Trigger Warning: Childhood Sexual Abuse (Detailed)
My first memories in my life are of my physical abuse. I am not sure when it started happening, but the earliest I can remember is a little before my 3rd birthday.
My mother worked and my father stayed at home with me and my sister, who is 14 months younger than me. Presumably, he couldn't hold down a job; although, I do remember him working a few independet contracting jobs (fixing walls, laying tile, painting exteriors).
I was 2 years old. My sister and I were with my father in the kitchen. We were sitting at a plastic table with little plastic chairs and he was making us food. I don't remember all of the details, but he fed me hot salsa. I remember it burning and hating it and him making me eat more. I'm unsure if my sister was made to eat this also as well.
Another instance around the same time although I feel like a different day, I remember sitting on the bottom step of the stairs. We had mini Dixie cups and he had filled a bunch of them with water and was forcing me to drink them. I don't remember how many I drank but I do remember feeling sick and telling my father. I was made to drink the water still and eventually ended up throwing up at the bottom of the stairs. Mostly water and bits of hotdog and to this day I HATE hot dogs.
Sometime before my 3rd birthday was the first time he ever forced me into sexual acts. I wasn't sure what was going on I didn't like it but he reassured me that it was a game it was from then on titled "the private game".
@findingmytruepotential hey finding. i am glad that you are here today and thank you for sharing your story.
i do am really sorry to hear about what happened to you and i can not even imagine what you must have been through alone and how difficult this must be to deal with. You did not ever deserve to be treated like this by your own father *hugs if you want them*. I think it is very inspirational and brave that you came here and opened up to us today.
Have you found any coping methods with this to this day? Have you, or would you feel comfortable talking to a friend, family member or a professional maybe about this? If not, that is totally okay as well. We have some great coping methods exercises in our trauma community here, so feel free to scroll a bit. Also, please let us know how we can support you best. You are not alone in this and we are here to support you all the way through.
Best wishes, Avery
@AveryLove
I have seen several professionals in my adult life. (I am now 23) I have had very poor luck. The one professional who did help me had finished her internship and moved to a locatation far away. I have tried to work on coping skills, some have stuck better than others.
As far as my support group goes. My mother is not helpful. She kind of gave up after that tramatic time of finding out her husband was a rapist, reporting him, testifying against him, recieving threats from his family, birthing my brother, and experiencing post partum depression all over the course of 4 months. She did the best she could as far as making sure we were fed and clothed. Anything beyond that she had no energy for.
I remember a couple times throughout my childhood her letting me know that if I thought I needed to talk to someone that we could arrange that. But at this point I had already pretended so long that I was fine that I didn't have the ability to realize that I needed help. She wasn't attentive enough to see for me when I couldn't see for myself.
My sister is sometimes helpful, but the way this trauma affected her is far different from it's effects on me. We don't always see eye to eye.
My long term boyfriend has been my biggest support. He is very caring and tries to be helpful and understanding, but he was never abused sexually, so he has a hard time understanding things without me going into detail which can become too much for him if it isn't cut up.
@findingmytruepotential
This is because I am someone he loves very much and it pains him to think of me ever going through these horific things. He tries to bare it for me, but I know how traumatizing it still is for me nearly 2 decades later. It has to be completely sickening to someone who has never experienced it.
@findingmytruepotential i see, i am sorry to hear that that professionali moved away.
it sounds to me that overall you are grateful for what your mother has done for you in the past, and i totally understand that you got so familiar with the hurting process and the abuse and dealing with it alone that you did not realize you needed help. sometimes we dont even know if we want help, because our current situation is all we know and getting help would mean change and change can be scary. though i want to tell you i am definitely proud of opening up and seeking support from several people, i can only try to imagine how tough that must have been and how strong you must be. i am glad to hear that your sister is sometimes helpful though and that your boyfriend supports you the most. i can imagine it must be confusing for him if he has never dealt with it, but it is not impossible learning about the topic and the aftermaths. i actually have written a guide on here how to support a partner who is struggeling with PTSD (i am not saying you are diagnosed by me with PTSD, however, some points could be similar). if you want me to get you the link , i can for sure do that, your boyfriend may find that helpful if you want to show him.
@AveryLove
Thank you. I'm sure that link would be helpful. I have, in the past, been diagnosed with PTSD, but I felt very led in the questioning by the psychiatrist. I am not confident in his opinion. But, there are definitely similarities I've found between certain reactions and behaviors of mine and PTSD.