Alcohol and sexual consent

@WilleZurMacht

I am no expert in this area but I realised you had received no replies. Sexual consent while under the influence of alcohol is a big grey area and I think there have been cases where charges have been sought even though both parties are intoxicated.

As this is in an international site i would suggest you look at the laws in your area as they differ so much.

Lemme throw in my 2 cents worth here. If a person doesn't have the capacity to say "no", they don't have the capacity to say "yes". Rycochet is right about looking at local laws for guidance, but I'm just talking about basic decency in the treatment of others.

If two people agree before they get drunk that they're going to wind up in bed, that's OK, but if there's no clear expectation of sex stated before the booze starts flowing, then there's no consent.

Theoretically, men and women should be held to the same standards, but biological differences usually make the man the aggressor.

If both parties are so drunk they don't know what they are doing, they are both to blame, but IMHO that's a poor excuse.

Unless you are passed out don't you still have the capacity to give consent when you are drunk? I think this depends on your definition on consent. In case of intoxication I think I would call it a non-intelligent consent. I'd probably call it wrong but not rape since there is consent.

If both parties are so drunk they don't know what they are doing, are they both taking advantage of a person or both being taken advantage of? Or both maybe?

It's weird because you can want to have sex with someone before getting drunk. You can actually say to someone or just in your mind that you're going to have sex with that person tonight, and then the night goes on and you do.

I get that people say you can't really "consent" to it, but I think it depends. If one person is drunk and the other person is really sober I think that's rape. Because in that scenario the drunk person is just...well....horny, and I think it doesn't matter who they have sex with, it's just to have sex. But I think it also comes from who is asking for sex, or leading. If it's the sober person advancing on the drunk person I think that's rape. If it's the drunk person going up to the sober person, I think that's not. But it's not consent, either.

Do men get raped while drunk? Idk. Some men won't think so because they're taught to enjoy it, even if they aren't awake. And I also think that if someone specifically tries to get you drunk (by means of buying you drinks), I think that's rape. Because in that case they're trying to get you drunk so that you can have sex with them. It's pre-meditated.

Do some women like alcohol? Yes. Do some men like sex? Yes.

Does alcohol and sex equal rape? It depends.

@WilleZurMacht

If someone gave you consent before drinking and they show no change of mind once drug it should be a go. But let's say you didn't get a firm thing of consent and the person is basically too drunk to form coherant thoughts sex should not be pressured because that is taking advantage of someone. When people are both drunk this is more of a thin line... It really depends on situation. It's always a good idea to have people around you who aren't getting drunk and can have a clear perspective. Some people don't even remember sexual intercourse because they blacked out. AND IF SOMEONE IS UNCONCIOUS IT IS RAPE.

Also even if someone gives consent but is under the legal age it is still statutory rape

Double whammy if they were under the influence.

Remember: only yes means yes.

No answer= NO (Some people lack confidence to stand up for themselves. Not everyone can be assertive but that does not give anyone the right to take advantage of their lack of advocacy)

Unclear Answer (maybe) = NO until further notice.

They say yes but change their mind last second (Even if you are both buttnaked and ready) = NO

100 yes + 1 no= NO

Do not pressure someone into having sex. If they did not give solid firm consent and finally gave in because of blackmailing, harrasment, impairment, pressure, guilt or force, it is sexual harrasment at the least and you can be viewed as rape.

The easiest thing is to try to stay away from situations in which you may have sex with someone you aren't sure or haven't gotten consent for. You can say you were just drunk but unless if it was your first time drinking you should know your limits and what you are or aren't capable of doing. If you know it's hard for you not to be pushy on others when you are drunk maybe you shouldn't be around possible canidates. So using the excuse "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing". Regardless you are responsible for your own actions. You can't get away with things because of alcohol because you are the one who chose to take responsibility of the chances you have of doing something irrational.

I was in a 8 months relationship with a much younger man. I never wanted him to waste his youth on me and I was fine with a time constrained relationship. Our relationship really developed into a strong friendship and it didnt really follow the script young man+ older woman: lot of bang of bang. On the contrary, I have a very high sex drive and he never had it. We would have sex of course, but we shared much more and I fell for his caring nature and constant attention.

I am aware that I underestimated a few red flags. This young man who talked like a characters from an old book had severe mood swings. I had witnessed that a couple of times while we were together. His eyes would change suddenly, often after a very good day and he felt an instant urge to go away and be isolated from the world for 2-3 days. He had told me this had been happening for many years and got worst in the past couple of years.

The night he left me, he had introduced all his friends to me and we had a very good night out. Outside my door, I had noticed the change in his eyes and he told me he was a danger to me and it was over. His gaze was scary. He looked like it wasnt him talking. He then cried and his tears were running down my neck. In the following days, texts followed and he talked about feeling empty and estranged to his own body. He also said that he believed he was too dangerous and needed to be kept at distance (everything by text). He had told me he had had anger management problems in his teen years, but martial arts helped and that it wasnt a problem anymore. In fact, even though we didnt argue many times, I also fell for the way we argued. He was so fair and we could really talk stuff through.

I did everything I could to make him engage with a counselling service, I even saved money for that, but I ended up being called a stalker and incapable to move on. He really gave me a silent treatment and became very hurtful with his words.

After 6 months he decided to join his brother abroad. I went looking for him a few days before departure. He was out with his friends and we went to talk outside. He apologised to me and said how difficult it was for him to have conversations with people. He said he was an introvert. He then kissed me. I asked him to go inside so that I would get him a goodbye drink. I was happy about our conversation. I had my chance to say that it was ok for me to end the relationship, but the way it ended had left me with a lot of pain. But he kept kissing and kissing and we ended up at my place. We had a wild night, we never had sex like that before. I had to tell him I needed to sleep. We also talked a lot about everything that happened between us, we hugged a lot and cried. We talked about how great this experience would be for him and as I had visited the city he was moving to months earlier. We looked at my pics and talked about my travel, places his brother worked for. He said he went into a pub and looked for a picture of us that was taken months before the break up. All this to say, that he was a bit drunk when we met, but everything he said made very much sense to me. He was going to live his new life and we had a nice closure. I was happy. We agreed to see each other the following evening (he left my place at 11-12 in the morning after 12 hours together). He hadnt/t been drinking for 12 hours and said he had no regrets about our night (I asked him after he wanted to have sex again on the couch......to which I said no as I knew He had family commitments and we had agreed to meet again in the evening).When I rang the following evening, 5-6 different people answered the phone. I later found out that he was playing pool and drinking with his bro and let strangers make fun of me. We didnt meet and he left. The disgust and humiliation that I felt made me miss my period. After several messages, he texted after 20 days. The most awful text of my entire life. He accused me of dragging him to my place when he couldnt make a conscious decision. He told me I had taken advantage of him, that I have mental health issues, and covered me with insults that I never received before.

This experience has left me broken. If I think about sex I go into panic and I always enjoyed it. I am a rapist according to him. Am I?