Trauma in relationships - my story.

@Booklover95 Hey Book thanks for making your post and for having the courage to speak out about your experiences and this is absolutely the right place for you to share I hope you find this community to be able to offer you the support you deserve. I know its hard not to feel perhaps embarassed or afraid of what you perceive others may think etc but this is a safe place for you and there are some wonderfully supportive members here too that may be able to identify with your post

It is not uncommon for people with trauma histories to find relationships a minefield to deal with and very often people end up becoming revictimised, especially within relationships. This is sometimes due to Survivors not ever having had an opportunity to learn about healthy relationships and healthy boundaries, never having had the ability to say no, their self worth and self esteem having been shot to pieces and just deperately wanting someone to care for them and in that process putting up with or finding themselves in situations such as you described. Sometimes people can also re-create their trauma (mostly subconscious) as a way of trying to change it, as a way of undoing what has already happened to them, make the outcome different. Also abusive partners can often home in on people who are vulnerable, lacking in self confidence and self esteem and exploit that. So what you shared is not uncommon at all and nothing to feel bad about or guilty about, because this kind of thing happens because of what you may have gone through during your traumatic experience.

Often if issues are unresolved or someone hasnt been able to fully work through things they need to, when they get into new relationships with partners who treat them well, they often feel out of their depth, because of their low self esteem they dont understand why someone is with them, even make attempts to provoke someone to react in the way they expect, to get it over and done with, to prove they are no different than any other partner they have had. And yes it can be tough on partners but its also tough on you. What can help is getting awareness of why you may find difficulty now, being open with your partner and perhaps getting some support to work through issues that make relationships hard for you. Also working on your self confidence, self worth and self esteem, because if you feel good about yourself, about your body, etc and you can accept yourself, very often this enables you to begin to build healthy relationships with others, including partners where intimacy is involved. It sounds as if when you try to be intimate, this is triggering off past experiences that you still find extremely distressing for you and I wonder what support you have had around this?

You do deserve better and you are a Survivor even if you struggle now but you can work towards beginning to heal from the experiencing you have had but it will take time, kindness to yourself and patience and if your partner too can learn about how to support you, that will also be of benefit to you both. Communication is really important as being honest with one another about how things are for you both

You may find these links useful to take a look at but make sure your in a good place before reading

https://brickelandassociates.com/trauma-survivor-relationships/

https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/8023/ptsd-how-does-trauma-affect-relationships

https://www.livingwell.org.au/relationships/partners-sexual-intimacy/

@Booklover95

HI Booklover. A lot of your story is similar to my own. I was sexually abused throughout my life and was raped during my marriage. I realized after my divorce that I needed to learn more information about boundaries and self worth to get on my feet. With help in therapy and research that I did on my own (I'm a book lover, too), I learned to become more aware of my surroundings and the types of people that I want to be associated with.

Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get through this. I did.

@Booklover95 hey booklover. You are not the only one and you are not a victim sweetie. Always remember you have choices and you have a responsibility toward making your life better and that means taking time for yourself. if this new guy is the real deal he will help you out but there are things you need to learn.

check out as many relationship books as you can.

practice your boundaries with men.

its ok to say NO.

take time to ask yourself what you require from your partner and once you do tell him straight out. - if he is a keeper he will understand and respect your wishes.

but first figure yourself out. work on your self esteem and self-respect. Start with small things but begin from now to make decisions without asking your partner "what do you think?" - this is important for us who have had trouble with decision making and pleasing people.

I thought this was silly when suggested i do it but its not- tell yourself "I love you" to the mirror. once you are able to do it without looking away you are well on your way to getting better because that's the moment when you begin appreciating your own self. Also, do nice things for yourself - treat yourself each day to something you enjoy. Also make time for you each and every day- a special time where you and your private thoughts are the priority.

Keep in mind that just because you have been on a string of bad relationships does not mean you have "learned your lesson" it actually means you have developed a tolerance for toxic relationships - which should be a red flag Warning for yourself. Be mindful of this fact.

Overall, you took the first step of realizing what was going on and that is an act of bravery! I will leave you with some of the mantras that are still helping me out - i recite them every day:

"I am not a victim, I can accept or reject anything that comes into my life"

"I take responsiblity for my life. Responsibility is a gift because it gives me the power to make changes"

"I attract only healthy and positive people into my life"

"The only person that can make me happy is me"