So tired
The daily fight to function with CPtsd and depression/ anxiety is wearing on me. I'm trying hard with therapist but I really don't have other ppl I can turn to except here on 7 cups. Because of all my trauma I don't know how to really connect with ppl on a real trust friendship level. I don't have anyone I can call you and say " I'm having such a rough time because......"
My mum is in dementia ward and my sister is just as messed up as me and is not good support. We grew up in the same miserable violent abusive home. She understands my struggles but hers are the same and it's hard to support each other. She's hyper focused on her rage at the world . Not alot of help to me.
I'm climbing this tall cliff in my head and I keep falling backwards.
ABB
@mytwistedsoul
Hanging in, thx for asking. Trying to get it together before my son's wedding, it's coming up. I'm working with therapist on the new technique to help me through it.
I hope your doing ok. Let me know 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 That's right that is coming up! I hope nothing disturbs the day. I remember you said you were looking forward to dancing with your son ❤️ Are you still working with the tapping method?
I'm doing alittle better at the moment. I'm slowly working on getting my head straight - I think - lol! But seriously - right at the moment - I'm feeling better then I have for quite a while. Thank you for asking :)
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so glad to hear that your doing better. Gives me hope lol.
Yes looking forward to a good day and dancing.
I am doing the tapping technique and other options on this guided healing app. It's seems to help. It's for practioners only to teach to clients to help get past all the trauma.
Thx for checking on me☺️💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm glad that it's helping :) I hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding
You're welcome * leaving you safe hugs ❤️*
@amiableBlackberry92 Wanted to wish you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much, I appreciate your thinking of me. I hope your day was peaceful 🦃. ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey :) How are you? Has the wedding happened yet?
@mytwistedsoul.
Yes just got back I'm exhausted. So fun and I had an unforgettable dance with my son..thx for your support 💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm so glad you had fun and got to enjoy dancing with your son!
@amiableBlackberry92 I hope you don't mind. Wanted to drop off a little friend and wish you a Merry Christmas!
@mytwistedsoul
thank you so much!!! What a beautiful gift. I appreciate your thoughtfulness so very much.
I hope your doing well. This time of year can be tough.
I'm holding on to the beautiful time I had at my son's wedding. My special dance with him was very memorable. I love him so very much. I'm so lucky I have him in my life. Every day that I see him it fills me with hope. He's an amazing good hearted guy and I know I helped shape him into being so incredible. He knows how much he means to me I tell him alot lol.
The only black mark is a very good friend lost her young daughter to cancer last night. I will make a donation to cancer foundation in her name because she was so amazing and it's breaking everyone's heart to lose her in her mid 20s.
life is short and I appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life including you and everyone here at 7 cups .
I'm always around if you need a chatter. I am definitely a chatty person with ppl I trust☺️. Lol
Best always ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 You're welcome! I like going around on the holiday's and dropping off little pictures but lately I've been shying away from those things alot - so I was hoping noone would mind
It is hard around the holidays. It's like everyday is allready a struggle - let's put on an ugly sweater and try to struggle festively
It sounds like your son is incredibly lucky too - to have a parent who cares about him so much and takes such joy in him. You did a good job raising him ❤️ Those are memories to cherish
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friends daughter - and so close to the holidays too. Make's it even harder 😔 Life is so very short - you're right about that and I worry how much of it is passing me by sometimes
I try to remember that but then the anxiety kicks in and I worry alot about annoying people - wasting their time 😬
*leaving you a big hug*
@mytwistedsoul
Do you ever feel like you've tried for years to make a real genuine friendship with ppl but no matter what you just can't . I think it's me, I wasn't taught how to interact correctly with ppl. I always think wow I could use a friend right now but I don't really have one, not a reliable one . Trying to rely on myself for friendship but it's not the same.
How are you ?
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 It's not just you. I think it's something alot of us struggle with. I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was younger. I did have one once - just last year. We met here actually and hit it off really good - broke the rules and took it off site. But I messed it up - Idk - it's a long story - needless to say everything I said to her - every insecurity I have was used against me and it messed me up - pretty bad for awhile. There's some lingering problems with it - involving trust - and being paranoid that she's lurking in the shadows waiting for me to say something she feels I shouldn't and then she'll blast me again - tbh - I can't take another hit right right now - not like she delivered. She even claimed to be doing me a favor by giving me closure lol - Idk like I said - it's a long story
I'm having a hard time today - with thoughts and emotions tbh - Thank you for asking ❤️
How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I could see here you are guarded as am I. There's alot of evil in this world and it's difficult to navigate when you start out abused.
I have been burned many times in my life by so many here , there , work, neighbor, supposed friends , I just don't trust ppl. I've been used ,gossiped about, abused, assaulted, bullied, you name it.
I just don't know good ppl I guess. Are there any out there?
I hope my post doesn't trigger you. I am hating the cold dark season. I want warm summer days by the beach. Holidays are super hard too. Ugh. I'm around if you need a chat.
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 just wanted to pop in and say hey :) this has been a rough week for me tbh - dealing with alot of shame - do you too? How do you let it go? Sorry - Idk - anyway ❤ I hope you're doing ok
@mytwistedsoul. I'm doing ok. Been sick with a head cold, tested not the virus... Yes I feel the pain of shame. I'm sorry you do too. I just keep telling myself I know better so I do better. The shame I had as a kid will probably always be a battle. My therapist says my experiences were inflicted on me because I was a vulnerable child and not to be shamed by those experiences. Easier said than done.
As an adult some situations I was put in I didn't handle well because of my issues from childhood. I should have gotten a psychology degree I would have been educated well enough to see what my issues are and I could have avoided some really damaging events. It's sad my whole lifes been wasted on my fear, mistrust and looking for acceptance everywhere that was wrong. Ppl are horrible and can't control themselves. They see an opportunity to hurt someone and they grab it like it's chocolate. All because they want something they shouldn't have.
Your not alone in that feeling of shame. Seriously if you didn't do anything wrong but something wrong was done to you there's no shame on you ...I feel like I could have changed some events if I'd known but I was not aware of my vulnerabilities as I am now. I'm not in denial about my life anymore. Of course that doesn't make me feel any better but at least I can say it as truth .
I wish I could just rely on myself for all my emotional needs as I find ppl can't give me what I need . I can't trust ppl either. Deep inside I was a broken little girl for decades. Kinda difficult to make good decisions when your about 9 in your head.of course no one could see that as I was a perfectionist as an adult. But now I feel broken all the time.
I'm around anytime for a chat if you need one. If you're a listener you can message me direct I think. Your welcome to.
Best. ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you :) I'm so sorry. I've been horrible with checking in with you. Time gets so weird here and before I know it so much time has past 😞
How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
No worries, I am trying to get my anxiety under control with natural remedies like ashawganda. I've been researching and it is supposed to suppress all the over production of cortisol. My adrenal glands I don't think have ever shut off. I've always been on edge and hypervigilant, since a young age. It's like an automatic way to live for me.
I actually think it's helping. I just started a couple weeks ago.
How are you doing ? I cannot wait for spring!
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I've heard of that! That it helps with anxiety. I'm glad it's helping! That's awesome! Maybe I'll have to give it a try. I've been trying cbd and tbh - Idk if it's helping or not. Maybe alittle? The anxiety hasn't been a constant but the depression has gotten worse - go figure
Other than that - Idk. Tbh - half the time I wonder if anything is actually getting processed or if I'm just pushing it deeper. I feel - so horribly lost most days and Idk what to do about it
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry about the depression. I understand mines a real challenge too. The lack of sun isn't helping me , idk about you but I question why I live in a cold dark climate. . I tend to be more reclusive more than I ever have been in the past. The scary part is I like it.
My experiences with people have been so terrible that I just don't feel like it's worth putting myself out there. I review my past and I realize I'm a magnet for all the horrible narcissistic people out there. Feels like people enjoy hurting me.
Maybe my awareness has made me like my own company better than the narcissistic people? Lol.
This last couple years I've actually had time to really look at myself, who am I? How do I want to be?. I guess I'm struggling with my identity because I was never allowed to have my own, but tbh I allowed others to define me. I can see that controlling abusive childhood really instilled an incredible amount of self doubt. I have to work hard on holding other people's doubts about my decisions away from my slowly forming identity. I'm a slow learner, I might have this figured out before I leave earth. Maybe.
Ugh I missed out on so much living in my protective state of mind , although that protection state didn't keep all the a#$&@/s out of my life...
Sorry ranting.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I think about living some where warm and sunny too. I mean - it's nice here except for winter. Right now it's a winter mix falling - mostly freezing rain and it's just so gloomy out. I keep telling myself - just alittle longer and spring will be here
People can really suck. I seem to not be able to meet people's expectations. And when I can't give them what they want they leave. I don't blame you for staying away from people - especially when all the evidence you have is hurt. I got attached to someone about a year ago and it didn't work out for a bunch of reasons I guess but this person WAS my best friend for awhile and she just was - done. Her parting words - on top of my own self doubt and insecurities really messed me up and here it is - a year later and I still feel messed up from it - because her parting words keep replaying in my head and I can't help but thinking - wow - this is really what you thought of me? Yeah - I totally understand trying to hold other peoples opinions of us away but omg - it's so freaking hard!
It's like life is passing me by - and some days I want to rage against it because life has so much more to offer - I know this but yet - I tuck myself away from the world because in the end it just feels safer
*safe hugs* Rant away ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Snowing like crazy here🤦🏻♀️.
It is hard to be distant from people. We need social interactions as humans.
Maybe that friend you had was afraid to get too close because they had a rough experience in the past too. Sometimes what people do/ say is a reflection of what they really see in themselves.
I stumbled over this thought it might help me ...lol
7 Lessons to Unlearn from a Toxic Childhood and How to Do It
https://psychcentral.com/health/toxic-childhood-lessons-you-must-unlearn-in-adulthood#tips-for-unlearning
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Unfortunately - I was the one who was afraid to get close. There were some red flags and I know we both had issues and both have our own traumatic things we were working on. Maybe I'm just holding on to this to punish myself for being a failure. I guess like on that link - I feel I deserve it. I need to relearn all those lessons but it seems like I get nothing but re-enforcement instead *smh* just makes it harder to reach out to anyone
@mytwistedsoul
I understand -really tough to trust. Trust is my biggest problem. I've been treated badly so many times ...I'm so vulnerable but I do recognize my vulnerability now where as before I did not.
Really all I want is to be loved and cared for, but I have to trust to connect. It's the proverbial rock and hard place. Ugh.
Lots of shoveling here today ....
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Trust - so hard to do but so easy to lose and you need to trust to make a connection with people - boy could life be anymore complicated :/
Hopefully the snow stopped for you and its done for the year - the ice melted here. It did like pretty outside though with the ice coating everything. Hopefully this is the last of the winter weather here too
@amiableBlackberry92 Has it really been so long since we last spoke? You've been in my thoughts today. How are you?
@mytwistedsoul
Yes it's been awhile. I have been thinking about you too. Things are always up and down in life. I am doing my best to not over react and work on myself with dedication. Therapy is going well. There's a new technique that I'm using. Hoping it helps. I wondered how you are doing , hope your enjoying springtime.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 That's so true with the ups and downs. Pretty much all we can do is try our best. I'm glad to hear that therapy is going well :) I hope the new technique helps. I found some issues I wasn't aware of that I'm trying to work on. It's allways something isnt it?
I've been keeping pretty busy now that it's spring. Strawberries to pick and the garden is in and growing. I feel better when I'm busy ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Yes I agree, I too feel better when I'm busy. I love my garden. Just smelling the lilacs, and lavender is healing for me. Digging in the dirt is great too especially that dark rich dirt....
I also get lost in my painting. En plein air I think it's called in French - painting outdoors. I'm obsessed with French impressionist masters. I paint my own version of their best for practice. I'm no famous master but I dream oh I dream. Art makes me so happy. Life gets in the way alot but I immerse myself when I can.
When I get stuck I can't paint but I'm not stuck in Springtime the light is too wonderful to waste. Artistic pursuits are especially healing as it uses a different part of the brain. I think that's why alot of artists are quirky or mentally distressed ( like me)and that is why art was their go to healing practice and they were soooo good at it. Especially in previous centuries when there wasn't modern help for conditions unseen by the naked eye. No one can see my CPTSD but it's still there and it can be debilitating like a broken bone in a cast.
I'm so glad you reached out to me. I'm not sure if I know how to do that because I've been thinking about you but didn't know how to reach you here.
I really like chatting with you .
Best.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 For me it's watching things grow. How these little tiny seeds can give so much in so many different ways
The painting sounds wonderful. I've never been very good with painting. My hands shake too much sometimes. But I think it's awesome that its something that can bring you joy. I'm glad that your unstuck to be able to do something that makes you happy
I haven't worked on anything seriously in close to two years. I started something but never it went back to it. So it sits and gathers dust
You're right how its unseen and it is debilitating. It affects so much of life. There's so much to unlearn. So much we have to fit together to try and make ourselves whole. To make peace with ourselves - peace with the past. To learn to trust
I like chatting with you too :) I have a hard time doing it sometimes because I get anxious that I'm being annoying or I get convinced that people are just too nice to tell me to go away - they say other wise but my brain says that is exactly what nice people say :/ But I do like reaching out to people - checking in with them. I wish more people did that with everyone
@mytwistedsoul
Can't sleep, just tried to figure out how to chat with you but I couldn't so just going to keep chatting here.
One of my adult kids is going through a terrible struggle and it's keeping me up . I cried so hard when I found out what was going on. When life is rotten to your kids it's a special kind of pain you have to endure as a parent.( Especially when they've done nothing to cause this crisis) It's more difficult for me because I'm damaged and I don't have strong emotional resilience. I'm trying hard . I want to be there for the support piece and I am but it crushes me afterwards to see the pain in my child. I feel like hey life I've endured alot can I get a break please!!
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm sorry to hear you couldn't sleep. I hate nights like that. Hopefully you can maybe take a nap later. All though for me I end up having another night where I can't sleep. So I end up exhausted for the day
It's hard when you want to give more than you're capable of. How you have to fight for every piece of yourself to be able to give in the first place. Do they know of the abuse you had growing up? If they do - hopefully they understand how hard you're trying to be steady for them. But I can understand how that must hurt your heart. You've worked hard to protect them and then something happens and you must feel totally helpless. I hope everything works out
Members don't have the chat abilities - which is kind of stupid but I guess they're afraid we wouldn't need the listeners then
@mytwistedsoul
I've been painting this morning because it soothes my soul. I told my kids I had a rough childhood but not anything really specific. I don't want them to think terrible things about the grandparents. They had a limited exposure to them but I didn't want to jade them. Their relationship was different for them and it wasn't a big relationship nor was it unsupervised. As adults they grew away from it. I protected them. I think my kids see us parents a certain way and they can't comprehend that you are a victim of trauma. They need parents to be strong ....that unshakable go to person when they need support. Other than that view it makes them uncomfortable..makes sense?
My denial blocked alot of my trauma for decades. Things happened that made me see/ be aware finally. I understand my screwed up life alot better now ...lol.
I hope you are having a good day.
Ugh interuption sorry
ABB 💜
I can understand protecting your kids from that kind of knowledge. Not wanting to taint how they view their grandparents or make them afraid of them. Because like you said their relationship was different. I've often wondered what I would do. I have allmost no contact with my family so I've wondered how I would explain the why's of that. How do you explain the cruelty that some people inflict on others? Especially if it's your own parents. I mean - I have a hard time comprehending it myself
It does make alot of sense that kids need to see parents as that go to strong person that can handle anything. Its what we needed as kids too
Ugh - denial sucks. I think I knew things weren't right but so much was blocked from memory and locked away inside. It wasn't until I started therapy - for what I thought was an unrelated issue that I'm finally realizing just how bad it was. Made me kind of wish I would have never started sometimes
I hope this is a nice morning for you and you have time to paint :)
@amiableBlackberry92
ABB, why don't you and your friend click on the become listener link. It's a short, simple, and useful training and then you can request private chats with each other.
BTW, i believe i chatted with you before. I just changed my name. Feel free to request a chat with me if you need suport anytime.
@Jack2nd
Thank you for the tip, it's appreciated.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Popping in to see how you are and drop off a hug ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Nice to hear from you, hugs are always accepted. I'm doing well as it's summer one of my favorite seasons. I'm trying very hard to connect with 2 friends and I'm enjoying some summer visits with them ....I'm trying to put myself out there and connect. It's really all I ever wanted was a real solid human connection. Going slowly though.
I hope your enjoying the summer and finding some peace. I've been thinking about you too . I hope my post finds you well ☺️.
@amiableBlackberry92 Summer is a great season. All the warmth and sunshine. The longer days are wonderful too
It's really great to hear you're making some connections with friends! Slow is ok :) probably frustrating at times I'm sure but hopefully it gets easier
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you :) How are you? How are things with your husband's health? I'm sorry I haven't checked in sooner. I hope you're doing ok ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thx for posting for me. I'm struggling in a lot of levels. My hub has more than one problem going on and he's trying to decide which to tackle first and which choice of treatment/ surgery....
I've lost weight because my anxiety is way up.
Not doing well for sure and dreading winter ... Oh boy idk if I can do this.
How are you my friend.?
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm sorry you're struggling with so much right now. I wish I could do something to make things better for you. Do his doctors have an idea on which route would be better?
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey 😊 How are you holding up? You popped into my thoughts the other day so I wanted to check in with you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for checking in on me. I have my struggles as you know. On top of that my partner's situation has become quite complicated. We keep bumping into other problems that make it difficult for the doctors to treat his cancer. This is been going on all year. We have an appointment this week to see if we can make some progress on the treatment. My PTSD is making it more difficult for me to handle the situation some days I'm better than others. Really really struggling with the fact that winter is on its way here and I don't know how I'm going to do this. I hope you are doing well and enjoying the season we are in. I appreciate your support you're always here for me and I do thank you for that.
ABB 💜🤗
@amiableBlackberry92 Omgosh! I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds scary and stressful. That might be why the ptsd is causing problems. And that you've both been fighting this for so long. How did the appointment go? I hope they can find something - some solution to be able to treat the cancer
@mytwistedsoul
There's a couple options for treatment but they both s#ck. He's got other things that need surgery that are not related to the cancer but we need to go to a bigger hospital for that problem. Once the cancer is treated they can never do any needed surgery in that area again. The treatment is as bad as the cancer. Ugh.
A light box is a great idea btw I have one and use it in winter all the time. I think it helps somewhat.
I hope you are enjoying the fall weather
Thx for reaching out it's so appreciated 👍
ABB 💜🤗
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm so sorry I let so much time pass. The treatments are as bad as the cancer. I'm sorry he's been hit with so many bad things all at once. I hope everything goes well. Not just for his sake but yours as well. How are you holding up? It's hard on everyone involved - not just the patient
@mytwistedsoul
No worries twisted, I have been incredibly busy. This medical situation has been really tough but one good thing about it is that I have some urgency to get out and see my friends more than before. I have 2 good buddies and we have been having some great easy times together. I have been in a huge struggle with all of it but its nice to have a couple of supporters.
I agree with you the season change is tough and its getting cold. I know this winter will be an extra hard struggle due to all thats going on. I just hope its not the worst winter ever. Ugh flurries already nooooo... lol
I appreciate you checking on me and I feel your support and others here. Its my go to place when I am struggling for sure.
I hope this finds you well my friend.
ABB