Always seen myself as a survivor but at the moment i'm far from it. Trigger Warning..
Hi, i'm new in this forum..I was sexually abused and raped by two men when i was a little girl. Two men who were family members, two men who were meant to prtoect me from monsters. Two men who took the opportunity of my mum never being around to abuse me and use me for their own satisfaction. I know a child can not be blamed, and i know it was rape but these last few months i've really been struggling. I believe it happened to me because i'm a bad person, it happened for a reason and was meant to do this to my life. I've always felt i would not be here past 32 years old. I'm 27 now. I'm not sure why that age in particular but i always refused uni/college or any kind of career which meant 'a future'. I've purposely stayed single for the last two years because i don't want to give someone the pretense of a future, marriage when i wouldn't be around to forfill those precious promises. I don't want kids, it hurts too much to think that someone like me, that this body could even reproduce, it's tainted with what happened and at the moment i really, really hate myself. I've self harmed since i was 16/17. In the last year i've self harmed so much that both legs are covered in old and new scars. I've got my therapist, my younger brother and best friend for support. They have no idea how much they have helped me get through life at the moment. My family knows, my mother is rubbish for support. She's trying and so am i. It's such a hard journey.
@susie17790 Hi Suzie,
I relate with how you're feeling. From as long as I can remember I have assumed my death would be suicide. I didn't pick an age but rather an event that would trigger it. Basically waiting for a specific person that I don't want to see what I've done to pass first. I remember being 7 years old and thinking these thoughts, that I KNEW that was how and when I would die. I grew further from that person and now I don't care how my death would affect them but somehow I'm still here.
I focused on my healing journey. I sought therapy and took my fate into my hands. I found purpose and things I enjoy and things to work towards. Some days I still feel lost... but then I remember that... the trauma happened. I accept the fact. But nothing is hurting me now. I am safe and surround myself with people who truly care about me. So life is what I make of it. Don't be afraid to let yourself make plans and work towards things. After everything you've been through, you deserve to make a life you can enjoy living, and you CAN do this.
We are here for you 
@susie17790 I'm so sorry this happened to you. Tell yourself every day you didn't cause it until you believe it; you did nothing wrong. It's ok that your support network is small; I went through trying to get support from probably dozens of people before I found someone who told me that what happened to me wasn't okay, and validated my experience. I try to stay away from situations where I might tell my story and get dismissed or invalidated, as that is super triggering. So stick to the people you know will support you, and keep fighting. It will get better. You didn't deserve what happened to you, but you do deserve to feel better.