No way out
It's been years I'm stuck in my mind and that I don't see a way out anymore. Everyday reliving the past, thinking about the fact how it changes my life in a negative way and the problems just keep going up.
It's been 5 years since I survived the terrorist attack. I got badly injured and I have really bad ptsd. I have injuries that I will carry with me my whole life and they cannot do anything about it. Hospitals are my second home now. Every sound of an ambulance or police car or whatever kind of siren brings me back. The place everything happened I'm still working there. But it's so hard.
I never took a break I never talked to anybody. I'm just not the kind of person that talks. I'm the type that listens to other people but my own problems I keep for myself.
But it's to much. I'm always mad and sad at the same time I don't feel like I want to be in this world anymore. I wonder how my life would be of I'm not in it anymore. Would people miss me?
I don't know. Before the terrorist attack my grand mother passed away in my arms. This year my mom got cancer. So I need to go to the hospital with her to. I barely am alive. It's like I'm alive just for work and hospitals. I don't have a social live anymore because I don't feel like talking or going out. I just want to be alone. When I'm alone I'm thinking. Thinking about everything that happened. Sometimes I re-watch the clips on YouTube about the attack to see everything again. Wonder How did I survive, why did I survive. I was so close to the bombs. Okay I got badly injured but I'm still here. Here to life my live in this hell I'm living.
I tried talking to a psychologist but it didn't work. For the moment I just want to write everything down and tell everything but not face to face. Because when I talk I start crying when I start crying I get mad and when I get. Mad I get more sad. It's like a circle it never ends.
I don't know what to do anymore I feel lost, stuck. I'm in a pitch black tunnel and there is no way out. Not even a small light it's just darkness all around me. 😞
There is no way out
@convivialBunny3162
Hey Bunny,
First off, just coming on here and sharing what you went through is freaking brave in itself. I know what it's like to feel like you're reliving the past over and over. The event itself may be over- but the memories are so much harder to deal with. There are moments where you may just feel numb and detached from everything around you. You're not alone in how you feel..
I can't imagine what it was like to survive the terrorist attack. It's a pain most people wouldn't even be able to comprehend. It's not just the attack, it's the fear it leaves you with. The deepest scars it left you with may run much deeper than those visible on the outside. They don't define you. The keyword here is that you *survived*. You're fighting through every day- despite being through the worst.
You sound like someone with the personality traits of a great listener. That comes with its downsides too. Often, you may prioritize others over yourself and find it hard to talk and focus on *yourself*. At some point, it's bound to feel like too much..and it's okay to feel that way. You're worthy of the same kind of listening ear you lend to others <3
When we go through a traumatic event, everything seems to become "before the event" and "after the event". It may seem like everything rotates around the terrorist attack..Losing your grandma and your mum's cancer just piles onto all the pressure you must be feeling.
When you're thinking, it sounds like you experience a form of guilt. "How did I survive?" or "Why did I survive?" are questions we all think of. Why me and not others? What's hard to accept is that there are things we have no control over. You may never figure out how or why you survived, just that you did. You had no control over what happened, but you do have a certain level of control over your future..
I'm sorry to hear talking to a psychologist didn't work. Not everyone is a good fit. If and when you feel ready, I hope you feel empowered enough to try and reach out to find someone who matches your needs. For now, if writing helps, then write. It's okay to not feel ready to talk. People around you may see it as an event that happened a long time ago. In reality, "trauma" is the scars left on our mind. The thoughts, the feelings, the anger, the sadness..It's important to learn to emphasize your feelings rather than the event itself. You matter and the way you feel matters..
If you'd ever like to speak more about this, feel free to connect to a listener or put out a general request. Alternatively, the forums are there to connect with others who have been through similar experiences.
Take care of yourself
~Sierra
