I lost the life I never had

Hi, I knew i had a rough childhood but so much of it was confusing and I was only ever given vague answers and attacks on my self esteem if I asked questions. When I was young my mom insisted I was bipolar like her. As I got older, I thought perhaps autism spectrum considering I dont really act out and im introverted but extremely intelligent. I thought maybe dna could be the answer, mthfr or warrior genes. Could it be my diet and food sensitivities I wondered. I searched high and low to blame everything and everyone for my failure to be enough, to be accepted. I felt maybe id done something or was something bad to never have anyone care. I try so hard. And then, I realized it was time to know the secret my parents buried from my childhood. I got the decades old report and learned I was severely abused by my parents between the ages of 1 and 3. It wouldnt have stopped except when I learned to talk well enough I told. I somehow got the law involved and my father went to jail. My testimony is so brave. Especially because, I was the only witness. Thats right. I was the only person working with the attorney for my protection. My mother, grandmother, aunt all wrote letters supporting my abuser. The excuses they gave for my abuse and diminishing my value as a person were heartbreaking. After the courts protected me, I still had to live with my mother. Until a few days ago I believed maybe something was wrong with me. But after reading her testimony, she shamed a three year old and only reported because she was jealous. Reading that was like waking up to a lifetime of actual abuse from most people I formerly thought of as family. 

I did run away at 15, street kid in the 90s. I may have been saved by punk rock my friends. I guess becoming stronger than the trauma, which is what I think just happened to me, is flooding my mind with everything I pretended wasn't trauma just to keep going. It feels like I was kidnapped as a child and lived some horrible bad life and wondering who I am really. All I can say I understand is that I did an unimaginably brave thing when I was three years old. I cant believe ive spent my whole life holding that brave three year old in my heart. Sometimes scolding and doubting her. But she is an angel and I am her and even though my life has been nuts. I am so proud to know that I am that little girl. She deserves so much love and care.