CPTSD and relationship issues
Hi I'm MJ, new here. I am really struggling today. I am in AA and ACA (mostly ACA due to AA's abusive shaming and religious dialog.) I had a couple friends in the program, we went back and forth, push and pull. I did the pushing away. They would let me go. So for months now, I started to stop making the effort and in return my phone has been completely silent. Anyway, I was looking for a speaker for the meeting and I asked the one friend who doesn't talk to me, he suggested someone for me, so I asked him if he could ask her for me and he told me to ask her myself. So I wasnt going to argue, I told him fine give her my number. (I already knew her) So she asked if she could sleep over due to it being later at night and living further away and work in the morning. So we had a good time last night, I can't remember the last time someone hing out with me. However her talk, sensitive subjects is always very triggering for me and I forgot that's one of the reasons I stopped talking to her. Plus I have a feeling she likes me because she is a sex addict and that talk was also disturbing. So now, she wants to get together again, I couldn't say no. I hope she's too busy to hang out again. So now I feel scared, unsafe and extremely low and ashamed. I feel trapped and just wanna shut myself off from the world.
@cptsdjourney
That sounds like a super tough experience. I've gone through periods where I don't really talk to many people and then end up reconnecting with someone just to remember part of why we don't talk.
Is it someone you think would be receptive to a conversation about boundaries and would be open minded if you told them that certain things they talk about is really triggering?
I know it's so hard to do, but you don't deserve to be repeatedly triggered or feeling trapped in a friendship that doesn't feel right to you. Often when we're feeling the way you described it's an internal warning sign that something isn't the best for us and as hard as it is, I try to listen to that nudge/feeling because I've realized my own sanity and safety has to be important to me because no one else is going to keep me safe.
@cptsdjourney