Reading abuse stories
This is somewhat random. Growing up I was in a violent household where I witnessed and experienced abuse. I’m in my twenties now and I feel like that trauma is still a major part of me. I’ve noticed myself drawn to reading stories and fanfiction of couples that detail abuse. I don’t know the reason why but it’s almost like im reading it but also know what it feels like so it’s strangely comforting? It’s scares me tho bc I worry I’ll seek out that behavior in relationships.. I have anger issues / short temper from the violence I witnessed but I am working on that. Im a girl 23 btw
@Wavescurrent7622
So full-disclosure, none of what I'm about to say is direct advice to you, but is solely pulled from my own experiences of being a survivor of childhood trauma. Trauma that sounds very similar to yours in a lot of aspects.
I learned in therapy about repitition compulsion--that our psyches get conditioned and even comfortable with the familiarity of the kind of lives and environments that we grew up in--for better or worse. And for those of us who have been through trauma, that's usually for worse.
I had to learn that just because these compulsions or familiarities followed me into adulthood, that it wasn't my fault--never was. And I would say the say same for you, just again from my own experiences.
A large part of my healing (which is still and probably will always be a daily journey) has been resetting--throwing out the book from both of my parents from anything I may have learned from them.
I have to admit that I am envious of some of my friends. No parents are perfect and all families *are* dysfunctional to some degree, but those friends were blessed to have a childhood that they did not have to clinically recover from.
Conversely, I spose the silver lining of all this trauma is that it's made me pretty dang empathic towards others, and has given me a pretty deep glimpse into who I am as a person on the deepest level(s).
I understand about the reading of others stories of abuse, I'm not really sure why either but I do read alot too. I did break the cycle of abuse however as I raised my children with love and care, all the hugs I didn't get as a child.
Now after years of not sifting through all my abuse I'm doing it now trying to come to terms with it. I have a good trustworthy therapist.
Best ABB 💜
I completely get this and have felt so weird about doing it for so long. When all of the stuff came out about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard I became obsessed with the whole case for two straight months and woukd stay uo all night watching the case videos, etc. Now when I see something about either of them on the news/see movies, etc it puts me on edge. But I feel constantly drawn towards those types of stories and cases. Im thankful that I am in a happy healthy marriage, but the desire to read this type of stuff is still there.
I definitely indulge in media that is darker in nature and deals with all kinds of traumatic subject matter. both in tv shows and true crime. It's cathartic, in a way.
