I hate PTSD
I had to clean the men's restroom at work today. It's not something I have to do often because i usually work with males who will take care of it. I had a different shift today and it was only females. My coworker asked if I would take care of men's and I really should have said no but i feel badly because this coworker has to take care of it often. Being in the men's restrooom is in itself a trigger but I can normally handle it ok. I put the closed signs out and block the door with the trash can so no one can get in. I was already pretty on edge today, not even sure why but then while I was standing close by someone tried to push past. I put my foot against the trash can and thankfully they stopped. I then spent five minutes trying it calm myself down, remind myself I was safe and all that jazz. I was somewhat composed but feeling a bit stupid for being triggered so easily and as soon as I got up to the front my boss asked me to follow her. I missed a couple of things in the showers when I cleaned them, aka I left a bar of soap in the corner basket thing and there was a smear in the toliet. My boss isn't really the friendliest of people and I'm inclined to say she didn't mean to come off as harshly as she did, she said "You know it looks really bad and is embarrassing when we give someone a shower and they come back and say its dirty, its not even that difficult to get it done right" I apoligized and said I'd get it done right. then proceeded to nearly lose it to tears. If it hadn't been directly after being triggered I probably would have been ok. however i spiralled into the "I can't do anything right, I'm a stupid <edited for language - KristenHR> mindset" I punched the wall repeatedly to calm down, pain is the fastest way to get there. I'm not entirely sure if my knuckle is just bruised or if I broke it. I managed to get through the rest of my shift almost robotically. I feel stupid for today. I know that I have PTSD and that there will be times that it gets triggered but today I feel like I should be 'better' and that I'm pathetic for being triggered. idk, it just hasn't been a good day.
@SuperWhoLock1988
Super, I'm so glad you posted. I'm so sorry that you were triggered on the job. I'm so glad you posted here. We all make mistakes, even when not triggered. You do the best you can in each situation. Any way we can support you today in addition to listening that would help? It sounds like you're a great worker.
@KristenHR
thank you for replying.
Just having some one listen to me helps a lot. I don't get that much in RL. I have my therapist of course and she's really awesome and has helped me come a long way but idk i guess sometimes i just want someone else to truly know whats going on with me instead of the happy shiny person that everyone sees. The good thing is my knuckle is ok, a little bruised but definetly not broken. Today has been a beeter day. I got to hang out with my baby brother who's 21 and we don't get to just sit and talk to each other much. But even he doesn't know my struggles. I guess in part because I've always taken care of him and he is stuck living with our parents for the time being. Anyway sorry if Im complaining too much and that you had to edit my post. I didn't mean to do something wrong.
@SuperWhoLock1988
You're not complaining - you're doing well to be able to share as you are. You keep talking as much as you need to. You're not alone here. You need and want support just like the rest of us here. We aren't meant to live on islands, though some days we would love to have an island to escape to.