Conflicted Feelings and Trauma
My mother emotionally and verbally abused me. She didn't mean to for the longest time, but then she intentionally did when I came out to her. For a month and a half, she accused me of abandoning her, threatened to kick me out/cut me off from my siblings, and so much more. I eventually moved out and have been on my own for the last month.
She called me crying this week saying that she was sorry for hurting me, said that she'd be ok if I have a girlfriend one day, and that she respects the boundaries that I've made (but just three days before she had said I was abandoning the family by not letting her and the rest of my family come over. She said a lot of hurtful and emotionally abusive things)
Now, while I know that she's trying, I keep having nightmares of her hurting me and accusing me of thise horrible things. I also keep hallucinating and seeing/hearing things that aren't there. I'm wide awake at night because my brain won't stop running. I also have irrational thoughts that I know aren't reasonable or sensible, but I still believe them. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my mental illness is acting up, if I'm getting worse, or if this is PTSD. I'm scared of her and my own mind now.
Sorry to hear you coming out has been so difficult. If your mother her behaviour was abusive before then it's probably good that you have moved out and have set some boundaries.
It can be very stressful when a parent tries to put so much pressure on you. At some point you may want to work on your relationship, but you just stepped out into a very vulnerable position. If it were me, I would focus on myself first and give your mom a little time to adjust. It doesn't mean the relationship is over, but when she sees you're fine on your own you can meet her later on more equal footing.
What worries me is that you're hallucinating. Seeing and hearing things that aren't there is not a common symptom of PTSD. So I would talk to my doctor about it. It's the type of problem that you want to catch early.
Also, do you have people to fall back on during this difficult period? Friends or family members? There's a lot of support in the gay community if you look for it. Not only for a kind ear but also for practical things. Many of us have gone through a difficult time and found help in the community. Many of us have been where you are and are in a better place now. We get it, so don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hope things will get better soon.