is there something wrong?
I am exhausted. Replaying my life and it’s taken until I am 20 to look back and see that maybe I didn’t deserve everything - but with trauma it’s also hard to see that or even reality and I have trouble trusting myself - “maybe I did deserve everything” I don’t think that outright but my body implies it often - I’m exhausted from the shame - I’ve taken so many things that I would never allow to happen to others because my parents changed my reality - I thought it was normal I thought that the smallest mistakes warranted them screaming and name calling - I thought that it was normal to have to take peoples anger in all forms I thought it was normal to always be scared - I look out for the smallest changes in people and I think that people will hate me or revoke their love if I do the smallest thing - I’ll spill a drink and fear my life - I’m exhausted - this never was normal or okay for my parents to act how they did but now I live - living as my own person - but I feel like a collage of remains from a broken family and a history of repeated pains because my bodies programmed to find what hurts it
TW: PARENTAL VERBAL ABUSE SORRY
Nobody deserves to have abuse hurled at them, even if they offended or made a mistake. That's not a healthy way to treat others, and I am sorry to hear you lived a life under that. It's okay to struggle with it. People seek comfort in the familar, even when it hurts us. Being aware is the first step, and it sounds like you've made it already. Sometimes it's a slow journey, and like anything in life can be filled with setbacks and obstacles. What matters is that we keep pushing forward, whatever that means for you. You, and all of us, have value and deserve people who will treat us with kindness- those are the only bonds worth having in your life.
thank you for this - this is something that is really gonna stick with me so I appreciate that
