sometimes i wish i was being raped again. [ TRIGGER WARNING ]
I know how disgusting this sounds. I was molested when I was six and then raped repeatedly over an 18 month period, totaling over 13times. We moved and he couldnt hurt me anymore but the police didn't believe me when we told them. He has found me two years later and a part of me wishes he would hurt me again. I don't know whether its to try get the police to believe me or if it hd become such a big part of my life that I "miss" it. Sorry
Like I relive it in my'mind and noone wants to help. Maybe if it is real they will help me?
Hi @squishymangapun! I am really sorry to hear what you went through. It must have been really hard and thus it has left an impact on your life. Is that the reason why you cannot forget it? Have you tried contacting sites such as www.rainn.org or any other helpline which can help you?
I tried RAINN out of desperation but the lady couldn't help
I also tried a therapist but I saw her hugging the monster so I couldn't go back. People love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It isn't uncommon for people who have been in traumatic situations to replay out the situation.
True. I'm in a similar situation at a small school. And I've had those same wishes. For me I felt if it happened again maybe I would be believed this time.
I'm sorry thats'happened. I feel like I'm going crazy:(
You're not. I'm with you.
WHY AM I SO MESSED UP!! I"M CRAZY!!!
"Crazy" is a term that helps you feel better, but it does not get you out of that blak hole you likely feel you are in.
Trauma is often viewed as an abnormal situation faced by a normal person. It does not mean you are crazy. You just need someone to help mentally support you on a regular basis. I notice you stopped seeing a therapist because of some connection or feeling of insincerity on his part. If that is the case, then see another therapist. In my travels with PTSD, I did the same at first. Misdiagnosed. Insulted at times, really. But after years of unhappiness, I just called it the "therapist circus" and went out and found people who really did help me -- often by just listening to me. I left the ones who were not good for me.
Good luck to you and post here too.
It is hard. There's only one therapist office type'thing here and my mum is one of the therapists wwho works there :( a psychiarist said I had ptsd with resultant depression and anxiety but I would be able to be a dr if I have that so I pretend I'm okay
*wouldn't
Hello,
I might be wrong but as far as I know it is quite common to wish or/and fantasy that traumas happen again. I have been said that it is a way of trying to heal oneself, absolutely not a sign of madness. By healing oneself I mean, by wishing or fantasying it again, your mind tries to fix the lack of control of your past situation, and the abandonment feeling you went through. For your mind, maybe "if that happens again", this time you will be saved, or you will be believed and the police will defend you by catching your abuser, or someone will come and save you unlike what had happened. Or you will just be able to be in control and stop him. Short said, it is a way that your mind has chosen to save you from an horrible feeling of helplessness and abandonment.
Does all that ring a bell for you?
I wish you the so very best in your healing path, I completely trust you in your ability to work all that out then to sort it out. You already had the tremendous courage to vent here about it and that is a wonderful positive point :)
Warm regards,
Gilles
Wow!! Thank you for this.
By the way, I apologize for my bad English!
I know for me, this has been an issue as well.... I've tried talking it out with my therapist too. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a very logistical type of person. I am always trying to figure out and rationalize everything that happens because then I can have more "definitives" to be able to move on or learn to cope from....
I have had this same "desire" - I was raped the first time by a stranger in a local major city. I had just gotten my license and I wanted to be a big shot and drive out for a "night on the town" by myself and long story short, I was walking one of the darker streets to head over to where I was going and I was jumped. I don't remember much other than waking up with my pants down and my stuff sprawled on the ground around me.... I felt dirty and confused.... in total disbelief.... I had no description of the guy and I was too ashamed. So I never reported it. I just went home and took a shower and went to bed. Got very depressed - it was just a bad scene....
Then fast forward to 2005. I was working for a friend rehabing and renovating his house up north. The deal was if I helped fix up the house and get roommates in there and be the property manager, I could live there rent free while I went to school up there. I was doing the work alone and I had been talking to this guy online for awhile - several months... Seemed like a nice guy. Gentle, seemed genuine. I was talking to him about the project and what I needed to do and he offered to come over one night to help me out. We were to get some take out and tackle the hall/stairway with taking the stucco off and maybe fixing some of the drywall in the dinning room if time and energy warrented. He arrived late.... Wasn't completely dressed for "work" mind you.... I let him in - this was our first time meeting face to face though we've talked a lot over the phone and online. I went to show him around - showed him the downstairs and what I had done already and what needed to be done. Then he started leading himself up stairs. No real reason to be up there - but I followed anyway.... though not feeling too comfortable about it.... Get upstairs and show him the bedrooms and what I had done with them so far - and he walked into my room. I was still taking classes back home - about an hour and a half away - and was only up for the long weekend (columbus day) so I had all my books with me. I had noticed one of my text books was about to fall between my bed and the wall and so I climbed on my bed to reach for it cuz I'd be in trouble if I forgot it when I traveled back home the next day. When I started to back up off of my bed he came up behind me, grabbed me, holding me from the waist with his arms wrapped around me as he pulled me into his crotch. He rubbed himself hard into me and before I knew it, he had my arms pinned and my pants down, and was on top of me entering me from behind... It hurt so bad! I couldn't move.... I couldn't breathe... I couldn't speak.... I felt like it was entirely my fault. I shouldn't have let him in - and I should have stopped him from going upstairs... I shouldn't have gone across my bed like that.... I should have just waited.... I just felt paralyzed and couldn't believe this was happening AGAIN.... After he left his "deposit" as he called it on my face and body as if marking his trophy property..... He left.... His profile was deleted after that - and I could never find anyone by the name he gave me.... I didn't think police would believe me.... so again I shoved it deep inside and kept it silent for a long time....
Then.... came my ex.... the most sadistic piece of shit on the planet.... He was every ounce of abusive - physical... emotional... mental.... sexual.... financial.... you name it.... I had a child with him - he first attacked me physically during my pregnancy... My son was born prematurely due to stress and trauma complications. He was bipolar on top of it - and very high sex drive. He wanted it every day multiple times a day and he was going to get it no matter what when he wanted and how he wanted.... Regardless if I said no.... by this point, the manipulation and head games he pulled I felt powerless.... I still feel him on top of me.... still feel the sweat as it drips down on me.... I still see his face when I close my eyes.... I still feel him trying to enter me from behind.... I still smell him.... hear his voice.... But, "who would believe me? We're in a relationship together".... There's more.... much more about him.... but the point is - I still find myself wanting to be raped or wishing to be raped again.... And I think we figured it out in therapy last week why I do... I think its because if I "want it" or "accept it" - then its my way of controlling an uncontrollable situation. I'm able to have control that way if I want it or wish it to happen....
I don't want the act to happen again - but I just wish I had a piece of control of my life and the event back again....
Hi. I just wanted to say that this has been one of the most disturbing things i have read so far, and at the same time an extraordinary manifest of bravery and strengt.. I am so sorry you've been put through all of that, and that also goes to the original poster and all the other people who had to go through something like that... I'm very happy to hear your therapy is helping you.I'm sure I don't have to tell you how brave and strong you are, and how none of it is your fault. I just wanted to say I support you with all my heart and wish you all the best.
I apologize for sounding so generic, but when you have been traumatized ANYTHING you feel is normal and acceptable. It only looks "weird" to people who have not been there. Every person's recovery process and healing journey is totally unique. I do hope you're getting empathy and your support. Sending you good, strong vibes.
Hey, thanks for this.:) sometimes I feel like I'm really losing my mind about this and noone really around me understands
Okay so everything has gotten worse now like I had a nightmare of being hurt when I move and what I would do and its really freaking me out.
Hey, you are safe, where you are, right now.
It sounds like you are having a flashback, and you are not in that situation anymore, although the emotions you are feeling from the flashback are valid and real.But please try to root yourself to where you are now, in the future. Maybe try some grounding exercises? Deep breathing in sync with this animation mayhelp.I find that counting how many things that have changed since the traumatic event has helped me find solace, no matter how much I wish something different happened during it. Things have changed, I'm not there anymore.
This is a guide on what to do during a flashback. Maybe you will find a tip that would help you.
I'm sending you positive vibes. You can get through this.
It doesn't sound disgusting! It sounds perfectly reasonable. I'm sorry the police don't believe you. But have they investigated? Asked the man? Are they even doing their job? I'm really sorry this happened to you by the way. NO ONE, and I mean no one, deserves to be raped. I wouldn't even want my very worst enemy to be raped!
They said I lied. Didn't even talk to him or test the kit I had to do
I'm not sure if I can relate but sometimes I wish I was being raped. It's the thrilling feeling that turns me on and makes me want it. I play bout scenes where he pushes me up against the wall and roughs me up. It's a sexual fantasy for me but I just don't want it to be someone with an std or something. It's weird I know.
Sorry, reading this was very triggering...
I don't think going through child sexual abuse is similar to rape fantasies as an adult. The type of "hoping the rape happens again so it would have been different this time around" is very different than "hoping it happens because it is a secret fantasy turns me on". It doesn't turn me on when it happens for me...it's terrifying. I did not have sexual urges at that age, and I don't think OP dideither, at age 6. Idon't think I would find horrible flashbacks arousing, unless it was (on the very very low chance) some way my brain was trying to justify the immense trauma of it--acoping mechanism of sorts.
I know you are trying to relate but I'm not sure if this was a good way to go about it.
HelloCae,
I am absolutely sorry for the horrible flashbacks that you have, I can relate to your intense suffering.I hope you will find a way to heal, I knowEMDRtherapy helped me a lot to overcome emotional and physical flashbacks.
About the subject of this thread, so many different cases can happen, and also considering that we are all different, I can easily imagine that, as you said, someone could be aroused bythe fantasy of "reliving" the rape(s), using that fantasy as a coping mecanism. I see nothing shameful in that as it is a desperate try of the mind to survive to an overwhelming situation that was beyond understanding at the time. To me, rape is equivalent to facing death, and I mean it.
I will give you an exampleof a situation(but there are probably much more) in which I think it is possible for someone to feel that need to be raped again, and to even feel aroused by the fantasy of it:
*TRIGGER WARNING*
Sometimes a child, teenager or adult who israped can have his/her body react to the agressionby feeling pleasure while the horror is happening. This is a pure body reflex but the pleasure is there non the less. In that case it can lead to a so overwhelming confusion (being raped but feeling pleasure) that the mind literally split in 2 parts to just survive the situation: one part will later have terrible flashbacks, while the "other" part will fantasy about the rape. Of course, that leads to a tremendous conflict in the mind, so much guilt and shame etc (I am summarizing a lot).
*END OF TRIGGER*
I wrote that to explain that according to me, our own life experiences and the understanding we got from themhavenot to be generalized to others, they just can help us understand others in a compassionate way. Sexual abuse (not only rape) is one of the most horrible situation one can live, and the worst thing is that most of the time, the abused person takes for himself/herself the guilt that the abuser should feel.
I wonder if what I wrote makes sense for any of you. I humbly ask you to forgive me if I hurt you in any way with my words, as I know how sensitive some of us can be.
Wishing you the very best on your healing path.
Gilles
Hi there, my name is Sierra, and going through this thread, I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I was in a incredibly abusive relationship- my first one ever, actually- from when I was 14 till I was 18. I often questioned why I was constantly thinking about the rape, the beatings, the emotional manipulation to satisfy what he wanted.
I thought I was crazy for imagining my current boyfriend hitting me or assaulting me; that in a way, the idea was comforting. I thought maybe because I had these thoughts, maybe the rape and everything else wasn't truly legitimate, that it didn'thappen the way I remember it to. But this has given me a lot of hope. Sometimes I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around everything that happened....