Nightmares

Hello all,

This is my first time being apart of a forum such as this. But I’m here because I feel I have limited options.

I am a Sexual Assault Survivor. Although how alive? I couldn’t say! He was my neighbor, twice my age plus some. He sat and watched as I got painfully drunk. He didn’t help me when I got alcohol poisoning that night. Instead, he took full advantage.

Due to my career I am very hesitant to seek counseling. The state took over my case and he is facing charges. However, we’re only 5 months into what could be a year plus long case.

I am fully aware that what I am feeling is situational, it is directly related to this event. I thought I could just move on forget about it the best I could, and as a defense, use humor to laugh my way through. The panic attacks stopped, the anxiety is minimal.. I thought everything was going to be okay…

Until about two months ago, (3months since the event), I had a nightmare. I was kidnapped, couldn’t move, and I watched as my capturer m**dered others in front of me. I felt the terror, fear, that I’d be next, instead it was just another person. No one had a face.. no recollection of who they were..

I feel my own subconscious is trying to tell me something.. but I didn’t want to think too much of it as I have a life to live a job to do and I just started school again! I have to be on my A-game. A few weeks go by… same nightmare…

My own dreams aren’t even safe… I’m fine during the day but these are disturbing… and no.. I don’t want horror movies, or crime podcasts.. it’s too scary for me!

Again, a few weeks later, (two weeks ago) I have another nightmare.. only this time.. I Overdosed.. on some drug? In my nightmare I could see the needle I used from across the floor, I had woken up in my nightmare to my sister giving me CPR.. screaming.. I woke up and sat out of my bed.. I was horrified.. and no.. I don’t have a history of any drug use!

I can’t help these nightmares are connected trying to tell myself something isn’t right.. I was tortured watched someone die, and in the next, I virtually almost end of k*ll*ng myself? How are these dreams related? What is it trying to tell me?

NOTE: I am no a drug user, I do not watch crime shows, I am not suicidal, but more so. I am a concerned victim trying to figure out my emotions. I am so hyper aware of my situation. I’m just trying to understand so I can make a change somewhere. I’m still learning how to forgive myself, I’m still learning not to blame myself for what happened. I am still learning how to give myself grace. But please someone help me understand these nightmares.. they are freaking me out!

I apologize for the long message, please be kind when responding.. I just need a little help not more trauma!

-Stay safe