What happened? (Trigger warning--sexual abuse)
Back in April I got out of a pretty abusive relationship. I still wanted to be with him and he still kind of played games with my emotions for a little while after it ended. Back in July I read something I wrote the night after he did something to me that I had completely blocked from my mind. I was shocked when I read it, but it all came flooding back and I remembered it clearly.
He told me we were going to do something, I said I wasn't sure that I wanted to, he said we were at least going to try, and he was kind of scaring me all night, so I went with it...when we did, I started to panic, yelled at him to stop and tried to push him off of me...thankfully he stopped for a little bit...then he asked to try again, so even though I didn't want to, I wanted to make him happy, so I said ok. I started to scream at him to stop again, but he got all the way inside of me and just laid there on me and just "helped me" to relax...so I went ahead and just did what he wanted...later that night, he did it again, but without warning and after I had already told him I wasn't sure if I could do it again. I could barely breathe and all I could do was yell his name, look up at him, and grab onto his arm trying to get him to stop.Then he (conviently after he finished) "realized" I was lying there sobbing (which I didn't even know I was crying at all). So he apologized over and over again saying he didn't realize I was crying. I just rolled over, covered up and cried because I literally could not stop myself from crying. He left to go cook all of the food we bought together, ate every bit of it on his own, then crawled back in bed and asked if I still hated him...
I blocked it out of my mind and I'm so angry that I did. I stayed with him. Every time he wanted to do this same thing (which basically happened from then on every time we slept together), I would get tense and he would get really frustrated that I was tense. I didn't understand why I got so tense, so I felt really bad about it and did my best to relax and just go with it.
I ended things with him after he got physically abusive and cheated on me. I still wanted to be with him and missed him though even though I didn't want to.
I started noticing my anxiety getting so much worse at work (I work as a psych tech in an emergency department)...to the point of me having to talk myself out of panic attacks, freezing up whenever a patient started showing any signs of aggression and having to stop myself from running out of the ED. I started dissociating some at work, experiencing low self esteem, feeling dizzy all of the time and even passing out.
After reading that I felt numb...until I said it out loud. When I said it out loud all kinds of emotions hit me and I realized just how bad it was. Now if a guy touches me at all in a way that I perceive as threatening, even if it may not be, I start to panic. I've never hated someone like I hate him.
It's crazy how much someone can mess you up in a short amount of time. He was so manipulative, killed my self esteem, sent me back into depression, emotionally, sexually and physically abused me...we weren't together for long, but I feel so ashamed of myself for staying at all. I never thought I would be "that girl" that would stick around.
I guess I've developed some PTSD from it all?...which is incredibly frustrating.
It's just so confusing because I don't know what to call it...I don't know how to feel about it all...am I overreacting? Did he really not know he was hurting me? When I put all the details of the specific experience out there I get angry and feel like it's justified anger...then I'll doubt myself. Since I stayed with him does it count as an assault? I couldn't get the words "stop" or "no" out because I was hurting so bad, in shock, and could barely breathe....he had hurt me a lot earlier that night and I never told him for sure that I was ok with doing that again...so it wasn't ok, right?
I still see him. from time to time because we have a lot of mutual friends and hang out at the same places at times..we pretend each other doesn't exist...but he's still there. And I hate it. It's gotten easier, which is good, but it still sucks a lot.
Ugh...it's just all so confusing.
edited by dancingRainbow45 To comply with community guidelines on non explicit information
@Ref87 Oh my g-d. I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. I am glad that you came here for help. Maybe you should seek out some professional help. I am glad that you broke up with him. Please know that, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He is a monster. You are not alone, there are other women who have gone through what you are going through. If you want some resources, https://www.rainn.org/ that website is a good one. I hope things get better for you <3
@CastielIsPerfect Thank you! :) I appreciate your reply so much and the resources.
@Ref87
If you read nothing else in this response, hear this: What happened to you was NOT okay.
There are all kinds of nuances in relationships, times when one partner misreads another, times when someone blames the other for being overly sensitive or emotional, times when we are in sync with one another and times when we couldn't be further out of sync. But it sounds as though your significant other heard your reluctance to participate in this act from the very beginning, pushed or manipulated you into engaging in it anyways, and then outright ignored your resistance and tears until he got what he wanted out of the situation. That is abuse. Very simply put, that is abuse.
That you would be experiencing traumatic symptoms related to this now is the part of this that is actually, sadly, normal. Because of the severity of what you went through and it sounds as though you were so alone with all of it, you are bound to experience flashbacks, confusing thoughts, feelings of ambivalence, and being uncertain of your own reality. The unfortunate news is that there's really no way around this process - you can only go through it, and know that you can and you will come out the other side. You endured abuse. You walked away. All of this indicates to me that you are really a very, very strong person. You'll need that strength to work through your trauma responses, and you'll also need a lot of good self-care.
I'm thinking of you.