Every summer

the summer of the year I turned 11 was perhaps the fatal end of my childhood. It’s the summer I met a 16 year old boy that i will address as “M”. “M” was the most beautiful boy my prepubescent self had ever seen. I was enthralled by him, he was my friend I suppose we met through mutual friends and at first he seemed like the perfect big brother to all of us.

until he groomed me, abused me emotionally and sexually throughout the course of 3-4 months before I blocked him out of my life forever. He’s out of my life now, but there’s so much that happened. Drunk nights where he’d yell, times he’d tell me explicit sexual experiences of his, unending insults, predatory jokes and name calling, patronising and bullying. So much more.

the trauma I faced after was undeniably the hardest thing I’d ever gone through. From panic attacks, to therapists, from anxiety attacks at the school counsellors office to antidepressant. Ranging from losing friends and gaining mass abandonment and attachment issues. Nightmares, sleep paralysis, insomnia at times. addiction to explicit sexual content due to his influence, skipping school, failing classes, relapsing, flashbacks a type of Stockholm syndrome I developed for a span of 6 months before I broke out of it. all that’s in the book

things started to get better after I turned 13, by then I had lost nearly all my friends; my grades were the worst, and I still had unspeakable trauma to Stil surpass. I stopped going to therapy when I turned 14, mostly because it was too expensive. I still get repeated dreams of “M” his face, his hoodies, his accent and his words, sometimes it’s tied to things in my current stage of life that’s haunting me. every June, I remember that this time a few years ago I lost everything; and I was never the same again.

there were many ripe things from my childhood innocence that were kept safe, I didn’t lose myself, if anything, I kept myself and my childhood treasures safe in a little tent, far away from all that was harrowing me.

i often recall all that happened, I smile sometimes and other times I tear up. Whatever my reaction may be I know I’m safe now. Though definitely better, still have a long narrow way to go, depression and anxiety are still outgrowing in me for many different reasons and experiences, I know I’m strong enough to make it.

thank you.