my journey starts here

So recently I have been going through a period of change mentally, hence the reason I joined this site and started making an active effort to ‘recover or research my experience.

This is just going to be a personal place to track my own thoughts and progress , feel free to comment if you want but this is largely for personal use (though I will happily engage in conversation!)

so where to start???

it has recently come to my attention that my trauma has manifested itself SEVERELY into parts of my life that deeply affect who I am as a person. Whilst it was always in the back of my mind that this was the case, recent events have completely bought such facts to light. Or more so, the fact that I need to make change and overcome this if I want to start behaving differently. For example, my severe low self esteem, dysmorphic tendencies, disordered eating, fear of men, withdrawn attitude to romance and intimacy-this fear and distrust that surrounds me constantly.

Up until a week and a half ago I had somewhat convinced myself that it wasnt THAT bad. That if I found the right person, the right moment, I would finally be able to stop the trauma from holding me back. Just because I hadnt been able to kiss my (ex)boyfriend, that didnt mean there was anything THAT wrong right? Because I didnt actually have feelings for him..

But no. I have come to the conclusion that it is THAT bad. I am well and truly, mentally f*cked.

Last week, I went on holiday with a LD guy friend. I used to have pretty strong feelings for him. Then they kind of faded. On this trip, I felt a lot of affection for him. He has feelings for me too. But I could not kiss him for the life of me. It is something I regret, so, so, so much. I do not know when i will see him next. It could be months, but more than likely, a year. As soon as we said goodbye, and those train doors closed on me, I felt this intense, deep feeling of regret well up inside me and wrench at my gut. Damn! Damn damn! This was my ONE oppourtunity and I completely flushed it down the freaking toilet like an idiot! Words cannot describe the freaking regret I feel. We got close. He tried to kiss me and hold my hand. I rejected him! WHY?! Because each time, this massive feeling of horror, ice cold, fight or flight terror would wash over my body and squeeze me tight, forcing my hand to let go, forcing my head to turn the other way. and my head would be screaming, what are you doing?? just kiss him already!! But I couldnt! For the life of me, I couldnt! I am an adult and i still cannot let anyone get close to my lips without this feeling of repulsion and fear. We slept in the same bed. We cuddled. But I could not let it go any further.

My feelings surrounding love, trust and intimacy are warped. The realist side of me knows there is nothing to fear; I am safe, and if i dont like it I can stop at any time. But the trauma side of me, that small child, tells me not to let it happen again. Everybody is a threat. Kissing is bad, It is disgusting, it is wrong, and anyone who wants to kiss you is only doing it for themselves. Because you are too ugly for anybody to actually want to kiss you.

This type of thinking has to stop. Beause if it doesnt, I will never be able to get close with anyone the way I want to. I will keep wasting these beautiful oppourtunities life is handing to me.

Just yesterday, I started the self help guide on this site. and wow. Some of those excersizes gave me the new outlook i have been craving for so long. it is exposing the flaws, lack of sense behind, and reasons for my thoughts. But at the same time, I don't know if its enough. Reading my 'detailed trauma account' out loud does not stress or upset me as much as i thought it would. It is like reading somebody elses diary. Whilst my body acted anxious (I realised i had been scratching myself the entire time), i did not feel much emotion. Maybe I do need therapy. But i feel getting therapy will be admitting this is real, or like giving in. I held out for so long.

(plus, the waiting list for free therapy is about 100000 years long)

(pluss, i cannot deal with the concept of my parents finding out)

On our final night together, we both got very drunk and i admitted some of my feelings. i remember sobbing, 'i think there's something wrong with me'. he told me that a therapist could help me, and it was not normal to feel the way i do. it was like at that moment, the weight of all my doubts and suspicions finally sloughed off my shoulders. somebody understood and respected me. But at the same time, the weight of responsibility fell upon me. Now i am ready to come to terms with my problems, i have to actually take action and deal with them.

For now, I think this is enough.