WHOSE CHILD IS THIS
At the age of 3 we were removed from my mothers home. Me and 5 of my sisters. Why because my mother was on Welfare and was useing her money to drink and party. One day their was no food for us to eat my mom got some can goods out of the dump and fed it to one of my older sisters and I. We got real sick and was rushed to the hospital where my sister later died. They were able to save my life and the 5 of us girls were then placed in foster care. One morning I awoke and 4of my sisters were gone I never knew what happened to them till years later. Now their were just two of us sisters left. A couple came to the house and we were told we were going to spend the night. We were excited and happy. They lived on an Air Force base. My first trauma was getting to their home and telling them I had to use the bathroom. I had never seen inside pluming before let lone a toilet. I had been dressed in my favorite sun dress, I loved that dress.They told me to go on to use the toilet, I hopped up and fell in my dress my but I was cold and wet I yelled ........
they all came running, But they began to laugh at me. I was reched a hand and pulled out of the toilet cold and wet and had urinated on my self. I cryied I felt hurt and embarrased. Late that evening we were brought back to the foster care and about a week or so later Mrs. Evans was packing our clothes. I ask her why and she said that the people you spent the night with is coming to adopt you. I began to feel fear all over me. I cryed and told her I did not want to go. Something inside me knew this was not good. I wanted to hide but was tolf no, you're going to be fine. They arrived and took our suit cases to this big black shinny car and away we went, my sister and I. Our first stop was the court house where they changed my name. Now we are on our way to our new home and new parents. They showed us our bed rooms and in this long cardboard box was laying on the bed. Our new mom handed the box to my sister to open. It was a beautiful rubber wedding doll all dressed in white with a white veil that draped her face. Mom said it's for both of you to play with. She must have told some friends we......
@scarletPear1945
Going to jump ahead in my story. At 4 yrs old my adopted dad began fondling me when he gave me my baths. Then it went to the Big Favors.
That was incest every time he could. I would be sore and irritated. Then he would say I going to show you the game called Wind. He would cover my nose and mouth till I thought I was dying. Then he would let go and say don't tell anyone. Sometimes My dad would take both his hands put them over my ears and pull me up in the air by my head. This went on till I was 13. Where was my mother? She got scared and left leaving us with our dad. How smart was that?..........to be continued............
edited by dancingRainbow45 to comply with Trauma Community Guidelines on posts not containing graphic or indepth descriptions to avoid triggering others where possible.
@scarletPear1945
I thought that on my 13th birthday my dad would stop molesting me because I had got my period and now could get pregnant. Wishful thinking was what I was doing. It did not stop. Let me fill in some missed points to this story. I would be in bed at night to be awakened with my dad in my room in the dark pulling off my clothes and messing with me. Even when my sister was in the room he could slip in and do that to me. Was he so good that others in the house never knew what was happening to me? It soon got to the place that if I wanted to go visit a friend or just go outside to play I was denied that privilege unless I agreed to give him THE BIG FAVOR which was my body. So that made me consenting to what he was doing to me. I could not go to church with the rest of the family because he would tell them he needed to talk to me and they believed him and would leave me with him. When we had the house alone he became even more sexual with me.....
@scarletPear1945
I would cry and ask him not to do this to me because it hurt me but he would just say I'll be careful. I won't hurt you I wanted to die, I wanted it to just be over. I would find myself going to a place where it seems like I was not in my body but I was looking down on myself like a dream state. When I was in this state of mind I could feel nothing no pain. I was numb no pain. When he was finished with me he would again remind me that this was our secret. After it was over My dad was the sweetest person one would ever meet. He was a man that dressed in suits and was looked on in the community as a man of valor. Nobody would have believed me if I would have told. My dad was a government employee, who worked at the Big House as an accountant............to be con't.................
edited by dancingRainbow45 to comply with Trauma Community Guidelines on posting
@scarletPear1945
I would be afraid to sleep at night because I knew he would come slithering to my bed. Some nights I would awake and find my dad sitting in the corner of my room just watching me. Things got so bad that I began to think about suicide. I would think about running out in front of a car or bus. But I was afraid to die because I thought I would go to Hell. Meanwhile when alone with Mom she would get mad and lock me in a dark closet or put red pepper on my tongue. I was washing dishes and broke one of our dogs' bowels my mom got mad and broke a plate over my head that cut part of my ear off. Blood running on my clothes and my mother said I broke the bowel on purpose. I did not, it slipped out of my hand and that's the truth. It was Thanksgiving mom brought dinner home but gave my dinner to the dog and made me eat a bowl of Gravy Train. I do not buy That dog food today because of memories...............con't........
@scarletPear1945
CLEANING DAYS WITH MOM: what were they like? I really had no issue with doing my chores because I wanted to do anything that would make mom happy. Mom and my sister were allowed to use the mop and a toilet brush to clean, When I had to mop I was given a rag and bucket and had to clean the floor on my hands and knees. Mom would make me scrub the same floor for about 5 hours. The bathroom I had to clean the toilet with my hands no brush. I was woke up on Saturday mornings to scrub the black off the bottom of all the pots and pans. One day mom was changing a light bulb, she took the hot bulb and stuck it to my arm. I never found anything I did that pleased mom. I want my mom's love and approval, Why can she not love me?
@scarletPear194
My mom and I got into an argument I was about 10 and she was trying to whip me for something I did not do. My usual place of punishment was the basement or being shut in the bathroom with the dog and my food served on the bathroom floor. I went to school one day and got expelled for giving a student my bowl of soup. Did not know it was wrong to give it away. I guess what made it worse was that the kid I gave the soup to just wanted to play in it. When asked whose soup it was everyone pointed to me. I was put out of school till my parent came, Oh my God my mom is going to kill me I kept going to school and did not tell her but she found out two days later, She would not listen to what happened she beat me so bad I got beat so much that I had no tears to shed and that made mom angrier. She snatched the curtains down made me strip and began hitting me with the curtain rod. I tried to crawl under the bed to get away. That's when I decided to run away. Did not know where I would go I just took to the streets. Night fell It's dark I don't know where I am there are stores around me
@scarletPear1945
people on the street are asking me if I am lost or where is my parent. I say she is in the store and they never question my answer. I slip in this clothes store and hide behind a rack of clothes. But I am afraid and I know that the store is going to close but I did not know where to go. I ran out of the store thinking maybe someone will give me a quarter to call home. Surely mom would be so scared that she would not be mad at me. She will be glad I called. So I walked the streets still, looking for someone that looked friendly enough to ask for a quarter. To my surprise, this man approached me and ask what I was doing out there at night. I told him I was lost and he asked where I lived and I told. He said I'll take you home so I followed him to his car and got in. He locked the doors and he raped me right there in the car. Then he dropped me off in front of our apartment and sped off, I knew now that I could not ring the buzzer for mom to let me in, so I went to the basement and hid. The police were at our door they were looking for me.I stayed hidden until one of the neighbors came downstairs to get her laundry and she spotted me. She snatched me up and said your mother is looking for you. She escorted me to our door and knocked
the new mom had told the neighbors at the Air Force base we were there. So one of moms friends sent there little girl to play with us. Her name was Jackie and she might have been 5 or 6 years old. Any way we started to play house with the doll when Jackie suggested the doll had been bad and needed a whipping. She began to spank the doll and then began to beat the doll on the bed legs till the doll burst open black cotton filling flying out..We went running to our mom to tell her what happened. She mde Jackie go home and we got the whipping of our lives for letting her tear up that doll. Mom was a nurse and our new dad was in the Air Force stationed in Korea off andd on. Mom worked 3rd shift and would leave dad there to get us off to bed. My dad would always give my sister her bath first and put her to bed. She was one year older than me. I was 4 and she was 5. I was always last getting my bath. My dad began fondleing me all over saying stuff like I saw you playing with your self. I was not nor did I understand what he was talking about. The way he fondeled me sometimes would hurt.
But when I told him he acted as if he did not hear me.when getting me out of the tub he would wrap me in a towel and sit me on his lap and unzip his pants and try to have intercourse with me. Dad told me not to tell any one or I would be bad and get a whipping. So I didn't until I
No one to claim this child no one who cares.
So life goes on with the question at hand
WHOSE CHILD?
@scarletPear1945 i can't imagine how piercing the pain might be that you had to go through -physically and mentally. Words can't be enough.
For days and years you had to face such terrible experiences from so many people that you met in life- the experiences that you didn't deserve to face in life. No human being should go through such unbearable pain. I am sorry that you faced those and never got the love that you yearned for and actually deserved as a child.
May I ask you how things are for you at present?
@SunFern
Thank you for the caring words. Life today is still so scared and maimed. It is so difficult to deal with the flashbacks that occur all too often. The sleepless nights, The fear and torment that haunts me day and night. The lack of emotions that have been numbed or killed and destroyed The inability to trust or even to feel safe. The abuse and incest, the rapes, verbal assaults that taint your self-worth. The inability to feel, to be destroyed ravished. What may or could have been we'll never know.
But life must go on, even if looking of others through tainted windows it is what it is. I am the one who has to adapt and find the skills just to live day to day while the predators keep destroying the lives.
@scarletPear1945 understandable. it is increadibly tough to get over those horrifying experiences. and when your close people were the ones who abused you for years, feeling safe with the world is no easy job.
but i love your spirit that amidst of those adversities in life, you have decided to live for yourself. undoubtedly the path is not easy for you. and can be frustrating too at at times. in spite of that, i appreciate your courage to share your story and marching forward in life.
may i ask you what kind of support system do you have at the moment?
@SunFern
Right now I have a 7cups therapist that is working with me. Thanks for asking and I appricate you just responding
@scarletPear1945
so sorry for the late reply. i got stuck in some issues.
that sounds good that you are working with a therapist. hope it helps you in your journey of life.
you are a brave soul. and by that I don't mean that you have to overcome all the traumatizing feelings all at once or you have to try that. it's never easy and i understand that. What I mean is that you have a fighting spirit and you are a human being deserving of every love, respect and care. Your emotions matter and most importantly YOU matter.
my very best wishes for you. I believe in you !
@SunFern
I thank you so much for having faith to believe I can be an overcomer
Some days are good and other times I fall back 10 steps
.
@scarletPear1945 i understand it's a rocky path. Following those terrible years, it's not possible to wipe away those memories so easily for you. And because you're actively trying to move forward in life, frustration, anger and many other emotions are accompanying you and making it a constant battle.
i still adore your fighting spirit. in life we fall behind many times, circle around the same thing again and again, but the giant wall breaks one day when we keep pushing and stand up after being knocked down by adversities. and i have faith in you. YOU CAN DO IT TOO !
@SunFern
SunFern Thanks for the vote of confidence. Sometimes just knowing someone believes in you is half the battle
@ScarletPear1945
how are you doing?
@SunFern
Hello I am ok. I have a bad cold now
@scarletPear1945
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm happy to see other survivors wiling to speak about what happened to them. It makes the rest of us feel less alone <3
@scarletPear1945 sorry to hear that. hope you are taking care of your health. *hugs* hope you feel better soon.
@SunFern
Well here I am today, once again I stand in the mirror without any answers as of yet. Like a lost puppy. I once was young and now I am old, been searching for all too long. Existing and not living just getting by from day to day. Weary from my journey yet none the wiser.
When I sought help from professionals they breached my confidence by telling my abuser I told. Just about caused me my life. So from fear I never told my story, I never got to deal with the pain or talk to anybody. I had to hide my pain and hurt but it changed my whole life. Being here has been the first time I have revealed this information because I have been tormented all my life with this stuff. I have tried to be my own healer but it has never worked. I keep hearing about this trauma being my past but it is not past it's my future now. Whenever I get up it gets up too. How I now have daily triggering effects that are today not past.
Does anyone hear what I am saying? it's today I am traumatized today I am tormented. Yes, it was part of my past but it is still my today. I want help but they want to help me with what they think I need. I think I am the one suffering and I should call my issue as I see it and we can begin to get my mind to focus more constructively. But you keep pushing my stuff back in the secret closet.
But expect me to change my mind and get positive and mindful and grounded when my mind is so jammed with how to get healing from my gaping hole of rage and hurt I am bleeding out and no one to help treat the wound. Playing doctor on issues that are irrelevant to my bleeding wound.
But I am wrong in wanting to be free of this bondage. You see it, and I know you have got to hear the pain in the words that I speak. Yet I am turned off like a light switch.
WHOSE'S CHILD AM I
STILL TRYING TO REESTABLISH MY ROOTS IN WHOSE CHILD AM I???
Two moms and two dads. Yet I had none. Four dead and gone and I yet wonder whose child I was. No close relationships with either, not accepted by either and now who is family. No one
Like a puzzle that looks like it should fit in a space but does not. Who will mourn for me when I am gone. These pieces just don't fit.
guess I'll never be able to claim a family, that does not set well, but I have to accept it.
guess I'll never be able to claim a family, that does not set well, but I have to accept it.
It has been almost one whole year since I wrote these articles. A lot has begun to change in my life. I am and have let go of so much anger and hostility that had built up and I could not find a release. Today I am closer to being free than I eve have been in my life. I still have moments of flashbacks and memories that still make me cry but for most of my days, I float through without a lot of repercussions.
