How do you deal with someone who cares about and loves the person who caused your trauma?
How do you deal with a parent (or anyone that you have to be around on a daily basis) that constantly defends, excuses, and now grieves the person who caused your trauma?
Just in case I'll put a *TW//death of a relative* but here's some context:
My grandfather is dying. He also, along with his wife (my nana), are the sources of my deeply repressed childhood psychological trauma that has since turned into CPTSD, an anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. He's back in the hospital and it isn't looking good. My dad telling me about it isn't the part that makes me so furious, though: it's the way he said it. He said it with such an upset tone, and like it's something I should be upset about too because it's my grandfather. Yes it's his dad, but two days ago I thoroughly explained what trauma is, what CPTSD is, and how the way my grandparents treated me caused me to develop both, along with the constant 13 year uphill battle with two other mental illnesses that have left me unable to work and support myself. My parents constantly disregard or do not value what I say but will pretend to, so I'm not surprised, but it makes me feel completely overwhelmed with the same anger I feel when thinking about my trauma.
If anyone has any experience with this and/or advice, thank you in advance.
@sophie0starlight
they are not wanting to face it and may have suffered some of what you may have went through in their way. but they seem to not want to face what you went through and don't want to face how real, devastating, life altering it is, just how serious it all is and how it affects you now and for the rest of your entire life. this is the denial part I am talking about--but it is more than that. It is their avoidance of it all also, so much so that they are doing this at all costs at the other extreme. I know how much this only more upsets you inside, is so confusing as to why they even act this way, behave this way, and so on. It seems to be a pattern of abuse that has been carried down from your grandparents and gone through each generation in its own way. I know I don't know the details, but this is what I am picking up on and it can differ a bit from each generation and how things go on. sometimes each has the things they go through and have to bear and some have more to deal with than others. I am very sorry for what you have gone through. Please know that you have to deal with what you have to deal with that you have gone through, no matter what anyone else is doing, saying, or feeling, right or wrong. It is how you feel, how you choose to deal with how you feel inside, and what you choose to do for yourself from her on out. you know you cannot depend on any of them or expect them to be a certain way. You will need to figure out what you want and need and what is best for YOU. this will take a lot of work and many steps forward and backward. but you are worth it and you matter. learn you matter. they will go on doing whatever wrong they choose, but you can choose what you want from this day forward for yourself. you have this right and you can choose what is good for yourself and what will help you. others may not choose that if it were left up to them; so, learn that you can trust in yourself to make your own decision in your own best interests. sure, other friends will hopefully be there by your side along the way, those you choose to be in your life that will be supportive of you, understanding of you, and helful. you can choose these friends and support people. You and they can support each other along the way and it will be great!!!!
@IcedCoffee211109
Thank you so much, you validated a lot of things that I'm aware of and you're 100% correct. I think it's just so much more difficult because I'm forced to live with my parents still so it's a constant revictimizing and triggering cycle. I think it just feels worse now because they know and still nothing changes. With the help of my therapist I'm trying to stick up for myself more. Thank you again for such kind words, being a victim of trauma is brand new to me so I don't really know what to do with that information or feel about it yet, but finding this support group was definitely a great first step❤️
@sophie0starlight
sophie, it will for sure take time for things to sink in. then it will take a lot of time to change how you think. that is a big part to the change process and pretty hard. but it is important to get that part right and get it down good so it will stick with you, even if it takes quite a while. to move on in a good way and path, you will need the change in thoughts and this will help you in the change in your path for you and this will hopefully include so much that will benefit you in lots of your life down the road. I hope things can work out for you, sophie, in the more current times and down the road as time goes on. Hugs sophie.