flutterby's diary (warning may be graphic at times)

So I thought I would start my own diary entry and add to it when I can. I will gradually add my story here but may not be in the right order, just what I can manage at the time, and some thoughts I have about what is going on with me. Feel free to reply/add comments if you can relate to anything I talk about.

Basically I came to 7cups for support for long term recovery from PTSD. I was under mental health services for years following an admission to a mental health unit, and had 4 years of pscyhotherapy after that. I have now been discharged from mental health and my medications are gradually being reduced by my family doctor to hopefully stop in the next year.

A lot of things are changing for me and I cannot thank my psychotherapist enough for all the work she did with me. If you'd asked my 10 years ago if I could imagine being in the situation I am in now, I would have laughed you out the door.

In 4 months I am getting married.

I wouldn't have been able to imagine being in a relationship let alone imagine getting married!

I was sexually abused from a very young age until I was 9, by my biological father. A combination of very complicated family dynamics meant it was impossible for me to know it was so wrong, or allow me to do anything about it. It's very easy as an adult to look at a situation like that and think "why wouldn't the child just say something, theres so many people she could talk to school, family etc" but it's just so much more complicated than that.

The pscyhological affect sexual abuse has on a child cannot be overestimated. Abusers are clever, they have ways of manipulating children and have unimaginable control. If you've never been in a situation like that, you just cannot begin to comprehend the complexity.

Over the years I have told a few people a little about what has happened to me and had a complete mix of reactions. People say things like, "it can't have been that bad or you would have told someone" or "I don't think that's even possible to do with a child of that age" but believe me anything is possible.

I've had more than my fair share of people not believing me which is why I have stopped telling people in real life. Even my fiance does not know. I have wanted to tell him, to help him understand why I may not want to have sex whenever he does, why sometimes I feel vulnerable for no apparent reason. But I dont want him to change the way he looks at me, I don't want him to feel sorry for me, I just want to feel normal when I'm with him.

Anyway I think that's enough for right now.