Whats the point?
OK i know i made a breakthrough today but i am going downhill emotionally fast tonight.. Seriously Whats the point?? Something my new psychiatrist said today sticks in my brain.. he asked " where was your mum while the sexual abuse happened?" Well she was right there, punishing me for it, telling me to be quiet, abusing me at home and sending me to him to be abused also.. Im just so tired.. I fight this battle daily and i know im making progress but i dont know maybe its because im sick and im really grumpy and i feel so vulnerable when im sick but i just want to scream, i want to cry, i want to break things... My childhood was awful and im reliving it every single night.. Im so freaking alone because i just dont know how to trust people.. I am glad I found this community but I just dont know how much longer i can keep fighting this fight.. I want to help others, I want to be useful and show my worth but i dont feel like im worth anything (except for people to use, take advantage of and be a punching bag).. I find myself ranting so much lately on this site and while its great to get it off my chest, i then feel guilty because i dont know.. i feel like i shouldnt be speaking, i should be keeping my mouth shut like i was taught... Im trying so hard but i just dont want to anymore 
.. Sorry guys
And i feel like there is a damn elephant sitting on my chest and my head is all fuzzy.. but i cant lie down and go to sleep because my mind wont turn off!!!
@calmLake1999
Hi Calm,
I am so sorry that you are facing such incomprehensible betrayals from those who were supposed to love and care for you. It is something that many try for years to understand how this could have occurred.
My own struggle compounded my need to know why/ how could theyfrom the moment I became a parent. I love my child in way that was like nothing I could ever imagine. At that point, I realized that I was born an innocent, happy child just like you.
We deserved unconditional love and support. Your parents failed you and it was not your fault. You did nothing but provide them with the privilege of loving their child.
There are no justifications, ananlyrical or situational circumstances where their behavior can be excused much less understood. You were and are lovable and carry no guilt or shame. It is theirs to bear.
Please give it back to them so the wonderful person I enjoy can heal and thrive. Knowing you are the joy you bring to people is the purpose of moving ahead. Give them back the accountability, shame and pain as it belongs to them.
With heartfelt, unconditional love respectful for. those who took care of you during that time
Safe hugs
@Compassionatelistener108
*hugs* I am trying to give back the accountability and blame to them. I am taking extra precautions also now to ensure that i remain safe. I started to let go of the blame but her showing up in my life again and the betrayal coming from someone I thought I could trust hurts and has thrown me back into the self blame. Its easier to believe that I am to blame then to place it on others.. I've always tried to see the good in others and unfortunately easily believed what I've been told and taught about myself.. Its getting harder to believe though that there is good in my mother or her friend because it is incomprehensible what they did to me without remorse or even a second thought and moreso now she is again trying to force my hand.
I feel so alone because reality is there was no one in my life to show me that there was more to life when I was a child. They turned a blind eye to what was going on in that house but I still can't blame them because maybe they knew how dark my mum was or they feared for themselves and their families. I don't know its just speculation. Im more hurt though that they sided with my mum when I finally stood up for myself just over a year ago and I think that's where I find it difficult to not think Im at fault because all those that were present in my life turned on me reinforcing what they said.. Which was no one cares.. I am just trying one day at a time to pick myself up again 😕
@calmLake1999
I am so sorry that you failed to receive the validation you needed and deserved from those closest to you. It is difficult enough to gather the courage to confront individuals much less being treated in a dismissive manner
It truly breaks my heart. It may not help at the moment but try to remember that there are people who will believe and support you unconditionally.
Dont ever forget that I believe you and support your steps toward healing as does this community. We are here for you whenever you need us or simply want to share some positive thoughts.
I wish you all the best 💛
@Compassionatelistener108
Thanks.. Being part of this community has helped me so much with opening up and not allowing the fear to overtake me.. One step at a time. I will get there I just got to remember that I can do this. 💖
@calmLake1999
Hi Calm,
It is morning here. I was looking at your post and it is indeed frightening to feel as though you are reliving your experiences on a daily basis. You have already made such great progress. It can be more difficult when you are going through the process to recognize the positive steps. They really are present and are much easier to see as others encourage you 💛 I believe in you, I believe in your courage and I hear how exhausting it can be at times. Remember that you don
@calmLake1999
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time... I hope you are finding lots of support and encouragement here on 7 cups. 
I know this isn't much but, it's gonna be okay. I don't know how you're going to go from this point on but I really hope from the bottom of my heart it's gonna work out. You said you had a psychiatrist, Have you told them about this? Do you have any means of finding a safe place until you can figure things out in the meantime (eg: a friend or relative's place of who'em you trust?) If you want to talk about this please talk to me. I'm here to listen if you need help
@Mikathewolfdog
Thanks for your support.. Logically i know its going to be ok but emotionally i dont feel like that.. I'm just tired of trying constantly to have people betray me and put my safety at risk.. I don't even know anymore..
@calmLake1999
You feel threatened
@Mikathewolfdog
Yes I am at the moment
@Mikathewolfdog
But Im taking the steps to ensure my safety