Childhood trauma manifesting as depression and anger
As a young girl, my dad would guilt me into sleeping in the same bed as him, even as I got older (too old to be sleeping with your parent). He would sleep in his underwear and hold me really close while he slept. I remember he would interlock his legs with mine so that I was held very close and tight to him. This is eating my alive now that I’m older. I hate the guy but feel like I have to love him and maintain contact because he’s my dad. He’s extremely manipulative. As a kid, I would tell him that I was uncomfortable holding his hand in public and I didn’t like it when he would hug me or put his arms around me (I still can’t get through a hug with him without wanted to hit him). When I told him this, he reacted in a way that made me feel extremely guilty. He would say things like “fine, I’ll never touch you or lay eyes on you again” or he would accidentally touch me and say “oh, I’m sorry, I know that makes you uncomfortable”. I felt and still feel mocked and misunderstood and this is causing me to feel uncomfortable with any type of physical touch...not just from my dad, but from other family members as well. Even just sitting on the couch with my sister and her husband makes me want to run far away, somewhere alone and away from all people. I feel so angry and sad and nervous all at the same time! I’m usually really good when it comes to talking about my feelings but I feel that this is something that is so deeply rooted and so personal, I get uncomfortable and angry just thinking about it.
@lavenderotter096
Sadly, there are very emotionally troubled people, some even with sexual perversion issues, that have children, and then their children suffer from that.
it's so unjust, because it's random where you will be born, who your parents will be. They could be very good or very bad people.
After all that abuse and hurting manipulation by your father, for years, since an early age, it is sadly inevitable that you have such issues with physical contact.
Your sadness and anger about it is totally justified.
I suggest that you find a good therapist through trusted recommendations, like your doctor, friends, and post-graduate psychology institutions in your area, and do Therapy.
Therapy would do you a lot of good to sort this out, that seems to me like the tip of the iceberg of a big emotional issue that originated during your childhood from the relation with your father.
And keep posting any feeling or thought you want to share, as it comes to your mind, as this is also healing if continued through time.
I wish you all the best !
Marcelo
just to reassure you i know it’s late but i’m just coming to terms with this, i’ve been through the same thing except with my mum, feels really really wrong and it makes me feel like i want to get away from everyone a lot of the time