How has your trauma been affecting you lately?

@mytwistedsoul I was a bit worried that maybe I was being too harsh on current BF -- since technically it's not his responsibility to save me...we've been dating for about 8 months, so I wonder if I'm pushing to hard? We're older (30s) and I'm just wanting to settle down, but also trying to be wary if I'm going too fast, as it didn't work out in my past relationships... When he promised me he would get a 2bd apartment ASAP once he received his CDL license, I did lax up a bit and didn't worry as much...But yeah, once I asked him again about the apartment searches, he just went "I'm not looking right now" and "I need to get my endorsements first"...So...I went OK, when are you doing that? "I'll get there when I get there" was how he responded...I had a recent-ish talk with him about how dire my situation was, and he's NOW getting his endorsements, but before, things just kept coming out (ex. "My parents want me to watch the house when the pool guy comes. My parents want me to pick up nephew from school. My mother passed out from alcohol and I had to take her to the hospital, then my dad wanted me to drive and get her clothes"). I don't doubt that he did these things, but I'm slightly...frustrated? He keeps claiming that his family is SUPER abusive and toxic and how he wants to leave, but then when I question him on why he doesn't just live alone, he says he needs to "protect his nephew", so he can't...but then he turns around and calls his nephew a "brat" and feels done with him? His nephew's mother (BF's sister) is a drug addict and alcoholic as well, very violent and dangerous. She has been in the home and has held her son hostage in a locked room before. I keep telling my BF to report her to CPS and get her locked away. Even if nephew is a "brat" (he's only 6y.o or 7y.o.!!), he still needs help. And if his parents are abusive alcoholics, then nephew isn't going to be safe regardless...He said his mother slapped him before after nephew slapped his grandma on the butt so BF had to step in but like...Just call the cops? Document? My BF claims that his parents have mellowed out with age and aren't as bad anymore...His dad doesn't physically hurt his nephew, but his dad used to beat BF with a bat as a child and punch/kick him, and bruised him in hidden spots so the school wouldn't see it...his dad was an ex boxer and beat my BF up...until BF became bigger and stronger than his father, so he no longer can do that to him.

Sorry, I'm venting... I had to deal with child protective services with my child when I called the cops on son's alcoholic father (who is my ex-fiancé). CPS felt I was not a safe person, and believed that I would allow my abusive ex-fiancé back into my life and wanted to make sure son was 100% safe. Son ended up living with paternal aunt (ex's older sister) temporarily for a year and she was told me the ONLY reason she took him in is so she can write him on taxes(which I was able to report and take my money back on that...She used to steal my son's toys and clothes and give it to her daughter, who is a year older than him. Her daughter bullied him a lot). I would find son with scabs and bruises when I had visitations, and I reported it to the child protective services and notated that stuff with case aides with pictures, but they didn't take me seriously...and CPS said if I didn't like it, they'll just throw son into foster care -- which is scary, because the foster care system is WORSE in my country...it just sucked so much trying to protect him...my ex had less visitation rights than me due to his physical abuse to me, but his sister would allow him sneak visits, so he at least (sort of) was able to protect son from his crazy sister and brother-in-law. My son is not fond of his aunt, or female cousin nor aunt's husband. He seemed legitimately frightened of them...I want to put him in therapy, but he doesn't speak much and is in speech therapy, plus diagnosed with autism. I wish I could do more for him and I feel awful... I want to be the best parent I can be, and I let him down for staying with his dad for too long (3-4 years). I was scared of his dad, and he would threaten me each time I tried to leave, saying that the cops would take son away...I tried to get him into rehab and we did couple's counselling, but nothing worked and he became more and more violent.

So...yeah...I have some major trust issues...I'm questioning a bit of my relationship with BF. He'll say he wants to help me (and he has! He has bought me furniture, cooked for me, drove 2 hours down from where he lives to where I was when I spotted my ex-fiancé at my location since I was scared, and has helped me with rent when I had to call off work a couple of times due to illness), but this time...He has been dragging his feet a bit. I think since he never lived on his own for 30+ years, he has some trepidation. I think it might be best if we DON'T live together. I don't want to be that person to constantly push someone somewhere if that's not where they want to be and then they'll have resentment for me for pushing them too hard. I have many goals, ambitions, dreams. I won't sit idly by and let life pass by me...My BF has been upset that after his car accident (he's healed now) that he gained so much weight(in his words, he keeps falling himself "fat" and "gross" and it's upsetting to hear...I think he's handsome and amazing, but he puts himself down too much. I'll support him on his health journey -- as I am trying to recover too. I just feel sad to hear the self-defeating talk) and became MORE depressed, especially since he lives with his (abusive) parents.

Just wondering how to talk about him about my feelings without pointing fingers or making him feel bad. I'm going to try using "I statements" but...I feel that it really isn't his responsibility to help me, as...it seems like he's not 100% ready to move out of his parents...so idk...We're not married either (yet) and only dated for 8months, while being away from each other physically for 5 months (his car needs repair, he can't afford it, I live 2 hours away from him).  We talk on the phone everyday but it's not the same seeing each other in person...We used to see each other every weekend just about, even when I was working (I had the ability to work from home and even worked part time).

Gosh lol, I turn this post more into a relationship one... I need therapy... 😅and probably going to go to the DV support groups again, I need to make sure I'm not missing any red flags and also making sure that I am putting (healthy) boundaries.

Again, thank you for listening, and apologies for the long ramble. I feel embarrassed airing out my relationship woes tbh.