I need help.

When I was 11 I was groomed by a 16 year old for months, he used to drink and snap at me through text, he used to make inappropriate comments towards me, make me call him sexual names and he also used to control the boys I talk to due to his jealousy, he said he would date me and I was his “fifth” choice in a list full of girls and boys his age.

he used to mentally abuse and insult me, belittle me and lie and gaslight to anyone who suspected or heard anything about his abuse or treatment towards me.

here I am 3 years later and I’m “in love” with him, I lost contact with him about a year ago. But for some reason, I love him? I’m sure I don’t but I don’t know what exactly I’m experiencing, I miss him everyday? I picture a future for us? I don’t know what’s happening with me and I’m really scared. Am I really in love with my abuser? What if I’m just being dramatic? I’ve gone through years of trauma because of this, with many addictions, side effects and mental health issues. All the way from sh, attempted suicides and sleep issues, friendship problems and panic attack disorders.

i miss him, a lot and I have this belief that he’s my forever, my soulmate and sometimes I find myself wanting him to come back and wanting to take all the pain to see him again, but every time I see old messages or memories of the stuff he’s said and done, I feel disgusted and sometimes I break out of this “I love you” mentality, but I’m always back hours or a day later.

please help, what am I experiencing? How can I stop I’m only 14 and he’s 19 already, help.