Confused(Trigger Warning)
Hi. I'm Vara. I've dealt with sexual experiences that weren't so good in my past and I'll give you a back story on me:
Ever since I was little, I wanted a relationship particularly with a boy or man. I didn't know how relationships or friendships formed. I didn't know what consent was. I just knew I wanted a relationship.
I was sexually touched by my peers when I was 7. I wasn't sure what to say or do but I didn't feel comfortable because I felt like they were treating me like a piece of meat, whore or sex worker. All I know in the times I was being touched is that I didn't say no. I just let it pass till it didn't happen anymore. Same thing with my recent sexual experience where my moms husband repeatedly touched and licked me.
I don't know what stops me from saying no or go away. I guess I assumed they wouldn't stop if I asked them to, thought it was right for them to that if I wanted a relationship or a guy to notice me and etc.
Please help me with this, I really don't know what to do or think.
@VaraMoon
Hi Vara, thank you for posting this, I know it couldn't have been easy to write all that out. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of fear and confusion around sexual acts. I know you say that you want a relationship, could you tell me what that looks like for you? What does an ideal relationship look like to you?
It sounds to me that you want to feel loved, you want someone you can trust and who trusts you, and that you want someone who helps you feel safe.
It is very healthy and normal to want these things, however, sometimes our desire for these things can be so strong that it puts us in danger of people taking advantage of us because we want to trust. It also puts us in the position of wanting to satisfy potential partners, making us think that we must say yes to anything.
You are allowed to say no when someone wants to do a sexual act with you and you don't want to. You're allowed to leave a situation where you feel unsafe. You are allowed to feel that you deserve better than you have been treated. You are not alone in this, if you want to talk more about your feelings surrounding this, feel free to post more here or reach out to chat.
@Hoxenos
Hi Hoxenos! Thanks for responding!
My ideal relationship is holding hands, kissing,
sharing our secrets, doing wonderful nice things for each other,seeing each other as important, being in a wonderful unbreakable friendship with little to no negativity betweeen us.
@Hoxenos
I never made a male friend before. Ever since I looked at movies or tv shows or people with partners, I always wanted that but I never knew how to go about it. I think men and women are from different planets. I don't understand men very well. I like them but I don't know how to be friends with them and know the warning signs.
@VaraMoon
Hi Vara, being friends with men is no different from being friends with women. Being in a relationship is really at it's best when you're with someone you consider to be your best friend, and getting to this point is normally easier if you begin as friends. There are many ways to meet people to become friends, my prefered method is by trying out new hobbies that interest you. Things like videogames, sports, classes, and other social activities are great ways to meet new people. There are also dating apps if you live a busy life, and can be good for if you're trying to see what's out there and create distance because you can always control the situation.
At the end of the day, it is important to love yourself and respect yourself. Do you find that you're afraid of boys at all because of your experiences? Or is your comment about boys and girls being very different more about you just not feeling familiar with boys and therefore worry that they are very different from you. I assure you boys aren't too different from girls, but they are more blunt and straight forward in some ways. To summarize the difference between genders, there is actually a bigger difference between a woman on one extreme of a spectrum and the woman on the other extreme, same as extreme men versus each other, than there is between the average woman and the average man. There is less difference between the genders than we think.
@Hoxenos
I see.
I think it's just the fact that I get anxious and paranoid a little about being in a sexual abusive situation. I know men are probably naturally strong than women. I know they can be more straightforward and blunt as I'm that way too.
I have never met a decent guy before in real life. Especially one that never made fun of me, called me ugly or said mean and awful things to me.
Usually they are young guys like little kids or young adult male. I don't necessarily like talking to 20 year old guys my age because I know they are gonna act either weird or mean and probably hurt or sexually grab me. I'm much more comfortable with older men.
@Hoxenos
and the problem is I prefer to meet up with someone my age but I think I have to wait till I'm 30 or 40 to make friends with guys. The young adult guys I come across are usually into activities rather than getting to know people and stuff like playing video games, drinking, smoking, and etc.
@VaraMoon
It is true that men mature later than women, and so it may take a few years for your peers to catch up with you emotionally. Young men are looking more for a good time and not looking for commitment. That is not to say all guys are like that, but I understand the struggle to find someone. Unfortunately, at all ages, the dating scene will feel very slow. One day you really just get lucky. I got lucky at 29, so don't give up hope, you will find someone. It always seems to happen when you stop looking and are content alone, ironically. Because good men like women who love themselves, and the not so good men hunt for women who don't love themselves as much because they can be easier to manipulate.
I think it's good that you're thinking about what you like and what you don't like, that's the first step with this kind of thing. What do you want in a relationship, what do you want in a man, and dont settle.
I also think it's great that you're considering the effect of your past experiences on your current emotional state towards men. I think it makes a lot of sense that you would instinctively not trust them, considering you've been taught that men take advantage and are selfish and potentially hurt you. Learning to trust can be slow progress, and will only be unlocked by someone who truly deserves it. I believe you will find this person :)
@Hoxenos
Oh I see now. Interesting. Good for you. Yeah. If I'm meant to find a real life guy then that's great if not then that's okay. I like fictional characters and I have one character in mind even though I've always liked characters before I thought about real life guys.I may not be very comfortable with him but he makes me happy in a way and I like being around him and seeing his material.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna be chill with guys.
I just have a lot of fear about being rape and having an unwanted baby with them then living with the pain and trauma of having it because I wasn't strong enough to get the guy off of me.
I never been raped before. Just catcalled and harassed a lot. I'm also afraid of being badly beaten up by men.
@Hoxenos
I'm not sure if I enjoyed be alone very much all the time.
i know I have some self esteem issues and just constantly thinking about negative things makes me feel very alone. I think if there was a way to stop it for me then I wouldn't feel bad. Sometimes I need a distraction but they hardly work and aren't strong enough. I wasn't always like this. I actually had a very good life growing till I was in my preteen years and teenage years till now.
@Hoxenos
I do notice I don't like being alone in my own home even though I don't get out much but I do like shopping and experiencing fun things alone.
