Trigger Warning

A man who claimed to be my friend held me down and raped me. To this day I still wonder wether or not I deserve it. I was babysitting for my sister and I asked before she left if my friend could come over and watch a movie and play video games to keep me company. She didn't have a problem with it. I got my nephew to sleep then invited him over. I will admit that I had a crush on him and he hinte around that he liked me too. I'm really shy so I didn't want to make a move but during the movie he put his hand on my leg. Then he slid it up to my upper thigh and squeezed it. It hurt but i kinda just laughed and pushed his hand away. He got mad at me and told me that since i had invited him over that i had insinuated that i wanted to have sex. I told him absolutely not, that I am a virgin and wasnt willing to have sex so I told him to leave. He grabbed me and forced me up against a wall and I asked him whathe was doing. He shoved his hand down my pants. I tried shoving his hands away and he hit me hard told me that i shouldnt have led him along. He ripped my shirt. I dont know why that stuck with me. When he went inside me it hurt and i started crying and he hit me again and told me to shut up. After he was done he left To this day i cant stand to have a guy touch me. I had a panic attack when my roomates boyfriend came over because he looked like him. He messaged me the other day and asked me to meet up. i puked my guts up. He said he wanted to have some more fun. I never told anyone. Who would believe me?