Trigger warning - my story

So... I'm brought here because I just can't contain it any longer, I've so many issues going on right now and feel so insecure.

When I was young I ended up being involved in what I thought was normal behaviour with a neighbour a couple of years older than me, he used to tell me that I couldn't tell anyone or he would tell my parents. This went on from since I can remember about age 6- 10, then then I was 12 I was subjected to grooming which then lead to the dreaded word... I've never actually said this out loud before. Not even in therapy. After that was someone else I knew whilst I was intoxicated and then a friend who was taking me to see my girlfriend and wouldn't drive me any further until he had his way. I'm left in utter dispair it was a few years ago since the last, but how could inlet this happen so much? I never asked for it... Any of it. Why me and why so many times? I suffer flashbacks and PTSD, my family don't know but I feel I need to tell my in-laws as they're becoming suspicious to my behaviour of why I won't hug them etc. I can't afford to go back to therapy just yet to carry on and I've never told anyone this much. I'm so lost and hurting. Questioning was it my fault why did it happen so much