PTSD Reopened Then and Now *trigger potential* (ongoing)
Then:
I was diagnoised with PTSD about 9 years ago. My then boyfriend and I came home to our quad apartment on fire. We ran in to save my pets, and in the process were trapped in the building. It took many months to cope with all that I lose, and even longer before I relized I had an issue. I wasn't sleeping, constant flashbacks, night terrors, emotional outbursts, hermiting...these were things I were never before. The life of the party, cafefree extrovert had died and left behind a scared, lonely introvert who didn't know how to reconnect to the people she was pushing away. I lost many friends, almost all my family. I was very lonely. I finally got therapy 9 months later, and on and off since. The biggest and most helpful thing I could have done was Move. I literally moved 18 hours away, 800 miles. With a new boyfriend at this time who had knowledge of mental disorders. I started new therapy, tried new things, and new people. It was very lonely and isolating for a while but... during that time I had a lot of self reflection. The people who did care for me kept in contact and it eased the anxiety of who I could trust. I digged into hobbies long forgotten, and bought a new camera. I can say today that I will never be over that trauma, I still have triggers, and there are days I can't cope. I have an inner strength that keeps me going, plus an amazing emotional support animal who knows when I am having anxiety.
Now
So this past year has been rough. I got married but before we got married we tried being swingers. We trusted this person as if they were part of our relationship. We had blinders on and everything was for him. not for us. Our wedding. Our plans. Everything. We got absorbed into his problems and his life. We began to fight and I feared our marriage was doomed before it ever started. Sexual expierences varied from mutual to scandalous. I was convienced multiple times into things I didn't want but I still consented to. I was weak. Looking back, we were used in all aspects of the word. I was coersed, out of fear to sleep with him outside my husbands knowledge. I have yet to bring it up to him because I am terrified. I know I shouldn't have, and I deserve whatever comes my way. I never got the choice to say no, I was only ever given the illusion of it. Recently we decided to take action, legal action and with in the social LARP club we are in. Filing with the club has been rough. I had put all this so far out of my mind that I was functioning fine. The night terrors are back, insomnia, constant anxiety and fear that its all going to go bad. Its been a rough 2 weeks. I am not sure where to start with the investigation or my husband
I actually don't know what to say; I just wanted you to know at least that someone had read, heard and cared about what you wrote here. There is so much stuff that seems to have happened, and you must be going through so many emotions. I guess I wonder what support you feel you have, and if you don't have enough support currently, what can we do as a community here to help support you?
@resourcefulPond1641 Responding was the best thing that could have been done. While i have support, I can't bring it up to friends as this will get legal as well as its rooted in the club. I do not want to break club rules about talking about open investigations of misconduct.
Thank you for just saying you read it. It means the most to me.
@ShiRokuRei Hi Shi, thanks so much for sharing all that you did and for posting here in the trauma community :) Please reach out for support if you need. I am sorry that you went through the fire experience you described in your post. That must have been devastating for you and I hope you had support around you at that time. Its not surprizing that you were left with PTSD symptoms such as night terrors, flashbacks, not sleeping etc. Being trapped in a fire is a terrifying experience. Its sad too to hear that you lost so many friends, as a result of how the experience affected you day to day.
Its good to hear that therapy was an option you were able to use to help you begin to work through what you went through. What got you to the point where you felt a move away was the right option for you? It was good to read that those good friends, who genuinely cared for your friendship were there for you during that time.
It sounds as tho you have done a lot of work on managing triggers, and using hobbies and distraction as a way of coping should these occur. Its good to hear that your now able to cope a little better than perhaps you were a while ago. There may always be triggers in life, but the key is knowing them and managing them.
It sounds as if you found yourself over the recent year in situations you did not fully consent to or did not wish to enter into. Perhaps having recognised this, you are now more able to make choices that feel right for you? Perhaps from the legal action you have taken you can finally feel you have found a voice to be able to say what happened to you wasnt okay. 'The feeling of being out of control, perhaps could be resurfacing the symptoms you are experiencing and given the stress of legal action, it is understandable that you may be finding things difficult currently. Are you able to share what is happening for you in your therapy?
@dancingRainbow45
Moving away provided a new scenery, new opportunities and a chance to be the new "me". The move was the now husband's idea. I was wallowing where I was. We discussed it for 9 months before I moved. I have lived a relatively nomadic style life before hand, but I had been trapped literally down the street for years by the apartment. Seeing remenants and expierencing it on the daily. Distance has made a huge difference.
I have always had severe control issues. And being out of control triggers it all. Placing my trust in the officials in this matter, waiting and so forth, all of that burns away my energy to push through. But this person has hurt more than me, and my husband. He's a repeat offender. I just know I am strong enough to bring to light what happened to me so that those who also suffered from him can feel elevated to be able to do the same. What I do for myself and what I can do for them is all in my control and its what I am holding on to.
As far as therapy goes, I had taken a break previously because I was literally off medication, and doing so well. Then all this happened and I haven't made it in yet. I have called her today, to make the first step in feeling better.
