So tired
The daily fight to function with CPtsd and depression/ anxiety is wearing on me. I'm trying hard with therapist but I really don't have other ppl I can turn to except here on 7 cups. Because of all my trauma I don't know how to really connect with ppl on a real trust friendship level. I don't have anyone I can call you and say " I'm having such a rough time because......"
My mum is in dementia ward and my sister is just as messed up as me and is not good support. We grew up in the same miserable violent abusive home. She understands my struggles but hers are the same and it's hard to support each other. She's hyper focused on her rage at the world . Not alot of help to me.
I'm climbing this tall cliff in my head and I keep falling backwards.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you :) I get this - I really do and I'm sitting with you - willing to offer a hand to help you up if you need it
Sorry if I keep invading your spaces - I told someone else here I'm like a bad penny that keeps showing up. I struggle with trust issues too - it's hard when there haven't been many people you can trust and if something happens to set that back - it's really hard to open yourself up to it again. I'm sorry you don't have anyone either :(
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. I'm glad you posted a response. I'm trying hard to stay off anxiety meds but it's rough. I'm really anti med but I take antidepressants regularly. The anxiety meds different and more addictive. I'm just trying so hard, I am trying to find other ways to deal with this anxiety. It's tricky stuff when life keeps happening around you. I had to attend my daughter in laws dad's funeral. It was rough for alot of reasons other than the obvious. All this is manifesting in physical ways too ....ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm sorry for your loss ❤
Anxiety is horrible. I fight with it alot too. I have meds for it but they don't allways work. I've got so many things I try to calm it down. Sometimes they work too but sometimes they don't
Have you tried a weighted blanket? Its ok if you do and it doesn't work for you. It feels constricting to me so I don't use it much. How about essential oils? Lavender and vanilla help but sometimes it's something you associate with comfort. Here it's apples or mint. They're associated with good memories so they bring comfort sometimes. I've also used progressive muscle relaxation - that's helped too. Sometimes just moving - this is a normal go to -sometimes to just shake it off like a dog would water - but first is the breathing. Deep breaths in - hold and then out. If that doesnt help - sometimes I just need to interact with people here. I don't have friends or family I can go to - other then the people I know here. Sometimes even writing here like you did can help sometimes. Like you're shining a light on it - acknowledging that its there. But sometimes I do things I shouldn't to manage it - I wouldn't advise that though
Anxiety does cause alot of physical effects too. I can't eat sometimes - or sleep or much of anything when it's really bad. But I have tons of stuff to try and help
I hope it eases for you but I also understand that it's not that easy too
*leaving a safe hug for you*
@mytwistedsoul
thank you for your continued support.
im not good at lining up my tool box, I have lavender oil and I excercise at a gym, artistic stuff can help. I do have similarities to you as I can't eat or sleep. I had alot of trouble sleeping last night.
i just have a ton of triggers and Everytime I turn a corner I find new ones I didn't expect. I know I'm more capable than what I'm doing but fear and my abusers hand is still around my neck even though he's dead. There's dynamics that are going on with my siblings because our mom is sick. One of the siblings is psychotic and just like our dad so we all blocked him, but he went to a lawyer behind our backs and gained control over our mom. It's a sh*t show. I just want something nice to happen to me ....I'm worried about $$ too. One of my kids is getting married soon and one of my s. harassers is going to be there....so my guards going to be up at this one time event. All I want is to be left alone and dance with my son. It's a weekend event too so we are staying 2 nights ..Give me 🙏strength to get thru my challenges ...💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I can totally understand why your anxiety is so high right now. You're being bombarded from all sides. The past - the present and the future all coming at you at once. It would be overwhelming
I sometimes forget the things I can do too - the tools I have to help me. It's easy to do when the anxiety flies off the charts with triggers - it's ok. I mean it s*cks but it's ok that it happens. It doesn't mean you're weak and you are doing the best you can right now with everything that is coming at you
Try to remember that during this weekend event that you're not alone. Try to keep a group of people close by so that your harasser has no opportunity to try anything - even if it's just one or two people. Maybe if you can focus on that dance with your son - the highlight of the event for you - you're there for them - to h*ll with anyone else. If you need a break - Idk - do they have rooms for family members like that? Or if your hotel room is near by - just some place where you can safely tuck yourself away to catch your breath when you need to
You will definitely be in my thoughts and I will be sending you strength
Getting through C-PTSD is a long journey and I can understand the frustration and tiredness you're going through as I'm also getting through mine. I understand that the help from therapies and medications are limited, and it can be really hard to trust after all the trauma. I will be here as you go through this. Please feel free to talk to me if you would like to~ :)
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you :)
you've been in my thoughts lately and I was wondering how you are - hope you don't mind. Let me know if I'm annoying you ok? I wont be offended 🙂
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for checking on me. You never bother me, I think you must sense I'm in a huge struggle. I am having the hardest time .ugh ABB💜
@mytwistedsoul
My anxiety/ depression is an uphill battle these days.
My grief is HUGE...for all the losses I've dealt with especially the loss of myself.
@amiableBlackberry92 It can be so overwhelming to think about - those losses. Childhood - the person we might have been otherwise - the opportunities. Even certain people that might have cared for us when we were young but kept away from
I know you had said you had alot going on with an upcoming wedding and there were going to be people there that weren't good for you. That might explain your anxiety. Having to be around people that have done things to us puts us on guard and it doesn't just go away after the moment has passed
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now though and I wish there was something that could help but I also know that alot of times there isn't much that we haven't allready tried and its frustrating and everything adds to everything else. We're left - still. Just standing with no idea which direction to turn. The world turns around us but we're going no where
Is there something someone here can do? Maybe to check in with you? To send a note or to tag you in places to join in?
Lol - sorry it feels like I'm sending you a wall of text!
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry,
I forgot to ask, how are you?
It's nice to have you here for my lonely climb..ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 No worries! I'm not too bad right at the moment. I was alittle shaky earlier but therapy was today and I get like that sometimes. I spent sometime with some plants and pets afterwards and they help soothe me sometimes
Thank you for asking :)
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so glad your ok . Therapy helps. Sometimes I need it more than once a week but I can't afford it. Plants and pets...both great to spend time with. I'm happy to hear from you.
Thx💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 It is expensive. I mean a really good one is worth their weight in gold. Its just a shame that they can't be alittle more reasonably priced
Um - I ask alot of questions sometimes and you don't have to answer them ok? But I wonder If there are any support groups close by that might help? They're usually open to anyone and I don't think they cost anything. All though it can be hard to do with anxiety. I've thought about it but haven't gotten the courage up to go. Therapy and out for groceries is the only place I go usually. I pretty much keep to myself - except for here
I'm sending you some good vibes tonight. Take good care of yourself ok? ❤
@mytwistedsoul
It's ok to ask me stuff I don't mind. I can't do groups because I likely know someone in it. I worked a long time at a job where I saw everybody that lives in this area .
I saw ppl I know in a waiting room before the virus where my therapist was working at that time. I knew right There I wasn't up for group support. I'm sure it would help if I was anonymous here but I'm not ugh.
I hate social media with a passion because it makes my world even smaller than it already is. Really does everyone need to know every single painful thing about their neighbors. Sorry little passionate about that. I'm not on any social stuff.
Sometimes I'd like to move far away from here but I can't run from my own demons. I'm stuck with them and they'd just follow me.
I don't go many places, therapist, gym ( during work hours no one's there) and I carside the groceries because I don't want to bump into ppl I know in there. I pretty much want to be invisible. 7 cups feels safe to me that's why Im here. I hope your good tonight. ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to do any group things. It would be awkward seeing people that you associated with over a long period of time.
To be honest I don't do any social media either. No faceb**k, no tweets happening here. This is the only social place here too. Because its anonymous. Surprisingly enough for as large as the world is it can also be very small.
Here everything is surrounded by trees with no close neighbors. Hidden from sight. Its peaceful and quiet.
I can understand the draw to just be invisible too. To pretend as if we don't exist but it gets lonely at times. I guess that where this place fills the void.
I hope your day is a good one! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending you good vibes.
@mytwistedsoul,
Sounds like you have a nice private place. I love that. I understand about the feeling alone part though. I'm here though☺️.
I do live in a quiet neighborhood, houses not too close but I can go to my daughter's out in the woods part of this area to have total silence which I find healing. She has no neighbors ...she is busy working but I can still hang out there alone.
My son's wedding isn't until December.
I hope today is a good day.
Do you work? ( Don't answer if you don't want i completely understand) . I worked all my life since a really young age but I had to leave my job last year because of my condition. I couldn't handle it my condition is so debilitating.
Fortunately the sun's out today hoping to sit out in nature and breathe..
I hope your day is a good day. ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) How are you today? It sounds like you live in a nice area too. It's awesome that you can go contour daughters and enjoy the woods. The peace and quiet of the woods has a healing power to it all its own I think. Tranquility maybe
I'm sorry to hear about your job. Did you like it? It must have been hard to step away from something you had invested so much of yourself in. Kind of like you left a part of you behind
I'm self employed I guess you'd call it lol - I make things with wood. Usually furniture but I had started doing carvings - little gnome houses and animals but last year so many things hit all at once and I stopped everything. But about two weeks ago I actually started working on a giraffe. It felt nice to start doing it again
I hope you enjoyed the sunshine and had a day with less anxiety and depression today ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thx for sharing with me. Your job is artistic I love that. I 🎨 paint...
Today was nice.
Tonight I'm thinking what my life could have been if not for such a traumatic one. I spoke to siblings today they too have so much struggle from our childhood.
My job- I miss the work friendships. The problem is alot of my trauma ( aside from the abuse as a child) is attached to that place. I had 3 different recent traumas going on all at once. 2 from the job 1 outside the job. The first 6 months I was out of work I fell so far into the darkness. I thought I was going to diie. Finding 7 cups helped alot.
I spent so many years working there. I have to say I have had an enormous amount of adjusting and different kinds of grief to deal with in a short time frame ....
I am glad to hear your working on your artistic creations. I have moments when I don't pursue painting for a long time. I have focus problems now and my hands shake and they didn't before all this trauma hit me. I need a steady hand to paint. I try still.
I hope your day was good....💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Oh! Painting is so nice! I've allways admired how painters can put together the colors to get just the right hues and how they can put it all together and make such beautiful things. That's wonderful talent
I'm really sorry to hear that there was abuse at work. To lose that on top of the trauma you received from work - I can understand why you fell into such a dark place
I'm an only child. I used to wish for an older brother or sister but now that I'm older I'm glad they didn't have another kids. I just can't imagine people screwing up more then one kid. I'm sorry you and your siblings all suffered at the hands of your parents. Some people shouldn't have kids but they allways seem to be the ones that do
I hope alot about how my focus needs more focus because it's not there when I need it. I sympathize with the shaky hands - mine do that alot too and its hard to get the finer details when you're shaking like a leaf. Comprehension can be hard some days too. Sometimes someone can explain things a dozen times and I just can't grasp it. Its like they're speaking in a foreign language
It's hard thinking about what might have been. I do that alot too - I guess maybe we all do. I wonder if I would have went to college - got married - had kids. Would I make a good parent and then it scares me to think what if under it all I'm just like them and I just don't know because I've never been in that position? Would I be a better person without all the abuse - or maybe just better rounded - Idk
I lose track of my thoughts alot too - it's irritating! Ugh
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts tonight ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thx.
Despite everything I have a spouse and 2 grown kids. They know they are loved and that's something I made sure they knew. They are the only best thing I did with my life. I sacraficed So they could have what I didn't.
My son is extra special to me ...
My relationship with my spouse is difficult. He's a great dad and he came along when I was desperately trying to find a way out of my parents clutches. The issues we have are my own fault. I kept the wall up the entire time. He doesn't know me he knows my persona. He married her. I feel terrible. Trust is pretty much impossible for me so I can't connect to anyone including him. You have to trust to connect. This is why I feel so alone.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92
It is hard to trust. When there's so many triggers or you think you see red flags but don't know if you really do see them or not. Idk why life has to be so hard with everything
Sending a big safe hug to you if that's ok ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thx, Hugs are always accepted here. Hugs back💜 I am a hugger. See I'm trying to connect to others but I can't make eye contact or tell my truth.
I'm scared and deeply scarred, if he knew the truth he will hate me for sure. I known him so long I just know . I will hurt my kids too. I can't do it.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Thank you :)
Its funny - when I first started coming here I used to cringe from even virtual hugs but now I think of it as sending vibes - strength and peace all the good I can pull from myself and send it across the universe to who ever needs it. I guess that sounds pretty weird
You've been doing really good with talking to people here - I know it's not the same as in real life with people but it's a start. It really is. And its a safe place for you to share whatever you're comfortable sharing
It would be so hard to have things to tell those closest to you. The fear of their reactions. Knowing that once things leave your mouth you can't unsay them. I'm so sorry you hold these secrets inside. It's unfair to you - I picture this huge weight hanging over you constantly :( adding to the weight of depression and anxiety too
@mytwistedsoul
Yes there's a great weight on me and it's not easy to carry day after day. I console myself with the fact that my story cannot hurt them if I just hold onto it ....
The pain it would cause them is enormous. I cannot intentionally inflict any pain on them. I just hope God forgives me. I'm not a bad person, bad stuff has happened TO me. I am an easy target due to my childhood experiences. Maybe not so much anymore as I have learned so much about myself.. It's easy to keep the bad ppl out of your life if you don't go anywhere or see anyone. The sadness of my life is overwhelming. I was an innocent when I created my persona and the huge fear kept her in place. It set me up for alot of bad ppl flocking to my vulnerability. Humans are not very good in my experience. They are mean.
I cannot believe what I've endured at the hands of others. It's sickens me to think about it. I had no knowledge of boundaries and limits because of my abuse as a child. All my boundaries were taken away. He had no limits and we had no privacy.
Only my siblings get it because they endured it along with me. The hardest part was not being allowed to help each other. Talk about feeling completely helpless. We were at the mercy of our abuser. Kind of like being a prisoner except you have no hope of getting out and your terrified. What a negative existence to be born to. It was so severe it shaped all of our lives and none of us can connect. There's nothing more important than connecting to another person heart to heart. I can't do it. It's awful.
Your a good person and a good listener thanks for being here and finding me around here.
Maybe today will be a good day.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92
Yes there's a great weight on me and it's not easy to carry day after day. I console myself with the fact that my story cannot hurt them if I just hold onto it ....
The pain it would cause them is enormous. I cannot intentionally inflict any pain on them. I just hope God forgives me. I'm not a bad person, bad stuff has happened TO me. I am an easy target due to my childhood experiences. Maybe not so much anymore as I have learned so much about myself.. It's easy to keep the bad ppl out of your life if you don't go anywhere or see anyone. The sadness of my life is overwhelming. I was an innocent when I created my persona and the huge fear kept her in place. It set me up for alot of bad ppl flocking to my vulnerability. Humans are not very good in my experience. They are mean.
I cannot believe what I've endured at the hands of others. It's sickens me to think about it. I had no knowledge of boundaries and limits because of my abuse as a child. All my boundaries were taken away. He had no limits and we had no privacy.
Only my siblings get it because they endured it along with me. The hardest part was not being allowed to help each other. Talk about feeling completely helpless. We were at the mercy of our abuser. Kind of like being a prisoner except you have no hope of getting out and your terrified. What a negative existence to be born to. It was so severe it shaped all of our lives and none of us can connect. There's nothing more important than connecting to another person heart to heart. I can't do it. It's awful.
Your a good person and a good listener thanks for being here and finding me around here.
Maybe today will be a good day.
Holding onto it just hurts you. It shows how much you love them - to hold all of this inside
You are a good person. I've seen the way you reply to people here - total strangers but you're allways so nice and supportive. If there is a god or some higher power youve paid the price allready and there is nothing that need to be forgiven
I know how people can target other people - maybe they see them as weak or they find the soft parts of us. Some people take what they've been through and repeat the same things but then there are some who are super sensitive to the suffering of others.Maybe because of the suffering that went on in childhood - we understand better when others hurt. How they feel lonely and unheard. And like you - I keep people out of my life - it keeps all the bad people away but it also keeps away any good ones too
To be abused beside your siblings - to suffer together but alone. I understand that prison - I was in one too
I can understand creating a persona or others too. Its what was needed to survive but it just complicates life more now
There's so.much of your story I understand and I am so sorry you went through it too and now have the aftermath. The damage it causes - your world explodes and not much makes sense. There's questions with no answers and the constant feeling of being an outsider allways looking in. The things you yearn for but are afraid to reach out for. I made a connection with someone once but my fear and my stupid head made me step back and the connection was lost and now - idk - maybe one day another one will come along and I'll be better to handle it but the trust for other people isn't there
I admire your strength - the fact that you raised your kids with love - it shows that you have a good heart and I am honored to have met you here
I hope today was a good day for you ❤
@mytwistedsoul sorry about the messed up reply - I mean to delete the top half and I forgot 😕
@amiableBlackberry92 Just wanted to pop in and say hey. You've been in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thx for thinking about me. Trying hard to stay busy. Therapist has a new option we can implement this week. I'm excited and open to new ideas. I read a good book about a trauma survivor those types of things give me hope that someday I'll be at peace. I'm praying alot and hoping for my own forgiveness in my life's choices.
I hope your doing well. Glad we are friends here on 7 cups.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I hope this new option helps. It's kind of nice when there are things that give us that spark of hope
Good with your next appointment! :)
@amiableBlackberry92 Sorry to intrude again. I was just wondering how the new option your therapist had went. No pressure to answer though ok?
@mytwistedsoul
It's good to hear from you, Thanks for asking, it's going well. It's a type of tapping technique. We will do many sessions but it takes less than 15 minutes to do. I will apply many of my issues to this new technique. Hoping for success.
I'm excited my sister is thinking she wants to live closer to me. Which would be nice as she's too far to see more than a couple times a year. If it's meant to happen it will.
How's things going for you. I hope weather is good where you are. Do you find weather helps you ? It definitely can help me .
Best ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 You're welcome ❤ I've heard of that! EFT or something I think it's called? I hope it helps
Oh wow! That sounds great about your sister. It would be nice for you to be able to see her more. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out for you both
The weather does affect me alot. Spring and summer are better. The cold and early darkness of fall and winter add to the depression. It's been cloudy here for what feels like forever lately but it's still fairly warm - so it hasn't been too bad yet
Take good care of yourself ok?
@mytwistedsoul
I'm trying to very hard caring for myself first. We must live not too far from each other it was cloudy here for 3 days ugh and it's getting darker earlier. Winter is super difficult. It's very unusually warm here today with some sun. I actually am dreaming about a getaway for winter but we can't afford one.
I am writing a list of things I'm grateful for.
I hope your day is better weather soon. I'm around here if you need a chatty person lol.....
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Up in the north east here. It was in the low 60s today and cloudy. Nice to get yard work done but that's about it. Sometimes I think I should have been a plant the way I crave sunshine
A nice tropical beach would be nice tbh
I don't mind chatting :) I can be alittle weird about it sometimes and I get quiet and retreat - I just don't want you to think it's personal
@mytwistedsoul
No worries I don't take anything personally, sometimes I retreat too. I get it. I'm here in this n. East area too. Can be so depressing in winter. If I had money I'd have beach house some where warm to escape to. Sunshines like water, it's required.
I need one of those lumen lamps but geez that's just not the same.
Sleeps elusive lately, dreams keep me up -so annoying. Would be good if they were fun dreams but there not ugh.
Hope your doing ok.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 It would be so nice to be able to escape to a warm sunny spot in the winter. We get so.much snow here sometimes that it feels as though spring is a lifetime way and we'll all die before it arrives
Sleep is like a mythical creature here too. I go to bed totally exhausted only to wake up a couple of hours later - often afraid - shaking
I hope you're doing ok too. Depression seems to be sinking its teeth in pretty good right now and right now I'm just too tired to fight it. It's another cool cloudy day so I think we can write the sun off as a lost cause again
@mytwistedsoul
Yes depression and anxiety rule my world as much as I try to ignore it. I feel like I'm sinking many days. I am trying to find something that gives me hope, my own personal hope. It's not easy. Right now I'm looking at the leaves falling and it's giving me anxiety because I don't know how I'm going to get through winter. It is so long and drags on and on. Snow sports are not an option.
I think the darkness weighs so heavy like a suffocating blanket
I'm worried about my sister she's not looking good ....she anorexic. She's the oldest in our group of suffering adult children. I saw her recently and I hadn't seen her for a couple years. Ugh what a shock.
She was like a mum to me growing up because our real mum was mentally checked out.
If I lose my sister it's going to send me over the edge...
Thinking about you, headed to therapist now.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I can understand why you would worry about your sister. Anorexia sounds like a scary thing to deal with. Hopefully her moving closer would help you both heal wounds and you would have the comfort of one another - the understanding of going through what you've both been through
I find that with it growing darker earlier - I catch myself hurrying to get things done because it feels like its later then it actually is - does this happen with you at all? There were time limits with chores and to go over those meant bad things. Its hard to be depressed and anxious at the same time and it seems so unfair tbh
I hope your appt went well and that your day turned out to be a nice one
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Yes that rushing to get things done before dark. I totally get it. I just can't handle this time of year. My sibs say the same thing!
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) Just wanted to pop in and see how you're doing. You popped into my thoughts. How's the tapping technique going?
@mytwistedsoul
Awww your so kind thx for checking on me it's appreciated
How are you holding up?
New technique is good I like it. I thinks it's going to work and it's not like EMDR and takes 15 minutes to do at each session.
I'm a bit if a rollercoaster this week but I'm using the toolbox stuff to help.
I am re reading some self help books I love. Don Miguel Ruiz Jr... His books make sense to me.
Let me know how your doing...
Best ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 You're welcome :)
I'm glad you like that technique that's great! I'm sorry to hear its been a rollercoaster this week though - hopefully things level off for you soon. I'm glad you're remembering your tool box and making use of it :)
Tbh - I'm not sure how to answer. I guess - I don't like myself very much lately. Not that I did much before but lately its been worse. So I just keep to myself - it seems better this way
Thank you for asking ❤️
Well I like you for what it's worth☺️💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Thank you ❤️
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) Just wanted to stop in and check on you - How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
Good to hear from you. How are you? I didn't think it was possible to step into another emotion that's stuck to me and having some serious trouble getting past it.
Apathetic....wow new hill to climb. It's been over a week now and nothing is working. I've had this feeling here and there but not like this. It's the ultimate I don't care about anything no matter how hard I try to feel excited, happy, sad anything.
Hoping it passes before the wedding coming up.
I've been forcing everything, music, food, new technique, excercise, out with my one friend lol. Sit in nature petting neighbors cat etc. I'm stuck. If my partner wasn't here I'd probably stay in
bed and not get up..it's such a weird feeling/ place to be so stuck.
So that's where I'm at in this CPtsd fun.
Thx for asking💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Apathy sucks. Tbh - I've been fighting it for a pretty long time myself. Some days are worse then others and you're doing the best things you can for it. I mean - I know you're having to force yourself to do things but that's pretty much all you can do. I'm sorry you're dealing with it though 😞 I hope it lets go soon and your days get easier soon
I'm - Idk - trying to be ok but some days it's harder to fool myself I guess. Thank you for asking ❤
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) How are you?
