Been unpacking stuff but I'm not sure how to proceed. Stuck in a rut. 19 yo.
As a young teen... I got pretty involved in nsfw spaces online. Especially when I got involved in NSFW roleplay. I regret it to this day. The first one was at 14... but then I was able to drop it and carry on with my life. It wasn't until I turned 15 that I began exploring these spaces deeper. I was having conversations I should not have been having, and engaging in activities and with people I had no business being involved with. There were several times that I was sent *** and nsfw footage by grown people, there were several times that I was manipulated, and one instance where - although it was a somewhat brief timespan - I would say that I was being groomed, looking back on it. The worst thing I did personally that took place during this time was, when I was 17 years old, I catfished someone - albeit for a day - using the pictures of a friend. It was at this time that I was kinda awoken to the rut I was in; this stuff wasn't just a game, but sincerely damaging. I'm 19 now, and I've been trying hard to make things right and improve myself. I see what a heinous person I used to be, and for the last year I've been really trying to reverse these bad patterns. I've been trying to cull down my involvement with pornography and the enjoyment I get from it (ironically, I identify as an asexual. I don't really feel any kind of 'attraction', it's just partly an escape and partly nostalgia - something I was once used to, I guess.) There's some aspects of my life that I feel like I've grown in, and others that I haven't. There have been times when I've been tempted into going back into these spaces... but I get about as far as making the account then deleting it. I hate myself for even going that far. It just scares me - I've come far in this last year, but not far enough I feel like. I'm almost twenty - no longer a teenager - and Im still struggling with this. I'm trying to grow - but I feel that I'm at a point where I'm hitting a wall. I feel like an awful, horrible person - first for having catfished someone; for going into these spaces and meddling in them, and also for engaging with people who were sending these things and manipulating me. My question is, it is okay that I'm still growing and trying to detach myself from this toxic stuff? How can I continue growing as a person in a practical sense? I have no access to a counselor at the moment, though once college begins I hope to. What can I do? It scares me. I want to be a good child to my parents, a good sibling, grandchild... people tell me all the time how they've learned something from me, or how kind they think I am, and I cringe - because they don't know these things I've done. I've been up this last week pretty much having panic attacks nightly because of this. I just don't know what to do. I just want to be a good person - to grow as far away from this person as I can.
@modestBike489
First off, thank you so much for having the courage to share your struggles here.
It's difficult to admit, but as a teenager, I struggled with a lot of what you shared as well. I know first-hand how hard it is to try and move away or give up these old habits.
The first step to changing is realizing what's wrong and what's right. I'm so proud of you for having taken this step. It sounds like you're genuinely trying hard to control the urges to go back to those spaces or watch stuff. That's no easy feat.
In answer to your question, yes, it's okay that you're still struggling and trying to give up these habits even as an adult. Our brain doesn't mature until we're older and teenagers find it harder to control their thoughts and the urge to stop.
The way I grew as a person in a practical was by monitoring my activity. I wish there were a magical easier way around all this but there isn't.. Some days, you might not even think about all that at all. And other days, the urges will be strong and difficult to resist. All of thats okay and it's part of the journey to changing.
If you feel that counseling may help, I hope you get access to that soon.
One thing I noticed was what you mentioned about everyone saying good stuff to you and looking up to you as a role model. The urges to go back or watch stuff are not You. The real you lies in those comments made by your loved ones and I hope one day, when you're past all this, you'll realize that.
Take care~Sierra
