Cycles of PTSD

Spent some time with my coloring book and trying to calm down after yesterday. (thanks 7cups that was a realxation tip I got from here)

The anger, it is still there simmering underneath the surface. Why did I take the comments personal, I should know better. I have to learn that their intention is not to hurt but rather to help. A lot of people do not know what to say and so they just say whatever comes to mind thinking it might be helpful. This is part of why I do not like to open up, I feel like I have to only say things that people can easily handle, and I have to say it in such a way that most people can just give a very benign response. That makes me feel manipulative and like a liar. Like not too long ago I had a flashback at work, and used the excuse of strong nausea as to why I had to leave the room. People can relate to nausea, I do not have to share difficult stuff, but I just lied.

Last night was nightmare after nightmare. I am exhausted this morning. I wish my body and my mind would respond a little less intense each time I had the same nightmare just like desensitivity training.

I have been feeling a heaviness on my spirit; that is the best way to describe it. Then I realized it is just a month away September 11th. I get like this every year but now I can identify it. I hate that they will start showing it all ofver the TV the planes, people running its 15 years and I hate this feeling. I like staying close to home around my family. I will pray for this to pass.

I am feeling so scared of this counseling decision I made. If I am this scared does that not mean I have made a mistake? My stomach is all upset and my chest feel so tight that I have to consciuosly make myself take some deep breaths. I am not scared of the counseling place, I am a little nervous about meeting the counselor, and I am terrified of the whole idea of counseling. I am so afraid of things not working, what if the nightmares and flashbacks just get worse, what am I to do then? Will I lose my job if I have more flashbacks at work, I am not sure I can handle all the memories and emotions all at once, am I even safe then? I don't have an answer and I don't have a plan for if that happens. I am feeling really scared these days.

I am just hanging in there today - doing my routines - get up, go to work. I feel like that is all I can handle today. There are too many emotions in regards to counseling and how I am doing right now.

So nervous about the counseling appointment today - I feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest. I am as shaky as if I had drank a whole pot of strong coffee. I hope it goes well and that all my fears are proved wrong.

The first meeting with a counselor went well, it was not as scary as I had thought. I was most certainly nervous and I am glad I had brought a list with me of what I wanted to accomplish with therapy because when asked the question I felt like I couldnt remember much.

The counselor was calm and I did not feel pushed or rushed and I left the office feeling like I had been given some hope. I was also told that it could get worse but only for a short time while we go through tough stuff.

It was most certainly exhausting because I had so much anxiety built up before hand.

First thing first - I am going to work on my existing coping skills and grounding skills so they can get effective again. I was told one of the ways to do that is by adding layers onto what I already do.

I have to remin d myself that the grounding skills are not expected to work on the first try. It takes practice. I get my hopes up and when something does not work I get so diappointed that I have to remind myself not to give up but keep practicing. I feel extremely exhausted today after a night with very restless sleep. Counseling is not a magic thing but right now I wish it was.

It feels difficult to retain the hope I felt Monday after leaving counseling. When you have a lack of sleep everything is so much harder to focus on. It takes a lot to gather your energy to do small tasks. It is back to struggling again. What a roller coaster ride - but what goes down must come up. I just got to keep holding on, I am working on it, I am not passive, it will get better, I can get through today.

trying to come up with some positive affirmations and I am continuing to work on grounding skills, but it can feel a little empty, when you don't feel it is true what you write down as an affirmation. I feel a little better than yesterday. Last night I got almost a full night's sleep, it was wonderful.