CPTSD from childhood
Hi, I’m a 27-year-old male survivor of childhood trauma. This is my first time posting here.
When I was around five, something happened with my mother that I didn’t understand at the time. I didn’t realize it was wrong — I was just confused. I remember being in her bed, looking into her eyes, and then everything going black. I even drew the memory in kindergarten, and my teacher noticed, but my mother told them it was just a dream. I’ve carried that confusion and memory for decades.
As an adult, I’ve noticed patterns in my relationships that echo that childhood experience. I tend to trust people quickly when they show interest, but I often get hurt, abandoned, or ghosted after intimacy or closeness. Even when things start well, it usually ends with the other person drifting away, leaving me feeling deeply betrayed and alone. I can have fulfilling connections at first, but my trust and vulnerability seem to make me a target for people who aren’t willing to stick around.
This makes the trauma feel alive again — the same feelings of abandonment, confusion, and despair I had as a child return in full force. Tonight, it’s especially overwhelming, and I feel completely ruined, exhausted, and hopeless.
I’m looking for understanding, validation, and maybe advice on coping with these waves of memories and the way they affect my relationships. I just need to feel heard and less alone right now.
I'm completely falling part at the seams and my core, I can't focus at work and barely hold it together. I feel as if I'm a machine that serves others, yet my gears have become rusted to the point of catastrophic failure. These relationships have only made the wounds deeper and far worse, it feels as if I only exist on the heights of despair. I feel so completely broken, so damaged and ruined. It feels as if my entire life was only to pay for the sins of my father and mother and nothing else. I've been nothing but alone even around others, nobody knows my pain because I only smile and joke. I don't understand why this life, this world chose to give me struggle to this extent. I can't take getting hurt again, I really can't.
@kindEyes2070
Hey, thank you for trusting us with this. 🌿
What you went through as a kid sounds incredibly confusing and painful, and it makes total sense that those old wounds get stirred up when people you trust end up hurting or drifting away. You’ve survived things most people never even have to think about, and that strength is still there, even if it’s buried under everything you’re feeling right now.
And you don’t have to carry all of this in silence. There are a lot of people here, listeners and others in the community, who are here with you and are ready to talk when things feel this heavy.
@colorfulPanda8664 Thank you, I'm finally past the flare up, although I seem to be a bit reactive, angry. The person who caused me to kinda spiral in the first place started harassing me even online so Ive been rather closed off and hotheaded recently. Just in a really weirdly bad place in life recently.
I'm familiar with trauma even though mine was in adulthood. It's left me very sensitive to abandonment issues and when someone does appear in my life I come on way too strong and drive them away. I think we'd be able to relate to one another and I'm here for you if you want to talk. In the last few years I've learned some coping skills and insights so maybe I can be of help to you. Feel free to message me if you'd like.
@fairmindedCucumber3571 Thank you, trying to just get my head on straight with everything recently, I'll definitely take you up on that in the coming days. Trying to turn my life around finally so, I appreciate it.