sexual assault, could be triggering

I don't really know how to begin this so I guess I'll just jump right into it. So I've been sexually assaulted twice, both times during my freshman year of college. The first time happened the day I moved in to my freshman dorm room and was with a guy I had been talking to online all summer leading up to college. I had always wanted to move away from my home state and go to college elsewhere, so I decided to attend a university half way across the country from my home state. As excited as I was, I was equally nervous about moving over 1,000 miles from home to a place where I knew no one, so needless to say, I was desperate to make friends as quickly as I could. Anyway, this guy I met was super nice to me online and we got along really well. We even facetimed before actually meeting in person, and I began to really feel a connection with the guy. Despite all of this, however, I remember getting some sort of "off" vibes from him a few times when he tried to talk about things I wasn't comfortable with. I still wanted his friendship though, so I just tried my best to not engage in those conversations too much. Fast forward to move in day, and I finaly got to meet him in person. I remeber being surprised at how tall he was and thinking he had gorgeous eyes and a really nice smile. I didn't want to start anything so quickly into college, but I did see the potential dating him down the line. We spent that whole day haning out, and eventually I went back to his room where we sat and talked for a bit. I regret ever even sitting on his bed, as he decided this was an invitation to start cuddling. I had literally no experience with boys before this, so I thought it was weird that he wanted to progress to that the first day we met but it didn't bother me too much, so I went along with it. Then he asked is he could kiss me and I said "no". About 20 minutes later he kissed me anyway. This should have been the point where I spoke up and left but I couldn't bring myself to. To this day I still don't know why I couldn't just leave. This is the part where things get hazy, but I remember things progressing and him being on top of me. He kept trying to put his hands in my pants, but I kept telling him I wasn't comfortable with that. But despite me saying no, he just kept insisting. Basically everything kept progressing, I think it took hours but it all seemed to fast. He kept talking about how he was the luckiest guy on campus, but I didn't feel so lucky. Quite honestly I didn't know what to feel. After all, I had just had my first kiss a few hours before, and there I was naked in bed with someone I just met. I remeber him asking me to go down on him, to which I said no. I said no over and over and over again but he wouldn't stop begging me, talking about how happy it would make him and how lucky he felt. I gave in. At that point we had done everything but sex, but he kept begging me for that too. I told him no. I told him I wasn't ready and that I didn't want to have sex before I started birth control to which he told me that was stupid and that I should just say yes already. I kept saying no. I don't know why I didn't leave. He kept rubbing himself against me until eventuall he just went inside me a little. I didn't want that; I told him so many times that I didn't. Then he put a condom on and started to have sex with me. I was silent the whole time, until I told him I was sore, hoping that would make him stop. He replied with "but its a good sore" and kept going. Eventually he stopped, and jerked himself off until he finished on my back as I laid face down in his bed. He begged me to stay the night but I insisted my roomate would worry if I didn't come back. I honestly don't think my roommate would have thought much of it if I didn't come back, but I used it as an excuse to go home. I had no idea that what happened was assault until my friend had mentioned it later on, but something in me kept telling me that I needed to leave, that it wasn't right to have my first kiss and lose my virginity in the same night. To this day I still blame myself for not just leaving.

After that experience, I got into a relationship that lasted about 4 months, until the start of my second semester in college. It was a short relationship but I had never felt that way about anyone before, so it really hurt when it ended poorly. To try and cope with the breakup and my previous assault, I turned to other guys. I ended up going to over my friend's place whom I'd had a bit of a crush on but didn't really expect it to go anywhere. After we finished our work, we were hanging out on his couch when he leaned over anfd kissed me. Literally the minute he started kissing me he had crawled on top of me and said vulgar things about what he wanted to do to me. I kinda just froze. Things progressed and at this point I was very indifferent to what was happening until what he was doing started to really hurt. I told him to stop and he said no. I said it again, and again he said no. It took me asking three times for him to actually stop at which point he stormed out of the room and left me stadning there, naked, unsure of what to do. He came back and we had sex again. Some parts were totally consenual and fine but I couldn't get over the fact that he refused to stop when I was in pain. But I did like him, as a friend and as a crush and I felt guilty upsetting him. Then that night while I was asleep he had put my hand down his pants and was forcing me to jerk hm off. I woke up to that and just pretended to be asleep because I didn't know what to do. He had sex again with me that morning even though I told him I was really sore and hurting. I kind of just gave up and let him because I knew no matter what I said, it would be ignored. I had an open, bleeding sore in a place I would rather not mention from how rough he was.

To this day, I still blame myself for all of it. I know I shouldn't, but I let things go so much furhter than I wanted, and I feel weak for not standing up for myself. I also feel guilty for even being so upset by these experieces. I never know how to lable it because assault seems so broad, but calling it rape, and equating it to anything violent seems unfair to those who have gone through so much worse. I struggle to enjoy sex, even with partners who are wonderful and respectful, just because I struggle to feel any emotions at all that aren't negative. I honestly am at a loss for what to do at this point.