Ashamed. ***Trigger Warning**** Please take care of you!!!

"The enemy doesn't stand a chance, when the victim decides to survive." Eight years old, that's how old I was when I first got molested. Yes I know it's such a terrible word, but yes I was molested right outside my house, eight years of age when a man first decided to steal my innocence by shoving his hands up my skirt and into my body. Eight years old, when he penetrated me for the first time, kissed me, made me feel uncomfortable and all right outside my home. When I was 11 years old, I fell in love, I know you must wonder how an 11 year old can be in love, but I was. It was the purest, most innocent love, when whe kissed (light peck on the lips) my world changed. And when it was over, my world collapsed.

I was between 11-14 years of age when I was used as an object of sexual gratification to a man almost 20 years my senior. A man with a wife, who lived 2 minutes away, and a daughter whom I had played with, who ate breakfast at my dinning table. While we played with little toys, her father played with me, as his little toy... Over three years, two abusers, and countless accounts of penetration both digitall and orally, I lost myself. With each incident a piece of my soul was taken away from me, never to be returned again. A part of my body used for purposes no child should ever undergo. 13 years old and I felt a shame I cannot even explain.

Have you ever had that dream where your suddenly falling off a mountain and you can't stop? I haven't. That dream has been the story of my life. I was 8 years old when it began, and 13/14 years when it ended, however even today over 10 years later I am not "Over it." 3 Abusers, 6 years of abuse (not continously), 5 years of silence, 7 therapists later, I'm still standing. When you look at me, you can't imagine what I've bee through. When you look at me, you don't know my story, you don't know me. But I am your sister, your friend, your mother, your cousin, I am male or female, but above all I am a survivor of sexual abue. And the worst part is, it doesn't end with the abuse. Being sexually abused is on the tip of our iceberg. Today, 10 years after, I am here to talk about those things no one wants to say.I was sexually abused by three men, they molested, abused and finally raped me. In MY house, where I lived, now I have no family and no home.

I was 16 years old when I ended up with a stranger for the first time. What were we doing? We were sneaking around, now to you this might seem totally normal for a 16 year old, it is. However as a sexual abuse survivor, most people might not know as a victim we end up in one of the two extremes. Some sexually abused children become very sexually promiscuous, hypersexual, or in extreme cases can even become child abusers or prostitutes, or have other serious sexual problems when they reach adulthood. Some adults will struggle with not making a connection between intimacy and sex. At 16 years old, I was just trying to be normal like everyone else. But the funny thing is, no matter how hard i tired i could never be intimate. It's only when you finally start trying to get out there nad being the sexual being you are designed to be, do you realize just how sexually broken you have become.

At 16 years old, I realized just how sexually broken I was. My abuser had penetrated my body at 8 years old, leaving me helpless. As i lay undressed along side another boy, my age, I felt an anger I had never before known. Sexual abuse, its about power, but sex, its about intimacy. I was no longer a victim, and not exactly a survivor. I was confused, wouldn't you be? At sixteen all I wanted was to kiss this boy, like all the other girls were doing, but I couldn't. Because at 8 years old, when I was molested a man kissed me and stole my right to an awesome first kiss. He made it disgusting and gross and perverse. Lying next to his naked body, watching his chest rise up and down, his hair, his legs, his muscular thighs, all I could wonder was why I couldn't be like those others, why couldn't I be. At 16 years old I had realized that someone had stolen my innocence, my virginity and my right to be a sexual being.

For years I lay in bed each night, crying myself to sleep. Why couldn't I be like my friends? Why had god made me go through thiese life altering moments? Why had the universe forced me to experience evils, I cannot even explain. When you're sexually abused, every waking minute of every waking day you try to stay in control. Because if you're not in control, you're susceptible, not to disease but to getting hurt. Because that time you trusted another human being so deeply, they stole your body, they defiled you and left you helpless and alone. In a quest to be in power, feel some control, I went from 2 years of "I will never have sex" to hyper sexuality, the other extreme.

I remmeber that day, barely two years ago, I met him online, on a dating site. We decided the next evening to meet for coffee. A few nights later I snuck out to be with him. Our night began in the bedroom, kissing, holding hands, gently stroking each others dressed bodies. Suddenly everything changed, we were passionate, we were going at it like two wild dogs, we were suddenly undressed. Me on the bed, him on top of me, it was passionate it was sexy, and then IT happened. Healthy adults, teenagers, anyone in a loving relationship would enjoy a man/woman engaging in oral stimulations. They would feel extreme pleasure and show intense love. However, I am not a healthy adult. I was not a healthy adult in that moment when I had my first trigger. One moment I was immensely into it, the next minute I was experiencing my first trigger. (Talk about a buzz kill)

For those of you who are not sexual abuse survivors, "childhood sexual abuse survivors often have things that trigger memories of the abuse. These triggers can include things like gynecological exams, childbirth, sexual touch from partners, certain smells, some colors, types of furniture or cars, can bring back memories that hold feelings about the abuse. These triggers can be very vivid and painful for a sexual assault survivor."

Being an adult survivor of sexual abuse is not easy, whether the abuse was recent or in childhood, a survivor of abuse struggles immensly with issues that are often mundane and natural to another. To close that story, that poor boy was kicked out of bed, no explanations, grabbed his clothes and pushed out the door, as for me, I was on the floor crying for hours. =( As a sexual abuse survivor sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. I wished everyday of my lfie that this was NOT my life. All I ever wanted as a child was to be an adult, ut now all i want is to be "Normal."

What does it feel like to be abused? I wish I could explain but I can't. Over the years I have struggled with things I only wish I didn't. The memories, they come up whenever they want to, and its funny how the world can say just make it stop, or you're letting it happen, but to anyone who has not been sexually abused, please keep your opinions to yourself. We survivors of sexual abuse, can go from totally happy to totally destroyed in a matter of seconds. Someone entered my body and screwed me day after day for years, he took away my virginity, my right to safety and now you're telling me to "Make it stop?" Well who the f**k will make them stop?

As victims of abuse, we are not always out right threatenend, however we are told this is our secret, our shame, our fault, we are shamed for what we may have worn, I was 8?! What was I wearing to make him wanna pin me down, unzip me and begin to penentrate me? I often have heard people say but why didn't you tell someone? And this is another thing I'd like to address, why don't you shut the hellup? Victims of abuse don't need to feel any more guilt, cause trust ME we're carrying enough around for a life time. Abusers they get away with making us feel shame feel dirity, feel disgusting, worthless pieces of garbage And we believe it because we have nothing else to believe.

About 5 months ago, I logged onto a popular app for meeting guys. Again I'm 20+ and wanted to be like the women and men of my day and age. I met a young man only a few years older and we ended up chatting for a day or two. The following week we went out for dinner. An hour later we ended up in my car, his hands undressing me as I drove around looking for a dark spot for us. =/ Cause god forbid I bring a hook up home. What would the watchman think? What would the niehgbours think? That night he went down on me in the front seat of my car, while I was in the drivers seat. Any woman would be thrilled to have this happenign to them am I right? Well I was, then I wasn't. Some people struggle with sounds, smells as triggers, well, some others struggle with the most intimate triggers, for me, the first trigger was him going down on me, the second was being unable to achieve any level of pleasure without feeling absolutely slutty, ashamed and guilty. =(

I know you don't know me, but I feel totally exposed right now. I have let you into my body, into my mind and into my soul. But I didn't do this for you, I did it for me. As a young woman, and a survivor of long term sexual abuse, I want to educate you. I want you to know the struggles that come with being a survivor. As a result, of prolonged sexual abuse we may struggle in relationships. We may put the needs of our partner well before our own. During sexual acts as an adult, body memories may flood the body, interfering with the ability to have normal sexual relationships, may make the survivor scared, ashamed, and frustrated.

I am a 20+ year old woman, and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have been molested, abused and raped in my own home by men I knew. I cannot have sexual relationships to date, am unable to hook up. I am unable to visit a gynaecologist because I don't want to be vulnerable againI have continuously attempted to self explore in an effort to regain comfort with my body, however each body is different and it takes time to recover. And like many victims of sexual abuse, I find it difficult to orgasm or ‘let go even when they are in a safe, healthy relationship, my body and mind have been in long term disconnection.

According to the internet Shame is defined as, "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour." Any and all survivors of any kind of abusive situation can you they feel ashamed. But why do we feel ashamed? We didn't do anything wrong, so why do we have to bring shame to the table? When you're sexually abused, its like someone has entered you most literally and stolen everything you know. They have not just penetrated your physical body, but have penetrated through your mind, leaving behind the most atrocious scars. Ask them, and a majority of victims will tell you it was not a STRANGER but someone they knew who abused them. Like many victims, I too was raped in my bed, in my house where I slept, where my family slept, where a family stayed. But now, that is not a home, it is four walls where I am a victim to the endless memories.

When you looked at me you couldn't see the scars, there were no cuts or brusies. No indications of any kind of abuse. Sometimes the worst kind of abuser, is not the violent, obnxious, physically obvious one, it is the silent, known adult lurking in the shadows. Where other's have monsters under their beds, this unseen, unheard monster is one who everyone knows, but no one see's. My abuser had 24X7 access to our home. To the home where I lived, he took a house, and turned into a brothel, making me his personal hooker. Yes I was 11 years old and I was a sex toy. I was 14 years old and I was a sex toy, because an abuser, they don't care about your age, unlike what society says, its NOT about what you wear, not who you go out with or when, its about what they want.

We may look whole, but on the inside we're broken. We seem depressed, but somewhere we are hopeful. Someone took away my right to sex, to intimacy, pleasure and to myself. There was no one to tell and no where to hide. I kept the pain within myself while a part of me died. I should be over it, but I'm not, it haunts me everyday. Just the act of sharing a painful secret, can relieve some of the pain.

"There is only one sin. and that is theft. When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. And when you rape another, abuse a child, you steal thier rights to love, intimacy and everything that is pure and natural.

I am not what happened to me, and I will NOT let you take away how I feel, you were NOT there and until you have been sexually assaulted please don't try to begin to understand me. I am not a victim of sexual abuse, I am a survivor, and I will keep fighitng. Just because the war is over, doesn't mean the scars have healed.

"Shame should be reserved for the things we choose to do, Not the circumstances that life puts on us. Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself."