Having problems with the process of making art as a PTSD trigger.

Hey, new member, new individual on this website. I'm posting because I'm a little bit... at my wit's end with this specific problem. It's a topic I once was going to therapy for as I actually have the bulk of a lot of my triggers and particular neuroticisms under wrap, but this is the one area I've never been able to reclaim.

The very short and not oversharing context lies in that I've had a wide range of experiences relevant to my art both from a home life and a social perspective that have resulted in some. Pretty awful things. I find that when I try to do art, my brain, unlike nearly every other friend of mine who has been through extremely similar traumatic experiences even relevant and related to their art, consistently gets so steeped up in the recreation and re-experiencing of those instances that my self-confidence plummets, my sense of self and any work I've done on myself seems moot, and art, often, seems to be this backslide downwards.

Every single time I ever try to find discussion on art and its relationship with trauma, I find that it's this discussion of how art helps people move through trauma and process it, and maybe I still have more to process, but in a day-to-day and even personal level, I feel incredibly sound and confident both talking on these instances, advising others, and moving forward with my life. Until I start drawing. It's to about a 75% rate that my brain will just... spiral when I draw. And a part of me maybe just. Wants to know if anyone else has experienced this. I'm so grateful to have a lot of peers and even, when I could afford it, therapy to help me through the bulk of my issues, but this specific issue has been the one that's been eating me alive.

It's like the last thing I've never been able to address. I don't believe there is a such thing as becoming the person you once were, but in becoming who you are now, owning it, and accepting that. And I think I do successfully live with those ideals. I can't... I don't know if I can stand the idea anymore that art's been lost to me though. I try so much, I try to draw, I've tried in different rooms, different mediums, with different music, with different goals, both vent art and purely simple drawings, and it just keeps devolving to the same point. The moment I get to this particular "mental space" where I'm in a somewhat zone-out, it all just explodes into my head, is particularly upsetting and as if I'm reliving it, and it just makes the entire process so miserable. For so many people, art seems to be the way to either process or escape those problems, but for me, every time I return to art, it's like I'm reliving it all over again.

So... whether it's a simple "Hey, me too." or it's advice? Honestly. Anything would be welcome.