*Trigger warning* R
My whole life seems to revolve around sexual abuse...if I believed in luck then I would call myself very unlucky but I don't so then I find it hard it to fight the feelings/thoughts that some of it must of been my fault.
Maybe the childhood abuse led me down a path of self destruction, unsafe behaviour....
I dont know but I do know that there was one very traumatizing incident in my adult life that if it happened to someone else that I would not blame them for....
I had been out with "friends" (one of which I have known all my life and it was her house). I had drank alot but I remember everything about that night and I know I had not at any stage given him any signals that I was interested him in anyway(not that it really matters but that helped me not blame myself so much).
I had gone to bed before the rest of the people in the house because I was tired(it was a house I had stayed in often after going out and I always stayed in that spare bed when I slept there).
I woke up to a guy who I barely knew(he was a friend of a "friend") on top of me. I screamed and yelled, no, I fought hard, I know that I was really loud and left no one in any doubt that I was not consenting to this.
He was so big and I was not strong enough to fight him off.....my shouts and screams fell on deaf ears.....
I must of passed out at some point and I woke up in the morning hoping it was a bad dream, but my bruising, aching body...told me it was not.
But for some reason I couldnt face it either...I couldnt really acknowledge that it happened.
That morning my "friends" laughed about how loud I was...one of them said it sounded like someone was being murdered, he said he had woken up to it and it scared him, he didnt know what to do(this was a grown man). They laughed and giggled about it.....I cant explain why they reacted this way except that they had been very drunk....they were meant to be my friends but they heard and did not help....
I guess they presumed because I wasnt screaming rape the next morning that everything was ok and that maybe I had just been drunk,had been having a bad dream or something....I dont know how they justified it to themselves....I genuinely dont....
I left and had a shower and didnt get up out of bed for days....I was very unwell,my mind just seemed to have shut down and I was not able to think clearly, be worried or concerned or mad....it was just a blank nothing....
It has taken me several years to process what happened that night....to fully accept it...to take it all on board and how much it affected my life.
Im sorry I tried to talk about this with a listener but they just kept asking triggering questions and im just hoping typing this here will allow.me to rest as I have been triggered by something and it jist keeps playing over and over in my head and I so desperately would like to sleep =)
I'm sorry you had to experience what no one should ever have to endure, I'm sorry you feel even an iota of blame, for an event you had not even an ounce of responsibility for. I could tell you how I feel about the one who took advantage of you, but I don't think that it would help you, nor do I think you would care to hear any of it.
@AntiquatedTaste
Oooo you know what I think writing that here was very healing. I eventually got some sleep and now I can read it and not cry. It took me reading it several times before that happened but now I feel more in touch with my feelings in relation to it.
I was never truly able to feel anger in relation to it, just this overwhelming sadness and I get now why I was so triggered. I was triggered because there is a high profile rape case in the media where I am at the moment and I keep getting asked what I think about it, but whats trigering me is the anger and that is because I have never dealt with my own.
Now I feel like I have gotten to the cesspit of feelings(what has lay there beneath the sadness for so long). I can feel the anger bubbling in my chest and thats good , it means I am finally fully able to direct those negative feelings where they should go. Because I have a right to be angry, I didnt ask for that to happen and he had no right to do that, and the people in the house should have helped me.
I will not let these feelings consume me, they have always been there ive just never been able to tap into them.....
Its so weird how physically since I have woken up that I can feel this and its years since it happened.....
@indigoBeing9907 a wound was afflicted upon your person, and with time it produced a foul pus, but you have now lanced it duly with rage, opening it and allowing the offal to drain, with time it will heal. I'm glad you could find a productive means to progress in your grieving process, I hope you find the wellness of spirit that you have always deserved.
@indigoBeing9907
I'm glad it helped to write it out!! If writing helped keep it up, either on here or in a journal. It also helps to write out things and burn them!! Or destroy by shredding to avoid a fire but I like to burn them.!! Like write a letter to the "friends" people in the house that night. Let them have it! Get your anger out! You should be heard! But just get it out on paper then destroy it.
Good luck! Im here if you want to talk!
I am so angry right now and I am not used to this feeling, I think ive suppressed it for most of my life. I have never felt something like this. I'm not sure how to handle it, its a big mixture of rage and hopelessness and it feels like its beating on my chest.
Sorry to sound so melodramatic but writing a letter right now doesnt feel like it would put a dent on this anger.
I am so angry for every person who has ever been by someone else for no other reason but easure, a desire to dominate and have total control.
In furious at everyone who turns a blind eye to other people's suffering.
I am enraged at the injustice of it all.
I am so fcking angry at the lack of humanity.
And I feel hopeless because I can do so little about any of it!!!!!!!#!
@indigoBeing9907
Melodrama depicts an affected expression, an unjustified one, no, I think your expression is genuine, and fully justified, an apoplectic fever, a rupture of the excrescence that has been growing dormant within you for so long.
And I hate that I cant edit my own posts because when I get emotional I make alot of mistakes!! Sorry!
Please ignore me, Im just ranting because I feel like screaming!!!!
I am so fcking angry at me too, I wish I could go back and shake myself to snap out of it.
I wish I had not passed out....I wish I could go back and yell blue fcking murder, cause holy hell. Scream from the roof tops that what he did was wrong, punch anyone that was laughing at me.
I want to back and be strong and report the shit out of him, demand he get locked up and never see the light of day.
Show the people there my bruises ask them what is so funny about being raped, ask them what the fck were they doing not coming to my aid, shaming them into feeling guilty and motivating them to seek redemption by vowing to forever more not to turn a blind eye to people in pain.
I am angry that I didnt care for myself more....I am angry that my coping mechanism was to just down.
I am so angry about that because he was/is in a position of a power career wise.....I am angry because no one has stopped him and logically I would find it hard to believe that I am the only.one he has done this to ......although hoping beyond hope that I am.
I mean he took a huge risk doing that to me that night with people around......it showed arrogance, ....it showed he didnt care as long as he got what he wanted no.matter what the cost was.....
Im angry that I feel so helpless right now and that I cannot think of one viable way of doing anything constructive in relation to this anger....except vent, try and excercise most of it off tomorrow........
Visualise what it would be like to.scream all my anger at him knowing he would probably laugh at my face and I would want to stab him....
Fckfckfckfckfck!!!!!!!!
I would want to but I wouldnt, I am not a danger to myself or anyone else......its not intentions... its just feelings.....just wanted to clarify that!
It was not your fault. That's very important to remember! And I can totally see why'd you be angry, you have every right to be! That man was extremely horrible for doing that to you, and he deserves to be locked up in jail forever and ever. Those people that didn't help you and laughed obviously aren't real friends, and you deserve people who will believe you, support you, and help you. Find new friends!
Im so proud of you for writing this out and being strong enough to tell people. Keep writing if it helps you out. Self care is very important. I hope you can find a therapist to talk about this to!
Take care! <3
Thank you all for your replies,
I know I should probably start a new thread on the diary forum if I want to continue logging whats going on for me, so please feel free to move this post to that forum if you so wish.
Im in a perpetual state of slight dissociation at the moment, not sure if thats because of something happening medically with me but to be honest I cant afford to go to a doctor right now.
I really want things to get better and I dont know what to do. Ive lost the anger,and im in this state of sadness again.
You see I know someone else who got hurt as a child and she is struggling alot right now but unfortunately we have never been able to.chat about what happened to us even though I have tried in the past.
Sometimes it just feels like too much has happened. Too many hurtful incidents and right now it all just seems to be weighing on me and not feeling able to have much control.
I have an urge to just sit here and never move, but that would be hurting me too.
Im afraid to dream because I dont see it as a possible of becoming true. Part of me would love to have a loving relatiinship or any kind of healthy relationship but I feel way too damaged for that......
I guess im going through a period where im finding it hard to be hopeful.
