Trying so hard

Hello everyone. I'm new here. Almost a year ago I was at work, a very quiet place, friendly people, and regulars you see everyday. My world got turned upside down on July 2nd when I heard gun shots, I look out the window and not 10 feet in front of me I see a man with a huge assault rifle shooting. I didn't know what to do, so many thoughts went through my head in a matter of seconds. He shot and killed two people. I didn't know if I was next. I think that's the worst part is the fear. I'm the type of girl who holds everything in and that's exactly what I did. I'm married with two kids, I pushed everyone away. I shut myself down and let it fester for months. I fell into a dark hole and let my mind do what it had to do.I started going out with friends, drinking, anything so I didn't have to think about it. I hated silence. It was torture. Loud noises scare me, people scare me. I made a few mistakes in those months and I'll regret them for the rest of my life. During those months I wanted to die. I couldn't deal with the constant fear, the mind games, the darkness. I've always been so happy, laughing, making others feel better about themselves and I had nobody. Nobody knew what to do around me. Weirdly enough, three months ago I "woke up". That day scared me. I look around the room and my daughter and son had grown so much, everything was clearer, its like I was in a coma for who knows how long, but how did I function daily? I'm trying. Its all I can do.