When Narcissism Comes Home

Greetings Forum,

While listening to a most excellent member who had the kindness to ask me about my experience with narcissism, I came to realize that I actually have a pretty powerful story to share.

In an effort to encourage others to see past the bull and escape the grips of blind love before it's too late, I am willing to open up about it now and be receptive to feedback. For the longest time I held a great deal of shame and anger surrounding what happened to me and, as we all know, silence is the sanctuary of abuse. So, in order to spare just one more soul, I am going public. My hope is that more insight and support will unravel in the comments as this experience was no doubt traumatizing and has gone on to impact my current relationships.

To be honest, I haven't done too, too much processing because it makes me sick that this even happened to me, but here's the short version:

(Trigger Warning Disclaimer)

My best friend of 15 years was someone I met online. Someone I chatted with via instance messenger, skype, texts, calls, handwritten letters, etc. from the age of 15 to 30. We had been through many relationships, separations, parental abuse, and our kids being born. Over the years we grew older and came across the means to finally meet in person, so in 2017 I flew to his home state.

Meeting him in person was surreal and exciting, something I had long looked forward to. However, looking back now, I can see the manipulation web beginning to spin. While I was in town, he would do things like leave his current girlfriend and get a hotel room with me, be disrespectful over the phone, and dodge calls from CPS. I told him that that was not necessary. I also told him that I was a polyamarous lesbian, but he did not listen.

As time passed, his girlfriend tried to warn me about his behavior, but I failed to acknowledge any of it. I later learned that she tried to get in touch with me in various ways, but he blocked every attempt. Having accepted unflinching loyalty in his favor it was simply impossible for me to fathom that he was anything less than the person I had come to know and love, much less abusive, despite me hearing otherwise from several sources over the years.

When it came time for me to leave, he began crying and I fell for it. This was the first of many times that within my bulging heart the lines began to blur. He kissed me and I became even more confused. After returning to my home state, he would segway conversations into requests to move in with me. I would say no, that I was a single mother, that he had a family of his own, that the timing was off. Truth be told, I was enjoying my independence for the first time in my young life. Persistent though he was, he eventually managed to convince me to move in as roommates.

During that time, he completely brainwashed and manipulated me. His affection for me clearly became romantic and he began capitalizing on me financially. He did not work or contribute for months and would drive my vehicle, eat my food, and live in my house. When I came to him sobbing with exhaustion and asking for help, he would display fake panic attacks. When I scheduled mental health counseling sessions, he would later say that he could not be helped. When I attempted family meetings to promote goal setting, he would cry and refuse to participate. When I scheduled job interviews, he would force himself to vomit, tremble, cry, and collapse. When I asked him about his son, he would lie about the limitations his girlfriend placed on him and so explain away his level of involvement. When I spoke to her myself, so much more came to light, up to and including the fact that he was an abandoning and abusive human being.

This went on for about two years before I had finally had enough. During that time, I met my now wife, and she pulled the wool from my eyes. She helped me protect myself and come up with an exit strategy before it could escalate. By the time I realized what was going on I was so angry and hurt that I asked him to move out by a set date. Fortunately, he booked a flight and left earlier than I originally requested. He cried at the airport, but by then I felt nothing, especially knowing how his behavior negatively impacted my son. So, in a few choice words I told him to get his things and get out of my car.

I have since learned this to be an exploitative relationship between a narcissist and an empath.

I have not seen or spoken to him since.

Additional Reading: How Many Types of Narcissism are There and How Can You Identify Them?