Trauma Is My Life
I have several trauma's that I have not healed from or I'm not out of yet. I had a severely abusive ex, I've been SA'D twice and I have a severely abusive family. I don't get much sleep if at all and in struggling severely with keeping myself alive each day, I take care of the animals in the household and my mom who's ill (mind you she's still severely abusive.) I take care of the house in general and don't have time to myself. I'm homeschooled and I never leave the house due to not having time, if I'm lucky I can take maybe one shower a week. I don't have time to take care of myself, I gained a lot of weight and I just don't have time to get rid of it. I'm exhausted every day and I've completely given up on getting help, I get labeled a liar or an attention w*ore by my family. I don't trust therapists or any doctor, I don't really trust people either. I feel helpless, I don't even think I'm going to get into college because I barley have time to do school now. My grades are pretty good this year but I'm SEVERELY late. I just want to give up, my trauma repeats in my head every second of everyday and at this point I feel I'm turning into the abuser I had/have. I've turned mean and I catch myself being manipulative towards others. And I hate that more then anybody could ever know, I hate that I'm doing that stuff just so I don't get hurt. It's disgusting.
I just want you to know that I have autism, my mother could never accept it, and she absolutely made me pay for it, she was one of those that would distort your vision of reality so you would feel like she was your only option, but I ran, I ran away at 15, she said I wouldnt last the week, now I'm 21 with a family and a good job, I made it, even though when she said I'd be back I honestly believed her, all I can say is you never know till you try, when it's all said and done you are what's left. Sometimes all it takes is proving to yourself that they were wrong and you will be ok.
