Recently diagnosed and going through a rough patch
Its not super surprising that I was diagnosed seeing as I’ve been through countless traumatic experiences in my short 15 years of life, but I don’t really know what to do with my diagnosis. My mother ( who has caused a lot of my trauma) doesn’t take it seriously or understand how much it effects me. Up until recently she’s been doing really good in the sense of controlling her anger and being conscious about her words and actions, but for the past few weeks I feel like she’s gone back to her old self. And since I noticed, I’ve been completely on edge. Tearing up when she raises her voice, flashbacks of how she used to be, things like that. I want to tell her that how’s she’s been acting is hurting me, but I’m scared half to death to confront her. Is there any advice on dealing with this by myself or ways to tell her without her being able to twist it into a “personal attack”?
Hi navyeyes,
Being in that environment must be really triggering and scary. I’m really sorry you’re going through that.
I’m no expert so please take this advice with a grain of salt!
First I would recommend establishing a safe space for when things are hard at home. You deserve to be safe. Perhaps that’s a friends house or with a family member. Your safety is priority 1.
Next I would recommend consulting your doctor about professional resources that might help. I’m not sure where you live but often there are help lines for young people who are going through tough things, like you are. Remember that your body is reacting to a difficult situation. This isn’t your fault.
Lastly one tool that I find helpful is the DEAR method:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/how-assertive%3famp
Describe the situation
Express your feelings
Assert your belief
Reinforce the other person
This might look like…
Describe: Mom, I notice when x happens you tend to raise your voice.
Express: In those moments I feel very afraid and sad.
Assert: When you are angry, it would help me feel safer if you could step away from the situation until you feel able to speak without raising your voice.
Reinforce: I’ve seen that you’ve really been trying lately and I value that. Your cooperation would help me feel safe, and help us deepen our relationship.
These exact words may not feel right… so please modify them to a point where you feel comfortable. If you don’t feel this would be safe to discuss in person, perhaps try discussing it with her over the phone where you are somewhere safe, or writing her a letter. I’m not sure what feels right or safe to you but these are just some ideas.
Like I said, make sure your safety is the first priority. You deserve to be safe.
I hope that helps,
K
