Unwanted thoughts and feelings
I thought i would share my childhood because it was a really tramatizing time and im hoping that telling my story might help in some way for me and also maybe help others like me to know that they are not alone. My dad passed away when i was 16. Ive never had any feelings for him for what he did to me except for fear and hatred towards him. In my mind he was no father of mine. Just a monster that i hated but feared so when he died i was releaved and happy but scared to death still to tell my story out of fear of my mom because she was abusive as well to me and knew what my dad was doing and let him do it. I was scared to say anything while they were alive. My mom passed away a few years ago and even though i feel some releif because they are gone i am still tramatized so bad that i cant live a normal life. I cant have nornal relationship and am scared to allow anyone to touch me and often freak out. I am in a relationship but i struggle with it and the memories of what happened to me often surface and get in the way. My relationship is constantly up and down. I am extremely afraid of the dark. I have a lot of candles abd battery powered light in case the power is lost in the house. No room in my house is ever dark. The lights stay on all the time. I cannot walk into a dark room and i cant sleep in the dark. I wont go anywhere that it is too dark to see my surroundings. This is a hard thing to live with. I am scared to sleep at night because of the nightmares that i have when i sleep.
This is my second post. I thought i would share my first encounter with my dad. I was 6 years old. It was summertime. We had no close neighbors and no one to hear me cry. I dont know what happened to me before the age of six because i dont remember. My first memories is my dad coming into my room at night a few times a week. I would wake up to him lying vehind me and rubbing my back. I remember thinking that it wasnt right wondering why he was in my room. I was scared to question him or to ask him to stop. My dad was very strict and was an alcoholic. My mom and dad did a lot of drugs as well. I would get in trouble for the smallest of things. Things i would never punish my children for. Punishments were harsh and would be hit across my back with the buckle side of his belt leaving my back horribly bruised. My horribly scared of my dad and obeyed him out of fear. I felt very alone in my childhood and felt like my birth was a mistake and that they never wanted me from the begining. Only 2 things brought me comfort. But that story is for my next post
Well, a new day and despite a long horrible night at work i am doing better than most days ive had lately. I did get a good amount of sleep last night. I usually fight sleep and try to stay awake because im afraid of the nightmares i have and panic attacks that follow. My anxiety is very high at night. Work is hard. I like to work alone and for the most part i do but nervous and scared when other workers that i dont know get too close to me. I am a dishwasher at a retirement home so im in the kitchen the whole time. The only ones im around are the cook and two servers who never bother me and have slowly gotten to know them and feel comfortable around them. But every other worker and even my own supervisor make me uncomfortable and freek out if they try to talk to me or get to close. I have problems with people because my parents shut me out away from the world my whole life until i turned 15. I was homeschooled and kept indoors. I never got to go to a park, a movie theatre or anything outside of my home ever. The only time i was allowed outside was in my own yard but we didnt have any close neighbors. When i was growing up we had a horse. When i was 5 my mom put me on the horse and i developed a natural talent for riding. Riding that horse was the only thing that made me happy and forget about everything els for a moment and it was the only time i was allowed to be outside.