PTSD
I was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD and dealing with a lot of emotional/relationship issues. I never realized that they were all caused by the ptsd- I just thought I was going crazy.
I am still having trouble controlling my crazy emotions and having a normal relationship without getting hysterical or being afraid and feeling unloved. I need some kind of advice on how to come out on top of this.. Right now I just feel like a prisoner of my own mind. 
Also, just to add to what I already said; The anxiety and inability to cope with things is really bad at this point. I was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt and I did learn from it but every time I get upset I think about it again. I cannot shake these thoughts that I am ugly and terrible and not truly loved by anyone. What's worse is my fiance doesn't fully understand what it feels like and it's hard for me to explain without it sounding like a lame excuse. But the pain is real. It is so hard. I almost want to cut all relationships off-but I know that might be worse. I can't focus on anything anymore and I feel like I am going nowhere.
Also, just to add to what I already said; The anxiety and inability to cope with things is really bad at this point. I was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt and I did learn from it but every time I get upset I think about it again. I cannot shake these thoughts that I am ugly and terrible and not truly loved by anyone. What's worse is my fiance doesn't fully understand what it feels like and it's hard for me to explain without it sounding like a lame excuse. But the pain is real. It is so hard. I almost want to cut all relationships off-but I know that might be worse. I can't focus on anything anymore and I feel like I am going nowhere.
Hi. I am not sure if I can give advice. But I can hopefully help a tiny bit in letting you know that what you are feeling may be what you WEREfeeling back then when things were bad. If you are feeling scared, out of control. Fear that you will make people mad. fear that you will be unsafe if.... its all common amongst people who are expereincing PTSD. The good news is that you can heal from this.
The way I see it is that its almost like waking back through it all again. But this time with a level of awareness. You talk about it. You work through it. And then there is a, what I call "charge" that is taken off of it. In other words, the memories may not go away. But there is not the intense emotional connection associated with the memories. And they will not control you. Thats the future.
Getting through the process of healing the PTSD, what caused it, is hard. But the alternative is much much worse. Best I can offer is to try to become more and more aware of the connection that much of what you are feeling emotionally is likely how you felt back then. The fears. The scaared. It helped me to know that this horrible feeling or horrible fear is how I felt then. So its part of the memory. Its the old coming back. The fear of being unloved. The out of control emotions. Of course. Its how it was. See? Its normal for someone with PTSD. And that is not your fault. Its not about whats bad about you. No no. And yes, I can undersand feeling like being a prisoner in your own mind. Because you are not yet at the place in your healing where you have been able to take back your power from this. That comes eventually.
I wish there was an easier way. Other than to walk back through this to get to the other side. But I do not know of one. For most people it feels out of control and never ending. Please know that many have made great progress in freeing themselves. But they all have gone through the feelings you describe. Just keep reaching out, keep working on it. And know that even if it does not feel like it, there is light at the end of the healing tunnel. And all you are feeling is normal for PTSD. Its feelings from long ago. Even though it seems like they are current feelings and emotions.
Please keep writing. if you want. I hope my words were of some help. <3
Thank you.. I try not to let the thoughts control me...and I hardly think about it anymore but it's the subconscious thoughts that really cause problems. They just lurk and lurk and sometimes I don't even realize they are affecting me. I just want to break out of this emotional/mental jail and be able to move on with my life and be productive.
to answer your second post, what you are describing is sadly not uncommon for people who have a lot of PTSD. Even the part about feeling ugly and terrible. Its SO common. I commend you for working on it. Its so important to stay alive.PLEASE know you are not alone. Even though it probably feels like you are. And I understand if it feels like you are. That makes sense. But way too many good people suffer from PTSD because of horrible past.
Do you think you might want to do a joint session with your fiance and your therapist? To help your fiance to understand what it is like for you? I wish I could explain the dynamics to him. How hard it is. And how much courage it takes to get through every day. Again I want to tell you that eventually with hard work, the "charge" will diminsh. And you will reclaim your power over the memories and feelings. This has been done by many. And those people once felt like you feel.
I totally agree! I too suffer from complex PTSD. Sifting through the trauma is gut wrenching. Sometimes and especially during therapy, I go so far away from the present because my past keeps me prisoner. As a matter if fact, right now, I am prisoner in my home. PTSD is ugly and is like a huge wave that knocks me down often. I feel like I will certainly drown! Suicidal thoughts consume me constantly. You must take it slow and put no time limit on your recovery. It's ok to feel these awful feelings. I try to tell myself this everyday. It will take a lot of strength, courage and effort to jump over that wave of water that knocks you down. I am slowly learning that I was a victim and I was not to blame for what happened to me. Please continue to move forward and know that you are not alone here! Best to you! Remember to swim and keep your head above water❤️
Thanks for your words...One of the hardest parts, like you said, is trying to stop blaming yourself and be able to get over the wave that always wants to make you drown.
I know. It's a bigger and stronger wave though if we don't face it. Believe me, I have been running for years from my past. A past that was full of childhood abuse and neglect. Things were taken from me and done to me without my permission. We are not to blame. I don't know your experiences that led you to developing PTSD. I do know that PTSD needs to be dealt with in some way. Are you in therapy?
I don't claim to have all the answers that you seek. I don't know if I will ever be free from PTSD. What I do know is YOU are the only one who can take steps to ease the pain. You are the only one who knows how bad it was and how badly you feel now. I know how alone it feels. People tell me all the time that I am not alone, funny thing is, I sure do feel alone sometimes. Thanks for reading this. I hope it helps, even just a bit.
Yes, that's so true. Everyone always says "you are not alone" but I have nobody. I am going to counseling but I've only gone twice so far. Seems like it will help in the long run though. My ptsd came from something that started when I was 13 and went on for four years, gradually building up. I think it really affected my normal child development. I'm so confused all the time >.<
I know me too! I can't stop thinking about it. My brain is just consumed by all of it. I wish there was a magic wand sometimes that my counselor would pull out ofher pocket and fix me! Hang in there, like I said, I am here! Maybe we can share knowledge and help one another.
definitely..is there a way for me to send you a direct message on here?
I don't know. I'm a member. I'm not a listener. If we can though, that would be great!
I tried to find out but I don't think there is a way :(
I guess we can just continue discussing on the forum...
Ok we can do that😊
I am here for you if you need support!!
Thanks for your words...One of the hardest parts, like you said, is trying to stop blaming yourself and be able to get over the wave that always wants to make you drown.
Also, just to add to what I already said; The anxiety and inability to cope with things is really bad at this point. I was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt and I did learn from it but every time I get upset I think about it again. I cannot shake these thoughts that I am ugly and terrible and not truly loved by anyone. What's worse is my fiance doesn't fully understand what it feels like and it's hard for me to explain without it sounding like a lame excuse. But the pain is real. It is so hard. I almost want to cut all relationships off-but I know that might be worse. I can't focus on anything anymore and I feel like I am going nowhere.
Message me sometime! I also struggle with this.
I'm kind of new here..how can I send you a message? :)
I'm kind of new here..how can I send you a message? :)
For me, PTSD was characterized as a cage of memories I couldn't break out of. I cannot express how sorry I am that you have had to live through what was clearly an incredibly severe trauma. I wish you all the best in your healing.If you ever need a listener with a personal background in this disorder, I would love to connect with you sometime,Capoeiramata. Much love
