) you'll get through this, with a little help, like all of us...
@courteousNorth5140
I am in my comfortable chair with a cup of tea.
On the tea bag it is a little card and it says 'heels off' on one side and 'slippers on' on the other. It is cute.It makes me smile. I am really enjoying my day off. (called in sick)
